Last post I talked about my ten FAVORITE toys and games so I decided to take another stroll down Memory Lane: this time I’m going to talk about toys everyone HAD to have--only to find out that they sucked completely and utterly. I picked Spinz 10 as today’s fractal because these lemons all laid an egg--for me at least. Enjoy--unless you’ve made other plans.
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1) HULA HOOP: such a simple thing but oh so impossible to make work for oh so many! Many kids could make this simple plastic ring go around and around and around for ages on end: some could do it with multiple Hula Hoops. With me, the thing always fell right to the ground every time I tried it. I think that Hula Hoops frustrated me worse than anything else in my life. They were already losing popularity when I was a kid and have never made much of a comeback and I couldn’t be happier!
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2) TEDDY RUXPIN: I was too old for this toy but I was really hoping it would go huge. I love teddy bears and I love stories so the idea of combining the two into a story-telling Teddy Bear seemed perfect! Too bad the fur didn’t feel good and this Teddy wasn’t the least bit huggable. The movements were jerky and the “voice” of Teddy Ruxpin was so icky-sicky sweet that even kids wanted to run screaming while ripping their own ers off. The toy might have survived one or two of these flaws but put them all together and it spelled doom for Teddy Ruxpin. The manufacturers tried bringing “him” back a few years ago (no doubt hoping to cash in on parental nostalgia) but sales went nowhere and Teddy Ruxpin went away again (hopefully forever this time).
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3) CABBAGE PATCH KIDS: this was the “must have” toy for Christmas 1983. I remember going to the Target store in Long Beach CA to pick up a few necessities the day a shipment arrived and seeing a line of would-be buyers snaking clear around the building. I got to breeze right through the doors (since I was the only person NOT there for a Cabbage Patch Kid) which nearly caused a riot. (That was loads of fun--no really, it was!) That little bon mot aside--I never got the whole fascination with these dolls. Cabbage Patch Kids were kind of cute (in an ugly sort of way) when each one was manufactured individually and supposedly no two “Kids” were exactly alike, making each doll unique. Still, when Coleco ™ started making them by the millions I knew there would soon be a big bust. It took a while but over-saturation of the market took it’s toll and you couldn’t give these dolls away--leaving a lot of collectors who paid big bucks for the early mass-produced dolls high and dry--not to mention those poor souls who had the original dolls. I wonder if my sister Jane still has little “Ramsey Casey” in the top of her closet…?
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4) SIMON: the cool-for-a-minute toy of 1976. Players were supposed to follow a pattern of lights (within a set period of time) or they got a loud mechanical raspberry. Following the pattern was addictive for a while (and EVERYBODY had to take a turn). Still, after a month or two the thing never got played with again. (I could follow the “4” and “8” patterns almost constantly and was able to do “14” about 75% of the time but looking back I wonder why I wasted so much time on this.
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5) PETSTER: The cool-for-a-minute toy of 1985 was one of the first “status” toys of the “Me Generation.” It was a "first-generation" wireless remote-controlled toy--a legless, vaguely cat-looking thing that zipped around on the floor. It was HUGELY expensive for the time and went through batteries like you wouldn’t believe. Add to it the fact that, like most robotic toys, the thing had a bad habit of breaking that did make it worth the price. (Even the marketing campaign sucked--but still kids HAD to have it--for a while at least…) If the marketing campaign had been just a *little* better and the thing had cost a bit less we might have had Petster around for more than one season. Weirdly enough, if, Petster 2.0 were released today it would cost less money, do more things, probably be more reliable and a LOT smaller--not to mention costing less!
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6) BETSY WETSY: oh wow! You feed her a bottle and she wets her diaper! How exciting is that? Maybe that was big in the 1950s but I just don’t get it. At least Drink & Wet Baby that came out a few years later appeared to suck the bottle when you put it in her mouth but still.. Did little girls really enjoy pretending to changes baby’s didee? Not now, nor never having been a little girl I couldn’t say with certainty but I’m guessing mot so much…
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7) HE MAN: the second “gayest” toy ever manufactured featured “Prince Adam” a steroid-stallion pretty boy (with a blond pageboy) who morphed into jockstrap-wearing Leatherman “He Man” every time he shouted “by the power of Grayskull!” Many of his muscle-bound friends had truly horrific (often punny) names. (My favorites were Evillynn and Castaspella but Stinkor is right up there. So is Man E Faces and Ram Man). Notice I said nothing about Fisto and Extendor: some things are even too obvious for me to poke fun at It‘s more fun pointing out the latent homoerotic elements of this toys to inspecting kids who played with them…
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8) GROWING UP SKIPPER: twist this girl dolly’s arm the right away and she got taller and grew boobs! I wonder how many young girls dislocated their shoulders trying to duplicate this feat? OK, that was a cheap shot and hardly original but I was running out of things to diss.
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9) STRETCH ARMSTRONG: OK--you can stretch him--whoopee! How exciting his that!?! The thing that interested kids most was what was INSIDE the doll (some red goo that permanently stained any fabric it got on. How fun is that for Mom?
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10) NEOPETS: the “cool for a minute” toy at the turn of the second millennium. “Walk”, “feed” “train” and “play with” your virtual pet or he’d get destructive and eventually die. Yes, it mirrored the circle of life but--what’s the point here people?
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These toys made A LOT of money for their creators (or at least manufacturers) so I guess they weren’t that big of a dud. Still, I think it’s a damn fine Toy Hall of Shame..
I wish I could give a medal to the really cool toys of my childhood but since I can’t they’ll have to settle for the fractal Medal that goes with this post. That being said, it’s time for yet another pointless meander down Memory Lane..
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I recently watched a holiday special on HGTV called The Toys We Grew Up With. Seeing a lot of the toys I DID grow up with, (the ones I had a few of the ones I wanted and some I never could fathom their popularity so I decided to comment. Here’s a list of my top ten favorites. Future posts will give the BOTTOM ten and the ten WTF? toys.
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THE GOOD
1) LEGO. My all-time favorite toy. I don’t remember who gave me my first Lego Play Set (it was a build-your-own city) but I think it was my sister Andrea and I got it for my tenth birthday. From the moment I got it out of the package I was hooked. I played with those interlocking plastic blocks from Denmark for YEARS even doing two school projects with Legos (a Roman house and a Souther-style Plantation home). I remember borrowing my nephew Ricky’s Lego bricks for one of them yet somehow they never quite made it back to his house. I was less impressed later Lego sets that limited your building options but I’d still play with Lego today if I had the chance…
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2) ETCH-A-SKETCH: I think I went through four Etch-A-Sketches (at least) as a kid because I played with them so much (and they really WERE kind of delicate). I was never good enough to draw faces but I did a LOT of homes and fanciful cities. My cursive writing on the Etch-A-Sketch was also about as good as what I could do on paper (but that says more about my bad penmanship than anything else.) I was the best Etch-A-Sketcher in my neighborhood.
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3) TONKA TOYS: in the halcyon days of my youth Tonka Trucks were BIG metal constructions and I had quite a few--the dump truck, the fire truck, hook and ladder and some others. My sisters Syn Dee. Jane and Andrea did most of the purchasing of these. I played with them a lot but they stayed in pretty good condition in spite of that (which was a real testament to how well they were constructed). I went on a long vacation with my folks and came home to find all the toys (that I had thoughtlessly left outside for the other kids to play with) had all be destroyed. It still amazes me to think how much effort it would have taken to trash those trucks.
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4) SPIROGRAPH: this is a relatively simple toy--just a pen and compass that let you draw these awesome (mostly) circular designs (sort of the forerunner to fractals) but I played with it for a long, long time. Honestly, I don’t know why I eventually quit--maybe I exhausted the possibilities.
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5) MATCHBOX CARS: I think I had at least a hundred of these tiny metal cars. I remember fondly my sister Jane bringing me some “European-only” editions from a vacation she took to Germany with her husband. (I recently saw some of these on line and almost wept to see how much they were going for.) Some of my sisters even gave me some of the larger-scale Antique Car collectables and I enjoyed those too. (I think my sister Tanya has the remnants of the collection in her house.)
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6) LITE BRITE: I was never much for copying the “punch by numbers” pictures that came with the toy. I started making designs early on. (Maybe it was another precursor to my passion for creating fractals.) Dunno why I quit playing with it after a while: maybe it was just too limiting.
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7) CLUE: I don’t remember if I got this game as a gift or if I simply played it a lot from our “family” games but I liked it so much I bought the “Master Detective” version (a bigger game with more rooms, suspects and weapons), I still enjoy a good game of Clue today although I think it has more to do with the fact that I always play “in character” (which either amuses or annoys the folks we play with.)
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8) CRAYOLA CRAYONS: a whole realm of possibilities when my parents gave me the box of crayons with 64 colors and a built-in sharpener! I discovered colors like Raw Umber, Burnt Sienna, Cornflower Blue, Red Orange and Orange Red (yes they are different colors!) Back then the box also had colors like Light Flesh and Dark Flesh which made me incredibly happy because I could finally color people and make them look more or less real! Sadly, the biggest downside was that my favorite crayons got used up a lot faster then some of than some of the others and you couldn’t replace them without buying a whole new box (which never happened.) Still, I think Crayola Crayons are responsible for my love of color to this day.
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9) LINCOLN LOGS: I got these in early childhood and played with them for a good long time. These were my first foray into building actual buildings. I didn’t play with them any longer because what I could construct was actually rather limited (at least with the relatively small set I had). I longed to build multi-story log cabin mansions and sprawling forts with towers but I just didn’t have enough to build with.
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10) SCRABBLE: I never really appreciated this game until adulthood when I realized my passion for words had another outlet besides writing. I’m an OK Scrabble player but nowhere as good as those people who go so far as to memorize EVERY two-letter, three-letter and four-letter word in the Scrabble Dictionary so they can make more points.
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Looking back on this list it seems that most of my favorite toys involved some sort of creativity or using my brain--it foreshadowed the person I would become. (Of course that‘s probably the case with all of us.) No matter what toys are your favorite I’ll bet they have a way of inspiring a nostalgic longing in your heart for younger days. It certainly does me…
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Think about it.
I picked Squared Arabic 48 as the fractal for today’s post for one reason and one reason only. Like Marley And Me, it’s pretty and mostly golden. Enjoy the review unless you’ve made other plans.
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Robyn and I have a long-standing Christmas tradition: every Christmas Day we head out around noon to check out a holiday movie. (Being “child free” and having the sense NOT to host large family gatherings on this day of dayswe can do that.) We try to pick something “uplifting” (or at least fun). This year we chose Marley And Me. (Sort of inevitable since we both like animal stories and they don‘t make many movies about cats.) With this movie we pretty much got what we expected.
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Most adults (at least those with half a brain) know what’s going to happen before Marley And Me even begins. Sadly there are those who will be fooled by the marketing campaign into believing this really IS just a movie about a wacky Golden Retriever puppy who grows up to have wacky adventures with his equally wacky owners. And yes, there’s plenty of that in here--but there is some “family drama” and the ending (which you know is inevitable from the opening credits) is a three-hanky weeper. (Yes, even this cynical old Baron got a little misty.) You can describe the whole story in one sentence: “bad” dog teaches his family about life and love.
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I can’t fault this movie for being what it is--but I wouldn’t earn my “Critic’s Chapeau” if I couldn’t find a few minor things to complain about. The biggest one is this: fortyish Owen Wilson and Jennifer Anniston, good as they look, don’t come off like twenty something newlyweds. (They start out looking forty and end that way too.) Even though the movie was supposed to span a decade or more, the two leads never change anything--hair, clothing, looks attitude--and that bothers me at least a little. They play John and Jenny Grogan with an earnestness that’s never quite cloying but they both manage to annoy me a bit: how could two otherwise intelligent people walk into something like dog ownership without doing something in the way of research or making more of an effort to train their unruly dog? I also had HUGE problems with John’s general dissatisfaction with life: when he doesn’t like being a reporter but resents being forced to write a column (and when the column proves hugely successful he wants to go back to being a Reporter--but once he moves across country for the new job he wants to be a Columnist again!) Likewise, driven Jenny decides to quit work and become a stay-at-home Mom but resents her hubby and doesn’t want help: makes no sense to me. Still, Wilson and Anniston manage to make both the funny and sad scenes believable.
-It took 22 dogs to play Marley from puppyhood through his senior years but you'd never know it by looking at the movie. There's never a hint of difference from dog to dog. Alan Arkin does fine as John's curmudgeonly yet loveable editor in Miamia and Eric Dane isn't called on to do much of anything but look hunky. This movie rises and falls on the strength of the dog(s) and lead actors' performances.-
Marley And Me is NOT a movie for young children. Yes, there are a lot of funny bits but there are some serious moments that would lead to “awkward” discussion with your child so keep kids under age eight away from this movie (unless your child is exceptionally mature or you enjoy having difficult talks.) For a more mature crowd Marley And Me is a fine movie.
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FINAL GRADE: A-
Let’s begin today’s post with a Christmas Wreath as my gift to you for reading through my blog. Hope this one makes you smile at least a little.
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As you all no doubt know I am an inveterate collector (scroll down and read Confessions Of A Fiftyish Fanoy if you’ve forgotten and need a refresher). Luckily for Robyn a lot of my collections are intangible: (again, check out the post on “real” unfortunate names for one example). Mondagreens are one of my favorite holiday collections.
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No doubt a few of you out there are wondering “what the hell is a “Mondagreen” anyway? Very simply--a “mondagreen” is a misheard song lyric. (And you didn’t even KNOW there was a word for this!) Some are pretty pervasive (like there’s the bathroom on the right instead of there’s a bad moon on the rise) and some exist only in my tortured mind. So, in the spirit of the season, here are some of my favorite “Christmas” Mondagreens.
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Here’s one from Silent Night that comes from my own childhood… “Round John Virgin, mother and child…” For years I wondered who “John Virgin” was. I went to Sunday School but he never got mentioned there if he was featured so prominently in the song.
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Here’s another Christmas “classic”… “While Shepherds Washed Their Socks By Night”. (The real lyric is “While Shepherds WATCHED their FLOCKS by night.”) Some foks think said shepherds "WALKED THEIR FOX by night..."- From that touching American-made Christmas folk song I Wonder As I Wander we get this delightful little bit: "For FOUR HORNEY people like you and like I..." Me, I want to know who the other two folks are! (The real lyrics are for POOR HORNRY people...)-
This is a childhood favorite of mine from Winter Wonderland. “In the meadow we can build a snowman--and pretend that he is sparse and brown…” (Of course the real lyric is “we‘ll pretend that he is PARSON Brown“) Hey--I grew up in Imperial County! We actually HAD “snowmen” made of tumbleweeds (which really WERE sparse and brown!) so it made sense to me…) But “later on we’ll PERSPIRE (or maybe EXPIRE) as we DRINK by the fire--to face I’M AFRAID, the plans that we made…
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Why they called him “good” I’ll never know when “Good King Wencelas just backed out--on the feet of Stephen!” (It‘s “Good King WENCESLAS LOOKED out on the FEAST of Stephen! although a few folks have heard him "BACK out on HIS FEET UNEVEN".)
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My e-friend Carrie Brown provided this one from “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.” “Glory to the NEW YORK King!” Hmm--I always knew “New York” was different. I know a couple of QUEENS from there but still... Some folks even add these delightful little bits to the song: “Joyful OILY nations rise DRIVE A TRIUMPH IN DISGUISE…” (OK, if I HAD to drive a Triumph I’d want a disguise myself..)
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Here’s a little gem from “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.” “She thought that I was LOCKED up in my bedroom fast asleep.” Hey, if the brat was spying on me I’d lock him up myself!
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God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen (which is twisted up enough on it‘s own) gets this treatment. “GET DRESSED ye MARRIED gentlemen. EAT NOTHING ‘TIL THIS MAY” Or maybe: ‘GET HUFFY you JUST MAY.”
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And I guess it was “OLIVE, the other Reindeer” who gave Rudolph so much trouble… I mean, come on! S/he “used to LAP and call HIS DAMES.” (I don’t even want to know what that means!)
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A lot of “mondagreens” seems to revolve around food for some reason or other. Take for example this bit from Santa Claus is Coming to Town. “He’s making a list OF CHICKEN AND RICE..” Ayup! Better check THAT one twice… And once he’s checked that “Chicken and rice” they’re going to build a TOILET town all around the Christmas Tree!” EEW!
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“John Virgin shows up in this food-mangle from Silent Night. “ROUND JOHN virgin MARGERINE child. Holy IMBICILE tender and mild… Things take a bad turn in the next verse… “STABBING FIGHT, HOLD THE KNIFE. SHIP HER CAKE at THIS SITE..” (If the cake’s that good ship some to me too!) In the next verse they want you to “RADIATE MEAT from (your) "holy PLACE…” (and I’m not touching that one. It’s Christmas!)
- This food mangle is from The Christmas Song. "CHIPMUNKS roasting on an open fire. HOT SAUCE DRIPPING OFF THEIR TOES.." (As long as it's "Alvin," "Simon" and "Theodore" I'm all for it!) Some of the "dirty" minded might hear the lyric as "JEFF'S nuts roasting on an open fire . . ." Poor Jeff!-Songs in other languages are ripe for Mondagreen mangles. Take for example Feliz Navidad by Jose Feliciano. It has come out 'POLICE DOGGIE-DOG or maybe PLEASE DOGGIE-DOG or even FLEASE DOGGIE DOG!"-During the 12 Days Of Christmas some folks insist “my TULIP sent to me.. Twelve drummers drumming, eleven pipers piping, ten LAWYERS LEAVING, nine LAZY HANSONS, eight maids a-milking, seven WARTS ON WOMEN, six geese a-laying, five COLD END rings, four calling birds, three French hens two PURPLE doves and a CARTRIDGE in a PAN TREE!”
-Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year (unless you've made other plans...)
All these posts come out of my mind (literally) so it seemed inevitable that I would offer a post with an image called Out Of My Mind. Since this post deals with my thoughts it seemed particularly appropriate for today’s offering.
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Yesterday’s post (scroll down and check it out if you don‘t remember what I‘m talking about!) got me thinking about “unfortunate” names. I’ve been something of a fan of these for quite some time because they appeal to my sense of the absurd. Mind you, I’d never saddle one of my own kids with a “unique” name although Robyn and I have joked about naming a daughter Female (pronounced fem-ALEE) Mange and her brother would be Snout. Here are some my other favorites that are actually floating around the real world.
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CRYSTAL SHANDA LEAR: this started the whole obsession. “I went to school with “Chris” Lear and when I found her middle initial was “S” I had to ask.
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IMA and URA HOGG: I learned about this in 8th Grade and found out they were the daughters of Texas Governor “Big Jim” Hogg. (His middle name was "Butcher" so I guess weird names were a tradition in his line.) Ima was a philanthropist and patron of the arts who had one of the finest collections of art in the world. Ima Hogg is proof that anyone can overcome an unfortunate name.
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CHRIS P BACON: need I say more?
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BEN (not “Benjamin” Ben) DOVER: yeah, real cute--NOT!
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SCARLET and VIOLET GREENE: I don’t think their parents intended to be clever or cute. They just wanted to give their girls “colorful” names that went together.
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And my own personal favorite… SEYMOUR BYRDCHETT. (He pronounced it bird shit and even corrected me when I tried to pronounce it bird schette! I’ve heard of being proud of one’s name
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Sometimes foreign names acquire an unfortunate connotation when heard in English. (I’m sure they’re perfectly fine in their native tongue but in our language they are unintentionally funny.) To wit:
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FUNG KEE: owner of a Chinese Laundry in London. (I had several shirts done there when I visited in 1976). All I can say is “get down, get Fung Kee!”
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KAO-DUNG THIEU: (pronounced “cow dung too“)
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Sometimes the names are unfortunate in their own language and non-native speakers don’t recognize it unless they know the language. Here’s my favorite: Álvar Núñez Cabeza de Vaca. For those of you who don’t know cabeza de vaca means “cow’s head!” Eeew.)
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Hyphenating names can also be a dangerous thing. I remember the story of one Amanda Royell who was set to marry Christopher Payne. Her friends had to talk her out of hyphenating the name lest she become A. Royell-Payne.
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Those in the movie and music industry have elevated the “wacky” name to high art. These don’t have “double” meanings: they’re just stupid. Here are some of my favorites.
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RUMER, SCOUT and TALULA BELLE WILLIS (the three daughters of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore.)
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MOXIE CRIMEFIGHTER GILETTE: daughter of magician Penn Gillette.
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PILOT INSPEKTOR LEE son of My Name Is Earl star Jason Lee. Come on! He didn’t even spell it right!!!
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BRONX MOWGLI WENTZ: baby son of Pete Wentz of Fallout Boy and Ashlee Simpson the younger, less-talented sister of Jessica.
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ZOWIE BOWIE: son of David and Angela Bowie. He later changed his name to “Joe”. Wonder why…)
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But my absolute personal favorite of this lot has got to be JERMAJESTY JACKSON son of Jermaine Jackson of the Jackson 5. All I can say to that is: “jerkidding, right?”
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Yes, I suppose these names are “fun”, “cute” even “clever”--but with all a kid already has to face--do you REALLY want to stick your kid with a name like this? I don’t think so.
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Think about it.
Sometimes news like this is just “2” weird to let pass without comment--thusly I chose Weird Web 2 as the fractal for today’s rant. Read on and you’ll see what I mean.
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Heath and Deborah Campbell of Holland Township New Jersey (and all I can say is thank God these two are clear on the other side of the country) have been kicking up a fuss since the ShopRite supermarket in Greenwich Township N.J. refused to make a birthday cake for their son. The cake would have read HAPPY BIRTHDAY ADOLF HITER. (Yes, they named their son Adolf Hitler Campell: his two older sisters are JoyceLynn Aryan Nation and Honszlynn Himler Jeannie.) The store believes inscribing the cake with the name would be “inappropriate” (although the store DID offer the proud parents a cake without the name so they could put whatever they chose.)
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NOTE: I suppose I could spend several paragraphs berating the parents for their choice of names but there’s nothing I could say that would change their minds or shed any light on the situation. You have to let sick people like that be sick until they get themselves cured.
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If the story wasn’t weird enough it takes a truly bizarre turn when many people in the area complained to the local newspaper the Express-Times. Honestly, I don’t get that: the story is the sort of sad, if sensationalistic “human interest” piece that would be sure to grab attention ANYWHERE in the paper. Complaining about the story to the paper is just--dumb…
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Here’s the other thing I think is decidedly weird. The Campbell parents got the birthday cake they wanted at, of all places, Wal-Mart! Why is this odd, I hear you cry? Wal-Mart is such a guardian of public morals that they refuse to sell albums with explicit lyrics or books with “questionable” content. I can’t figure out why such a (supposedly) decent, “family friendly” business would want to associate themselves with something like this. It seems somehow inconsistent with the rest of the store policies. (Of course "Wally World" DID have a major distribution deal for Brokeback Mountain and we all know about that.) Even so, you gotta admit--that’s just plain weird…
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Think about it.
I picked Citrine as today’s fractal image for one reason alone: it’s green. (And if you can’t figure out why that’s important from reading this post maybe you shouldn’t be reading my blog, operating heavy machinery, going out unaccompanied…)
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The past few days there has been a lot of coverage in our local paper, the Press Enterprise, centering around some Hemet Senior Citizen complaining about their home on a golf course being damaged by golf balls. Frankly, I don’t get it: yes, I understand the need to bitch (I do that often enough in my blog--I'm doing it now!) but for the newspaper to spend multiple days covering the story and having people write letters to the editor? Say what you will about the Orange County Register--they never wasted their ink and my time covering such a complete non-story.
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Come on people! Is there some function of being a Senior Citizen that causes you to lose your mind? What did they really expect was going to happen on a Golf Course??? You’d think that they would have had SOME idea of the potential trouble living in such a spot would entail: complaining about it after the fact reminds me of people who buy homes under a flight path and then complain about airport noise. (It’s a different story if homeowner was there first but that’s just not the case here.) Suck it up and deal!
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Of course, it must be nice to live in a community so devoid of “real” news that our newspaper could devote so much ink. Dunno what, if anything, to say about that other than to note the fact so I guess I’ll simply make the note and move on. We never had this kind of problem in Orange County (or if we did the paper had more important things to do than air local citizens complaints). Is that a good thing? Honestly, I don’t know but it’s something worth thinking about…
I picked Satin Arabesque 66 for today’s post for only one reason--the fact that it is black and white (and this issue really seems like a “black and white thing” to me. The image is pretty enough but the story isn’t pretty at all. Read on and see what you think.
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Like the LAPD before it, the Riverside Police Department has had it’s share of racially-centered “incidents”. This latest one caught my interest because it raises a number of questions which I’ll get to in due course. In the meantime here’s the story…
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The incident in question happened on October 7, 2008 when Wayne Guillory (an officer with the Los Angeles Police Department) was sitting on a ledge on his property (in an upscale Riverside neighborhood) talking to Leslie Jo Young, a door-to-door Bible Salesman when he was approached by RPD Officers responding to a “Solicitor” complaint. The officer told Guillory to leave, first pointing a Taser at the man and then a gun. It took 8 or 9 RPD Officers (who arrived with lights and sirens) to verify that Guillory had a RIGHT to be there--but not before he was cuffed and forced to lie face-down on hot asphalt. Once they were able to verify Guillory’s identity he was released without an apology.
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Now Guillory seems to be talking to anyone who will listen and complaining that he was a victim of Racial Profiling. Was he? I dunno (but if it walks like a Racial Profile and quacks like a Racial Profile it’s very likely a Racial Profile.) For whatever reason, Guillory is now being investigated by the L.A.P.D. (not sure why they have anything to do with this) because of the incident. Guillory denies reports that he balled up his fists and was ready to fight the officers.
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Riverside Police Chief Russ Leach has complained that press coverage of the incident was “one sided.” In the words of the Prophet--”well, duh!” The city of Riverside has refused comment other than to say the charges are “without merit” (again--well duh! What did you really expect them to say?) Still, if the City has something on the guy (other than the testimony of the involved officers) they shouldn’t be playing their cards so close to the vest. Further, I know the Chief of Police has a certain “obligation” to defend his officers and his department but going after what seems like a serious over-stepping of boundaries here but it strikes me as--well--tacky somehow. Whatever happens this looks like it’s going to be a big mess.
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What I want to know is why the involved officers upon realizing their mistake didn’t say something like “sorry, we screwed up.” The man clearly had a right to be where he was (even if he was black and his black guest made the neighbors uncomfortable) and he had a right to entertain whomever he wished on his property (as long as they weren’t making a public nuisance). Surely this could have been resolved if someone involved had just shown a modicum of common sense. Sadly, common sense seems to be in very short supply these days. Instead the Police Department has bought themselves a mess of trouble.
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Think about it.
Here’s a happy little story testifying to the power of the Internet. So often this medium is used for overt silliness or outright stupidity that I thought it might be a nice change to highlight something good. Maybe it’s a little Christmas magic involved. That’s why I picked Christmas Magic as the fractal image for this post.
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Last year about this time I got an e-Mail from my friends Don and Louise Almy suggesting I take a look at a certain YouTube ™ video. They know my taste well enough not to send something to me that won’t make me laugh or think so I didn’t hesitate to click on the link to see what I would get.
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Before I go any further why don’t you click on this link and take a look for yourself. (It will really help you understand the rest of the post.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Fe11OlMiz8 . -I really enjoyed it for several reasons: FIRST singing a cappella is hard enough but singing unaccompanied with shifting tempos (the musical term is tempi but I doubted most of my loyal readers would understand that word) and singing something completely opposite what those near you is a sure recipe for disaster. Even so the guys were note-perfect. SECOND: this version of The 12 Days Of Christmas appealed to my sense of the absurd and I think it’s pretty darn funny.
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What you were watching (assuming you surfed over there) was a performance by a group called Straight No Chaser. They were a student-organized sub-group of the Indiana University Show Choir in 1998. After graduation the guys went on to “ordinary” lives and careers and put the group behind them Ten years after graduation the guys had a reunion and one former member posted some video on YouTube ™, Six million hits later executives from Atlantic Records decided to give the boys a record deal. Naturally everyone involved jumped at the chance to record. The resulting album, Holiday Spirits was released on October 28, 2008.
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The album is a mix of sacred and secular holiday favorites (skewing to the popular side). There’s only one new song on the album (Indiana Christmas) that is good but not great. The rest are holiday standards ranging from Little Saint Nick to Carol of the Bells: of course their version of The 12 Days of Christmas (basically what got them noticed in the first place) is included as well. Every song is performed well with perfect balance and a lot of verve. Men’s a cappella singing isn’t for everyone but I doubt few people will out-and-out HATE the album. I think I’ll enjoy it long after the novelty of “12 Days” wears thin.
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Will Straight No Chaser ever be anything more than a flash in the pan, a holiday footnote known only for a single song? I don’t know. In all honesty, I don’t see them becoming anything more than a minor success forever on the fringes of fame. Still, they’ll have a life in November and December for as long as they want to stay together. I hope they find a way to break out of their niche. Whether they “break out” or not--Straight No Chaser has managed through luck and still to do something a lot of musical groups only dream of. That’s a Christmas miracle in and of itself. Is it Christmas magic or the power of YouTube ™
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Think about it.
I picked Golden Petal Spiral mainly because of the dual nature of the image. If you read the title of today’s post you can probably see why that would be important to me here. If not, I guess you’ll have to read on…
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Since moving to the Inland Empire, the Baroness--my Lady Robyn and I have resolved that we will be more adventurous. We’re not going to allow ourselves to fall into the same old rut. We’re going to try new restaurants and order different things on the menu. (Yes, my lady-love and I became rather stodgy and complacent during our time in the O.C.) We’ve tried a number of new places (new to us at least) but two have stuck out in our minds--mainly because neither one has been open that long. (If I’m wrong, someone please feel free to correct me!)
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What does that have to do with anything I hear you cry? (Yes, I’m hearing voices again..) Opening a restaurant is always an “iffy” proposition at best and in these uncertain times it’s almost crazy. Still, two businessmen dared to try and make their dream come true, risking losing their shirts in the process. I’ve got to give these dudes props for cojones if nothing else. Betty Fay’s Café and The Twisted Gourmet are located on opposite ends of Main Street in Corona and are about as far apart as they can be on the culinary spectrum so comparing and contrasting the two places seemed like a good idea to me. NOW on with the rant!
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Robyn and I had seen The Twisted Gourmet since we moved out to the O.C. and I knew I HAD to try the place. (Come on people! It had “twisted“ in the name: you know it was a foregone conclusion that I‘d eat there.) We showed up at the dot of noon one Monday in early November and the place was empty. (Never a good sign.) For a moment I thought I was back in Orange County: the décor was “Industrial” (polished concrete floors, dark-painted walls, exposed duct work, smallish tables with metal chairs that could have been more comfortable. The waitress greeted us with nothing more than a “how many?” (Maybe she thought we were the advance of a larger group.) We were conducted to our table: the waitress dropped our menus and promptly evaporated. She popped up a few minutes later to take our order but never asked if we had questions about the menu. (When I DID ask a question her reply was rather brief but not outright rude.) The service throughout the meal could best be described as desultory. (If you don’t know what the word means look it up.)
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Our food was EXCELLENT and abundant. All the ingredients were fresh and high quality (and I didn’t walk away hungry. The wine list was small but varied and looked good (to my “non drinker” eye) and they had a nice array of deserts (which I didn’t try because the appetizer and sandwich filled me up.) I really enjoyed our appetizer of Pepperoni Chips (which I‘d never seen anywhere else) and I’m sure anything that came out of their kitchen would be delicious. Still, I left feeling vaguely unsatisfied. Good as the food was I didn’t feel particularly welcome and I didn’t feel appreciated as a customer. I may eat there again but I feel no overwhelming need to go back to the place nor do I feel a need to recommend it to others.
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Robyn and I visited Betty Faye’s Café for Saturday lunch and I felt like I’d taken a giant step backward into my childhood. I was overwhelmed by a sense of déjà vu as I glanced around at the tan-and turquoise flowered wallpaper, the western-style decorations put up here and there and the K-FROG playing country music (not too loudly) in the background. I could have been at any number of Cafes or Coffee Shops from Brawley California to Bunkie Louisiana that dotted the landscape of my childhood memory. As soon as I walked in I knew the kind of food and treatment I was going to get. The food was going to be of “epic” proportions and of a certain quality. (They were advertising a “hog slab breakfast” as one of the specials. How could I not?)
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We were greeted by a smiling hostess who took us to a table, dropped menus and took our drink orders. (There is one significant difference between Betty Faye’s and the coffee shops of my childhood: the tables and chairs are wooden--not Formica and plastic-uphols
tered chrome.) Our server didn’t introduce himself (but they never would in the Coffee Shops of old) but he was quick to take our order, answer questions about the menu and the restaurant. He even made menu suggestions. I found him a bit “touch-y” for myself (but then again, I’m not a touchy-feely sort of person) but he wasn’t improper in any way. (I just don’t like being touched by strangers.)
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Robyn’s Grilled Beef and Cheese Sandwich was well-packed with thin-sliced meat and Cheddar Cheese. It came with a “mess o’ fries” (my description, not theirs) that were good hot but got pretty gross when they cooled off. (Still, have you ever known a cold French Fry NOT to be gross?) My Meat Loaf “lunch” (the place isn‘t open for dinner--but they serve breakfast until closing) came swimming in brown gravy. There was a LOT of meat loaf that reminded me of what I’d have gotten in a Coffee Shop as a kid. It was tasty but there was a bit too much gravy and I could have done with some mushrooms in the gravy (but no Coffee Shop of my youth would have served it that way.) The accompanying mashed potatoes were real--not reconstituted from a box. (I actually LIKE slightly lumpy mashed potatoes: that way I know they’re real.) The accompanying vegetable (green beans) had been left to sit on a steam table too long so they were kind of mushy and had lost most of their flavor. (Still, I pretty much expected this from the get-go.) The coffee could put hair on your chest, (tongue, the bottom of your feet…) but it wasn’t burnt and I didn’t need to add sugar. (My server even asked if I needed cream rather than leaving me to ask.)
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The food here is hardly a revelation but it is a fine example of it’s oeuvre. (It IS a fine example of Coffee Shop Cuisine: “foodies should probably avoid the place.) The service was fast and friendly and Robyn and I left planning our next visit. My “artsy-fartsy friends and the hyper health-conscious would want to avoid the place but anyone seeking “comfort” food in a “cozy” place would enjoy it.
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There are so many factors in opening a restaurant. I’m no expert (never having opened a business) but it seems to me both places have some serious strikes against them. For a place The Twisted Gourmet to succeed it needs a lot of traffic. A mini mall in a mostly residential neighborhood is going to be a hard sell. (They don‘t even have a major store to help attract potential customers) Betty Faye’s Café is on a major street and in a decent-sized shopping center. Too bad that shopping center’s anchor store is Mervyn’s (which closes in less than a month) and it isn’t clearly visible from the street. Betty Faye’s “unique” schedule may be a strike against it as well. Still, I wish both places much luck and hope they make a go of it.
Today’s post begins with a fractal called Fan Star: a “fan” image was necessary for this confessional--but I’m sure my loyal readers can see why from the title.
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I have come to an inescapable truth about myself that I’m sad to admit: I’m a Fanboy. I suffer from multiple forms of Fandom but luckily the condition has never gotten any worse than “Second Stage Fandom” (which I will explain shortly) but I assure you that’s quite bad enough. Fandom as a concept has been recognized since the 1940s but even today many people are afflicted with Fandom and don’t even know it. The condition is well documented among Comic Book and Science Fiction Fans but it comes in many other forms. (We all know an obsessive “Sports Card Collector” or the crazy lady with 300+ Marie Osmond Dolls. Yes you, like me, could be a Fan and not even know it!
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Here’s a list of how Fandom progresses…
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FIRST STAGE FANDOM
The disease first manifests itself as a neurotic need to collect everything you can. In my case this is a neurotic need to collect every Christmas CD ever recorded by Manheim Steamroller. It doesn’t matter that the group is doing the same schtick every year and that the quality is making a slow, inevitable downward crawl: if I see a new Manheim Steamroller Christmas CD on the market I’m buying it.
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SECOND STAGE FANDOM
A “Second Stage” Fan seeks out others similarly afflicted. (This explains the origins of Quilting Guilds, Comic Book Conventions and Star Trek Association for Revival. Their conversation begins to be consumed by whatever their particular hobby may be--even when others they are speaking with show little to no interest. (I know my sisters are going to think I’m taking a swipe at their quilting obsession but I’ve been trapped in these conversation with Sci Fi Fans, Comic Book Fans, Gamers and even sports fans: nobody is immune.)
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THIRD STAGE FANDOM
This is where the disease takes a dangerous turn: the collecting obsession progresses past the single item. Now they have to have anything remotely related to their particular strain of Fandom. Sports Fans, Gamers and Comic Book Fans are particularly vulnerable because manufacturers produce so much material for “Collectors.” (Not that other “Fans” are spared: they too have plenty of “Dealers” ready to feed their addiction.)
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Sports Fans have team jerseys, caps, jackets--even underwear--in fact any piece of clothing can have a team logo stitched or printed on. Then you get posters, cards, mugs, flags, antenna balls and god knows what else. PLUS there’s all the traveling to games to see their team play which has its own set of expenses. Comic Book Fans get suckered into buy “Special Editions” (a foil cover that more than doubles the price of the book--while costing the publisher less than a cent to produce. Then the fan has the opportunity to collect all sorts of other media (books, DVDs and electronic games) toys and a host of other products emblazoned with the book/character logo. Fans of Role Playing Games have an ever-expanding array of product to buy that could drive a millionaire to the Poor House.
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FOURTH STATE FANDOM
Fourth Stage Fans eat, sleep and breathe their hobby. It’s all they talk about and their fandom rules their lives. They may write blogs or “fanfic” about their hobby and might even go so far as to try to get a job in a field related to their Fandom (which at least is helps them make a few bucks). They schedule themselves around their Fandom and even get offended when non-Fans presume to try to hold an event that conflicts with theirs. To wit: a friend of mine (who shall remain nameless) had a Birthday that fell on the same day as the regularly-scheduled Dungeons and Dragons game. Her husband and several friends refused to cancel or postpone their game to attend her party and got angry that she would schedule the event against their game and got even angrier with those of us gamers (Stage One and Two Fans) who elected to attend the party. (Yes, I was a D&D Player back in the day.)
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STAGE FIVE (TERMINAL) FANDOM
This is where the Fan becomes a Stalker: they might actually believe they are a Star Fleet Officer, Vampire or even a Pro Football Player. Their Fandom affects their school/work performance but it doesn’t bother the Fan. Fandom begins to wreck their relationships since Marriages and personal relationships take a back seat to the Fandom. Worse, they might go so far as to do something illegal to get close to the object of their obsession. At this point Fans are essentially useless to anyone but other Fans (who call them Superfans.) Non-Fans can’t help them: all you can do is shake your head and sigh.
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So why am I writing this? I started thinking about it after I bought the latest Manheim Steamroller album Christmasville. I thought their last album was (in all honesty) pretty crappy but I still ordered a second copy when my first one disappeared. I listened to Christmasville and really rather liked it--but I wondered why Chip Davis had chosen to do an album featuring music from How The Grinch Stole Christmas (both the original TV Cartoon and that travesty of a movie). Then I read the liner notes and found out that Chip Davis had been asked to do the music for a Universal Studios “Grinch”-themed show. (Of course, seeing an opportunity to make even more money he decided to release the music on an album--and getting paid twice for the same project.)
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Still, I guess I can’t really blame Chip Davis or his record company. I could have done a little research and found out the nature of the project (which I then may or may not have purchased) but I chose not to do so. I made the decision to buy the album for the sake of completeness (and because I got it for less than $10.00) I, like, any Fan (of whatever) have to take responsibility for my habit and learn to control my impulses. (Maybe I should start an organization called Fandom Anonymous which will help Fans on their road to recover.)
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Also, know that recovery is possible for all but the most rabid of “Truefans”. All it takes is a prolonged exposure to bad material. I know it works because I am a walking example. To wit: I was a Fan of the “Xanth” Novels by Piers Anthony. When I first started reading the books were “clever” and “fun” but all-too-soon they degenerated into “cute” then “cutesey” then “cutesey-poo” and finally “what am I reading this sh#t for?” (Yet still I kept reading for at least five books beyond the point they became irredeemable until I finally gave up in utter disgust (but not before I bought the “Xanth“ Board Game.
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Sadly, Fandom is an insidious disease: Fans who manage to get cured of one version often find themselves catching another kind of Fandom and thus the cycle starts all over again. The underlying condition that made us prey to Fandom in the first place still exists and it is hard to cure without extensive help or getting a life--but that’s a post for another time.
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Think about it.
Abstract Christmas Bells seemed like the perfect choice for a post involving my favorite Christmas music. Since you are all no doubt wondering what my FAVORITE Christmas songs are (after the last post) read on and you'll find out.
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Last time I wrote about my top ten most annoying Christmas songs. Now, in the spirit of holiday equanimity (and because I really DO like Christmas music) I decided to write about my favorite Christmas songs. To the fans of snark--don’t worry! There will be some of that here too. The list goes first to last this time.
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01) OH HOLY NIGHT
Many years ago my sister Syn Dee was married to (very) minor singing star Vic Dana: as a result we got all his albums (this was back when records were vinyl--CDs hadn’t been invented and tapes hadn‘t come into popular use). I didn’t remember the title of the LP so I looked it up on line: it was Little Altar Boy And Other Christmas Songs. (It's amazing what you can find on the Internet!) One side was secular songs (you turned records over on your stereo back in the day) and the other had sacred music. It was the first time I remember hearing the song. Many years later when I started singing in public Oh Holy Night became part of my holiday repertoire. It always got a great response from the audiences so I loved singing it. The music is difficult enough that mostly only trained singers attempt the song. Thus there aren’t many “bad” versions out there (althought Brian Setzer's bawling, big band version comes pretty close).
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02) O COME, O COME EMANUEL
I got my first exposure to “classic” Christmas music when I joined the B.U.H.S. Concert Choir (under the direction of Jacqueline M. Keltz). Back in the “Olden Days” schools actually did “Christmas” shows and this carol was the first one up. I remember standing on stage in Palmer Auditorium bathed in blue-violet light as we sang this song acapella. Even today, this song signals the opening of the Advent Season for me so I still love it.
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03) THE CHRISTMAS SONG (CHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE)
This is another song that was on my ex-bro’-in-law Vic’s Christmas Album. Back when I was singing in public it was in my repertoire and it always got good reactions. This song is singularly suited to my voice and I like the sentiment. I’ve never even heard a bad version on record (although Celine Dion's version comes close).
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04) JOY TO THE WORLD
I like this song mainly for one reason: it is the only Christmas Carol I know the bass part to and can sing harmony all the way through without having to follow someone else or relying on accompaniment. I always wanted to be in one of those “Victorian Caroler” groups you see around the holidays but since I lack the ability to sight sing that is a dream which will never become reality. Still, singing Joy To The World with Robyn and La Pitz lets me live it just a little. (We don't have a tenor to make up a quartet…)
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05) CAROL OF THE BELLS
The four-part choral arrangement is awesome. Fun to sing and just as fun to listen to. Yes, there are some bad versions of this song out there--particularly when someone tries to turn the song into a solo by stripping out all the polyphonic layers: (I find the Kenny Rogers version particularly cringeworthy) but it’s hard to ruin this song if the artist doesn‘t mess with it.
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06) WALK THROUGH BETHLEHEM
I heard this song a few years ago on the Trisha Yearwood Christmas album The Sweetest Gift and I was unstintingly and totally in love. The lyrics really speak to me about the need to leave behind the tinsel and fluff of the season and re-connect with the real meaning of Christmas. I wasn’t able to find a good version of this song on line but it is well worth seeking out.
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07) IT WASN’T HIS CHILD.
Here’s another song I found on Trisha Yearwood’s Christmas Album. This song gives you a peek into Joseph’s role in the birth and life of Jesus. If you haven’t heard the song you can use this link to see a YouTube video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KTXwmFXbSqQ&feature=related . (t isn't Trisha's version but it's still nicely done.)
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08) ZAT YOU SANTA CLAUS
Maybe it’s something of a novelty song but it appeals to my sense of silliness (and I would one day love to perform this in public). Louis Armstrong recorded it first but there have been quite a number of pretty good covers. (Use this link to check out a version by Buster Poindexter: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3bqdP6GuAvM . This is my least favorite version of the song but it’s still pretty good.)
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09 MARY DID YOU KNOW
Nice melody, interesting message and nicely suited to my voice--that’s why I like this song so much. If you haven’t heard the song use this link to reach a nice. Not over-performed version by Donny Osmond: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ii9JvTyeL1Y .
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10) COVENTRY CAROL
I like this one mainly for two reasons: ONE) it’s ancient. (In fact the Coventry Carol is so old it was written in Middle English and may well be the oldest carol regularly sung today TWO) any carol that commemorates King Herod’s slaughter of the innocents is too deliciously perverse for words. It’s terrible I know but it’s true (and I’m nothing if not truthful here in my blog.)
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11) MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
No, it’s not the nursery rhyme or even the Paul McCartney and Wings song that was banned in Britain. I found this version on the Christmas album released by Garth Brooks. I’m not one of “Garthie’s” biggest fans--but I really like this album. Partly I like this song because the title is so wonderfully obtuse and off-putting--but it has a great melody and a nice message. I especially loved the look I got from the Director of Music Greg Kirby at Community United Methodist Church in Huntington Beach when I told him what I wanted to sing. That was priceless.
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12) MERRY CHRISTMAS DARLING
Even twenty years after Karen Carpenter’s death there’s a sweetness and sadness to her voice that can really hit me in the gut even through the over-produced, hyper-lush treacle she had to sing against. Merry Christmas Darling perfectly captures the longing of lovers separated at the holidays. If you haven’t heard the song before check it out using this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QnT8sYz_ASk . The video doesn’t thrill me but the song is beautiful.
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13) I HEARD THE BELLS ON CHRISTMAS DAY
I heard the Johnny Cash version of this song a lot when I was a child. It was a simple yet powerful tune that really affected me. Much later I learned the song (at least the lyrics) had been written during the Civil War. In these days of terror and discord the message rings as true and powerful as it ever was.
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14) O MAGNUM MYSTERIUM
It’s a polyphonic piece written in Latin that most people would never hear outside a church or concert hall. Still, I’ve always loved this song and am always glad when I get to sing it with a choir or hear it performed. Check out this link to hear it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zjIWwLFdI94
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15) WHITE CHRISTMAS
Bing Crosby did it first and “Der Bingle” did it best even though there are plenty of other good versions out there. As a SoCal native I’ve never seen what the charm of a white Christmas would be. (Personally, my idea of a perfect Christmas Day is eating my dinner by the pool in a polo shirt and shorts when it’s 80 + degrees. Still, every time I hear Bing’s baritone start the song I find myself “longing to be up North”--at least a little bit.
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16) CHRISTMAS CANON
Paul O’Neil’s Trans-Siberian Orchestra is the king of bombastic, cheesetastic, overblown holiday spectacles. You’d think this would be just the sort of holiday slop I’d rage against but I get sucked in every year by their stuff. Pachebel’s Canon in D is one of my favorite classical pieces so when the group released a Christmas version I was hooked. Check out this link for the “easy listening” version of the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGrhzCgy_bg .
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17) SLEIGH RIDE
I like the instrumental version of the tune better than versions that have words (but I don’t even hate most versions of the song with lyrics. Check out an instrumental version by the Boston Pops under the direction of John Williams by using this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4rSocVAD6c .
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18) THE ALL-PURPOSE CAROL
I found this delightful little novelty on Christine Lavin’s album The Runaway Christmas Tree (which is worth digging up for fans of rounds and catches). In this well-blended day and age there’s a real need for a song like this. Here’s a transcript of the words: We’re Christian and we’re Jewish--and of African descent/we’ve always found the holidays to be a strange event/so on the first day of Chrismakuh my true love sang to me/a new all-purpose carol right for trimming a hybrid tree/Merry Christmas/Happy Hanukah/Kwanzaa time is here/It that fa-la-la, deedle-dum, jumbo-jumbo time of year/Gloria! Baruch Attah! In excelsis deo/Daylight come and de drummer boy drum--and the angels fly away-o/ Daylight come and de drummer boy drum--and the angels fly away--oy mon! Now isn’t that perfect?
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19) O LITTLE TOWN OF BETHLEHEM
I like this one for a perverse reason. You can sing this song to so many different tunes. You all know the familiar tune but try singing the words to the tune of Amazing Grace or even The House Of The Rising Sun. It totally works. With only a little tweaking you can even make it fit Folsom Prison Blues and Pinball Wizard. Now that is truly an all-purpose Christmas Carol if ever there was one! I keep discovering new tunes I can sing it to--which is why I love it so.
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20) CHRISTMAS IS WITH US AGAIN
I’m a fan of all things Celtic so when I saw CD called Celtic Christmas by Eden’s Bridge on sale for five dollars I couldn’t resist snapping it up. It turned out to be one of my favorite Christmas Albums of all times. An early cut on the album is Christmas Is With Us Again. I couldn’t find a clip on line (too bad!) so you’ll have to seek it out on your own. Still, the song is worth it. In fact, I’m going to close this post with a few lines from that song. There’s a message we all really need to hear…
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It’s tatty and tawdry, and shabby and stale
And the spirit of Christmas is lined with fine ale.
But we spend all our money--complain at the price
Forgetting the reason, the birth of the Christ.
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I have waited so long Lord to celebrate mirth
When the one son of God became flesh on this earth
But we’re milking the season for all that it’s worth
And Christ is forgotten again.
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Let’s remember Christ this Christmas…
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Today’s post begins with a fractal called Tis The Season. (Unless you’ve been living under a rock you know which one!) ’Tis the season for Christmas music and all things holiday so ’tis the season for holiday commentary. It wouldn’t be Christmas without the Baron finding something to gripe about. So here goes today’s rant.
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Among the list of this year’s holiday specials is one featuring the 12 Most Beloved Holiday Songs (bowing later this month on NBC: check your local listings if you’re interested). Needless to say, the snaky nature of this blog demands that I supply my list of my ten most annoying Christmas songs. So, without further ado, here is the list.
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10) SILENT NIGHT
Performed by trained singers this is one of the most beautiful Christmas songs you’ll want to hear: too bad that happens so rarely. Performed badly the song is truly cringe worthy. Out-of-tune Children’s Choirs, hooty sopranos and large groups of adults who simply lack the vocal ability to make the octave jump in the next-to-last line.
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09) MY FAVORITE THINGS
I actually kind of like this song but I have a major beef with it. My Favorite Things is NOT a Christmas song!!! (It's from The Sound Of Music--and the scene has nothing do do with a holiday.) Christmas is never mentioned and about the only thing that is remotely “Christmas-y” is the mention of “sleigh bells” Sleigh rides is (or was) a not-uncommon activity all winter where it snows. Other tunes like Baby It’s Cold Outside, Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow and Winter Wonderland have also gotten sucked into the Christmas Carol Cannon as well. Even Jingle Bells (written as a Thanksgiving song) has met the same fate. Guess we aren’t interested in celebrating winter for winter’s sake any longer.
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08) ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS MY TWO FRONT TEETH
There is an arc with every novelty song ever released. First it’s “oh how clever” but sooner or later (usually sooner) it becomes “heard it!” and it is only a matter of time before it becomes “why are they playing that damn song again!” All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth has been around longer than I have and it was played out long ago. Worse yet, the Spike Jones original has been covered by way too many artists--none of which are as good as the first version.
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07) THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
This history of this song is quite interesting: Catholics in Puritan England were prevented from practicing their religion (on pain of imprisonment and even death) so someone came up with the idea of reminding them of their faith. Check out this link if you want the whole history: http://www.appleseeds.org/12_days-christmas.htm . Still, with the content taken out the song simply becomes long and boring to sing (along the lines of 99 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall). Worse, the song is ripe for updating--most often in a bad way.
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06) HERE COMES SANTA CLAUSE
I believe in and celebrate the sacred aspects of Christmas (the birth of Christ in case you’ve forgotten) but I also enjoy the secular aspects (Santa Clause, presents and all that.) I’m not a big fan of attempts to mix faith and fun like this son does. To wit: “Santa knows that we’re God’s children. That’s makes everything right”. Say what? If that was the case there would be no need to be good, would there? Also I’m bummed out by the line “he doesn’t care if you’re rich or poor--he loves you just the same.” (He may love y’all equally but the rich kids get more toys.) It’s not nice to lie to little children--especially the poor ones.
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05) ROCKIN’ AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE
Why this bothers me so much I don’t know--but it really does. I’d like to blame Brenda Lee but I don’t like the song any better when another artist covers the song. My niece Tami Chick does a pretty dead-on imitation of Brenda Lee but I still don't like the song.
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04) JOLLY OLD SAINT NICHOLAS
The third verse catapults this song into the “annoying” top ten. (If you doubt, read on.) Johnny wants a pair of skates, Susy wants a dolly; /Nellie wants a story book; She thinks dolls are folly;/As for me, my little brain isn’t very bright;/Choose for me, old Santa Claus. What you think is right. Maybe it was cute a century ago but now it just comes off as smarmy and self-serving. Puh-lease! It’s time to stop.
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03) THE CHIPMUNKS’ CHRISTMAS SONG
It’s Alvin and the Chipmunks! Do I really need to say anything else? Even as a child I never liked that particular trio (although I liked the song‘s sentiment when I was little). About the only good thing about this song is that it has never been covered by any other artist. This is one of those songs that always makes me switch stations every time I hear it come on.
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02) GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER
You can’t fault California Veterinarian Elmo Shropshire and his wife Patsy for parlaying a novelty record into a multimillion dollar success (even if it did take over ten years to get the record out!) Still, this newest of the novelty Christmas songs is hugely popular (even though I change the station every time it comes on the radio.) Sadly, Elmo and Patsy didn’t survive their success. Elmo and Patsy divorced in 1995--which somehow seems strangely fitting but they are still laughing all the way to the bank every Christmas season.
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01) CHRISTMAS SHOES
There aren’t enough words to say how much I utterly loathe this Christmas song! Yes, I understand the story about someone regaining the Christmas Spirit (as old as Charles Dickens’ famous novel) but this is just so blatantly emotionally manipulative and so unabashedly schmaltzy that it makes me want to scream! Worse, I often find myself getting a little misty and choked up every time I hear it! I hate that. Surely there’s a better way of getting the point across.
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There are quite a number of “honorable mentions” that didn’t quite make the list but are definitely in the top twenty. Jingle Bell Rock (no matter who records it). All I Want For Christmas Is You (the Vince Vance and the Valiants and Mariah Carey versions are equally annoying), Please Come Home For Christmas (first recorded by the Eagles), Angels We Have Heard On High (because non-trained singers have so much trouble with the chorus), In The Bleak Midwinter (because it‘s well--bleak) and even Jingle Bells and Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer (because that‘s how I roll).
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We all have or “love its” or “hate its” this Holiday Season--but wherever you are have a happy one.
I chose Christmas Surprise as the image for today’s post for several reasons. I’m reviewing a “Christmas” movie (so something with “Christmas” in the title was needed and several nasty surprises play parts in the movie so the image fits on both counts. Also--I just liked it enough to use it here--so there! Now on with the review…
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Around this time every year some major movie studio puts out a feel good, family movie for the season. Four Christmases ain’t it for this year: the movie tries but falls flat. Worse, it lacks subversive charm (like Bad Santa) so you can’t even feel good about feeling bad. Probably the movie’s biggest sin is that it leaves patrons saying “well that’s two hours of my life I’ll never get back.” It’s not a BAD movie--really it isn’t--but honestly, Four Christmases is just so un-good!
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Brad (Vince Vaughn in full self-parody mode) and Kate (Reese Witherspoon cute as always but with a full Charmectomy) are two happy San Francisco singles who have been together for three years. Every Christmas season they gleefully avoid their families and fly off to a wonderful, exotic vacation but we know there’s going to be trouble (even if we haven’t seen the previews) even before they get to the airport. (Kate is complaining “I think we’ve done this vacation before.”) When their flight is cancelled (and Brad and Kate get splashed all over the news) they end up having to visit all four parents (divorced and involved with other people) in one day.
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First up is Brad’s white-trash Dad Howard (Robert Duvall, phoning in his grumpy-bear performance) and low-rent “Ultimate Fighting” brothers Denver and Dallas (Jon Favreau, looking like a steroid stallion and country music star Tim McGraw who barely makes an impression). This scene has a few funny bits but it’s mostly cringe-inducing (and not in a good way.) Next up they visit Kate’s Mom Marilyn (Mary Steenburgen) who has found a new life with rock-and-roll preacher Pastor Phil (Dwight Yoakum--NOT ageing well) and Kate’s “perefect” older sister Courtney (Kristen Chenowith in a spot-on performance). More unfunny business happens at home and later at Church when Brad and Kate are drafted into playing Mary and Joseph for the Christmas Service (where we get to see what a self-centered jerk Brad really is). Then we’re off to see Brad’s Mom hippie-chick Mom Paula (Sissy Spacek, completely wasted here). She’s shacking up with Brad’s former best friend Darryl. Finally things come completely apart just as the hapless pair arrive at Kate’s Dad Creighton’s place--before everything gets tied up in a pretty package by movie’s end. John Voight does a nice job as the guy who Explains It All.
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There are some good jokes along the way (but a lot of the movie just makes you want to cringe (and, as I said earlier, NOT in a good way.) Brad’s a jerk, as hypersensitive and controlling as he is self-centered and Kate is a cold fish who is just as manipulative and controlling as Brad in her own way. Nobody except the two Dad’s are remotely self-aware or are particularly likeable. The language is pretty rough and there is some violence and gross humor but no nudity. We only paid $6.50 for our tickets which is why I’m probably giving it a “C” instead of a “D-”. There’s nothing really WRONG with the movie--but there’s not a lot right with it either.
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FINAL GRADE: C-
Today’s post begins with a fractal called Give Thanks. What better image could I pick for a post involving Thanksgiving--however indirectly? Now--on with today’s rant!
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The good folks over at Holytaco.com (love that name!) have just released their list of the 7 Most Annoying People At Thanksgiving Dinner. Check out their commentary using this link if you’ve a mind: I like the conversation snippets. http://www.holytaco.com/7-most-annoying-people-thanksgiving . I don’t know how they came up with the list but I feel I have to comment. Enjoy--unless you’ve made other plans.
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7) THE RELIGIOUS RELATIVE
You would think that as a self-professed Christian I’d have more tolerance for this sort of guest but you’d be very wrong! It’s fine if everyone at the table is on the same philosophical page but someone with extreme beliefs can really ruin the meal. The only thing worse is being the only moderate in a room full of zealots (I replaced the word “crazies”) which has happened to me more than once. When confronted with a Religious Relative make sure they hook up with someone of similar taste so they can bond or find someone with completely opposite views and watch the fireworks. (Any social boo-boos you make will then likely be lost in the shuffle.)
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6) THE PERSON WITH THE SECRET EVERYONE ALREADY KNOWS
Yep--so true. And probably the less said about that the better! Family secrets, no matter how many people know them, are best left secret. If they should come out--make sure you aren’t the one telling.
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5) THE FANTASY FOOTBALL GUY
I’m not a “sports” person (surprise!) so any of this sort of talk tends to make my eyes glaze over. We have a couple of fantasy footballers in my family (they know who they are and most of them don’t read my blog but their mothers’ do) but they don’t often go off into their particular fantasy world. Still, I know gamers who don’t know when to stop talking about their particular hobby and that’s annoying too.
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4) THE NEW BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND THAT WON'T LAST
We’ve dealt with this a few times in our family dinners and it can be a bit awkward. Tell you what’s the absolute worst thought: thinking you know, I really liked the last one s/he brought. Wonder why they broke up? Saying it’s even worse. Endure them and hope for the best. Enjoy them whiel they're with you: the new boy/girlfriend might make amusing conversation fodder later.
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3) THE OVERLY POLITICAL RELATIVE
Hmm--I’m sensing a pattern here: fanatics of any sort, be they religious, hobbyists or political are to be discouraged. Sadly, unlike friends you can’t tell family they’re idiots for holding a particular belief. At least you shouldn’t. I did--once--and, well… Let’s not go back there. Like any other fanatic. Avoid them if you can, find them a soul mate or their antithesis then sit back and watch the fun.
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2) THE SUPER OLD GRANDPARENT
I was right with the Holy Taco guys--at least ‘til they got here. Yes, super-old relative can be difficult or time consuming but, believe me, having them at Thanksgiving Dinner is better than seeing them in a “Board and Care Facility” or not having them around--especially the first holiday they aren‘t there. Trust me on this one. Enjoy them while you can because they won’t be here that much longer and once they’re gone there’s no more chance to make memories.
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1) THE RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC
Honestly, I’m of two minds about this one. A lot of my earliest holiday memories are marred because of people drinking too much and starting trouble. Sobriety is a good thing. Still, those who wear their sobriety like some badge of honor and insist on judging others because they choose to take a drink just gets my goat--and I hardly ever drink. Appreciate the recovering alcoholic and toast their accomplishment with the drink of your choice.
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The list is interesting but I think they missed a few candidates for “most annoying people at Thanksgiving Dinner.” Allow me to submit the following additional suggestions. (I think you’ll find them just as annoying if not more than the previous seven.)
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BERT/BERTHAN BETTER-THAN-YOU
No matter what you accomplish they’ve outdone you. Their house is bigger, car is newer and they have better toys than you do. Their kids are smarter, better looking and more athletically-inclined than yours. Their job is better and their friends are more interesting. The only thing that’s lower than you is their golf score. If their friends of yours you can drop them but if you’re related you’re bound to have to see them once in a while. The solution--next year let THEM host the Thanksgiving Dinner (and when they serve dinner five hours late you can laugh behind your hand.)
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THE JUDGE
The Judge sets themselves up as judge, jury and executioner no matter what the situation may be--whether their opinion is requested or not. OK, sorry confession time: this is me more often than I’d like to admit. (But then I‘m not the only Judge.) Dealing with the Judge is never easy: all you can do is slog through until you get a chance to judge the Judge!
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THE ADVISOR
Dear Abby, Dr. Phil, Deepak Chopra and Doctor Laura all rolled into one ball of walking annoyance. Whether you need it or want it they’re their with advice on how you should be living your life. Avoid them if you can and know that their heart is in the right place if you can’t--but refrain from beaning them with a dinner roll. It just makes things worst.
- THE HYPERACTIVE CHILDBane of the child-free, this little "darling" is a non-stop pinball bouncing hither and you and never lighting in one place. The faulty volume control is only enhanced by random hypersonic shrieks capable of shattering crystal and unprepared eardrums. Parents and grandparents of the hyperactive child have had time to prepare the unwary guest can only cringe (since getting to the seat of the problem isn't an opiton here--however much one might wish to paddle the little dear.) Booze and pills (for either the guest or the child) are the preferred solution to this problem.-
THE FASHIONISTA
Almost every family has one: the stick-thin female who is always clad from head to toe in T.H.E. latest designer duds--and managing to look good no matter how outrageous the style. Worse, she’s likely to tell you in no uncertain terms what’s wrong with your clothes and how to improve your wardrobe. When confronted with the Fashionista all you have to do is blow really hard and the wind will sweep the twig away so you won’t have to deal with them any longer.
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The list could go on and on: the Athlete, the Name Dropper (I’ve been guilty of this one) the Chronic Complainer, the Hypochondriac, the first-time Grandma... But know this, how ever many people you can slot into one of these categories--YOU are on somebody’s list somewhere. Accept your family faults and all and hope that others return the favor. They’re the only family you’ve got and you can’t trade ’em in--no matter how much you might want to sometimes. In the end it will be better for everybody.
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Happy Thanksgiving.
Last post I talked about my ten FAVORITE toys and games so I decided to take another stroll down Memory Lane: this time I’m going to talk about toys everyone HAD to have--only to find out that they sucked completely and utterly. I picked Spinz 10 as today’s fractal because these lemons all laid an egg--for me at least. Enjoy--unless you’ve made other plans.
tered chrome.) Our server didn’t introduce himself (but they never would in the Coffee Shops of old) but he was quick to take our order, answer questions about the menu and the restaurant. He even made menu suggestions. I found him a bit “touch-y” for myself (but then again, I’m not a touchy-feely sort of person) but he wasn’t improper in any way. (I just don’t like being touched by strangers.)
