The Baron's Top 10 Most Annoying Christmas Songs

Today’s post begins with a fractal called Tis The Season. (Unless you’ve been living under a rock you know which one!) ’Tis the season for Christmas music and all things holiday so ’tis the season for holiday commentary. It wouldn’t be Christmas without the Baron finding something to gripe about. So here goes today’s rant.
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Among the list of this year’s holiday specials is one featuring the 12 Most Beloved Holiday Songs (bowing later this month on NBC: check your local listings if you’re interested). Needless to say, the snaky nature of this blog demands that I supply my list of my ten most annoying Christmas songs. So, without further ado, here is the list.
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10) SILENT NIGHT
Performed by trained singers this is one of the most beautiful Christmas songs you’ll want to hear: too bad that happens so rarely. Performed badly the song is truly cringe worthy. Out-of-tune Children’s Choirs, hooty sopranos and large groups of adults who simply lack the vocal ability to make the octave jump in the next-to-last line.
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09) MY FAVORITE THINGS
I actually kind of like this song but I have a major beef with it. My Favorite Things is NOT a Christmas song!!! (It's from The Sound Of Music--and the scene has nothing do do with a holiday.) Christmas is never mentioned and about the only thing that is remotely “Christmas-y” is the mention of “sleigh bells” Sleigh rides is (or was) a not-uncommon activity all winter where it snows. Other tunes like Baby It’s Cold Outside, Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow and Winter Wonderland have also gotten sucked into the Christmas Carol Cannon as well. Even Jingle Bells (written as a Thanksgiving song) has met the same fate. Guess we aren’t interested in celebrating winter for winter’s sake any longer.
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08) ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS MY TWO FRONT TEETH
There is an arc with every novelty song ever released. First it’s “oh how clever” but sooner or later (usually sooner) it becomes “heard it!” and it is only a matter of time before it becomes “why are they playing that damn song again!” All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth has been around longer than I have and it was played out long ago. Worse yet, the Spike Jones original has been covered by way too many artists--none of which are as good as the first version.
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07) THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
This history of this song is quite interesting: Catholics in Puritan England were prevented from practicing their religion (on pain of imprisonment and even death) so someone came up with the idea of reminding them of their faith. Check out this link if you want the whole history: http://www.appleseeds.org/12_days-christmas.htm . Still, with the content taken out the song simply becomes long and boring to sing (along the lines of 99 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall). Worse, the song is ripe for updating--most often in a bad way.
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06) HERE COMES SANTA CLAUSE
I believe in and celebrate the sacred aspects of Christmas (the birth of Christ in case you’ve forgotten) but I also enjoy the secular aspects (Santa Clause, presents and all that.) I’m not a big fan of attempts to mix faith and fun like this son does. To wit: “Santa knows that we’re God’s children. That’s makes everything right”. Say what? If that was the case there would be no need to be good, would there? Also I’m bummed out by the line “he doesn’t care if you’re rich or poor--he loves you just the same.” (He may love y’all equally but the rich kids get more toys.) It’s not nice to lie to little children--especially the poor ones.
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05) ROCKIN’ AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE
Why this bothers me so much I don’t know--but it really does. I’d like to blame Brenda Lee but I don’t like the song any better when another artist covers the song. My niece Tami Chick does a pretty dead-on imitation of Brenda Lee but I still don't like the song.
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04) JOLLY OLD SAINT NICHOLAS
The third verse catapults this song into the “annoying” top ten. (If you doubt, read on.) Johnny wants a pair of skates, Susy wants a dolly; /Nellie wants a story book; She thinks dolls are folly;/As for me, my little brain isn’t very bright;/Choose for me, old Santa Claus. What you think is right. Maybe it was cute a century ago but now it just comes off as smarmy and self-serving. Puh-lease! It’s time to stop.
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03) THE CHIPMUNKS’ CHRISTMAS SONG
It’s Alvin and the Chipmunks! Do I really need to say anything else? Even as a child I never liked that particular trio (although I liked the song‘s sentiment when I was little). About the only good thing about this song is that it has never been covered by any other artist. This is one of those songs that always makes me switch stations every time I hear it come on.
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02) GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER
You can’t fault California Veterinarian Elmo Shropshire and his wife Patsy for parlaying a novelty record into a multimillion dollar success (even if it did take over ten years to get the record out!) Still, this newest of the novelty Christmas songs is hugely popular (even though I change the station every time it comes on the radio.) Sadly, Elmo and Patsy didn’t survive their success. Elmo and Patsy divorced in 1995--which somehow seems strangely fitting but they are still laughing all the way to the bank every Christmas season.
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01) CHRISTMAS SHOES
There aren’t enough words to say how much I utterly loathe this Christmas song! Yes, I understand the story about someone regaining the Christmas Spirit (as old as Charles Dickens’ famous novel) but this is just so blatantly emotionally manipulative and so unabashedly schmaltzy that it makes me want to scream! Worse, I often find myself getting a little misty and choked up every time I hear it! I hate that. Surely there’s a better way of getting the point across.
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There are quite a number of “honorable mentions” that didn’t quite make the list but are definitely in the top twenty. Jingle Bell Rock (no matter who records it). All I Want For Christmas Is You (the Vince Vance and the Valiants and Mariah Carey versions are equally annoying), Please Come Home For Christmas (first recorded by the Eagles), Angels We Have Heard On High (because non-trained singers have so much trouble with the chorus), In The Bleak Midwinter (because it‘s well--bleak) and even Jingle Bells and Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer (because that‘s how I roll).
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We all have or “love its” or “hate its” this Holiday Season--but wherever you are have a happy one.