"Four Christmases" One Big Mess

I chose Christmas Surprise as the image for today’s post for several reasons. I’m reviewing a “Christmas” movie (so something with “Christmas” in the title was needed and several nasty surprises play parts in the movie so the image fits on both counts. Also--I just liked it enough to use it here--so there! Now on with the review…
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Around this time every year some major movie studio puts out a feel good, family movie for the season. Four Christmases ain’t it for this year: the movie tries but falls flat. Worse, it lacks subversive charm (like Bad Santa) so you can’t even feel good about feeling bad. Probably the movie’s biggest sin is that it leaves patrons saying “well that’s two hours of my life I’ll never get back.” It’s not a BAD movie--really it isn’t--but honestly, Four Christmases is just so un-good!
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Brad (Vince Vaughn in full self-parody mode) and Kate (Reese Witherspoon cute as always but with a full Charmectomy) are two happy San Francisco singles who have been together for three years. Every Christmas season they gleefully avoid their families and fly off to a wonderful, exotic vacation but we know there’s going to be trouble (even if we haven’t seen the previews) even before they get to the airport. (Kate is complaining “I think we’ve done this vacation before.”) When their flight is cancelled (and Brad and Kate get splashed all over the news) they end up having to visit all four parents (divorced and involved with other people) in one day.
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First up is Brad’s white-trash Dad Howard (Robert Duvall, phoning in his grumpy-bear performance) and low-rent “Ultimate Fighting” brothers Denver and Dallas (Jon Favreau, looking like a steroid stallion and country music star Tim McGraw who barely makes an impression). This scene has a few funny bits but it’s mostly cringe-inducing (and not in a good way.) Next up they visit Kate’s Mom Marilyn (Mary Steenburgen) who has found a new life with rock-and-roll preacher Pastor Phil (Dwight Yoakum--NOT ageing well) and Kate’s “perefect” older sister Courtney (Kristen Chenowith in a spot-on performance). More unfunny business happens at home and later at Church when Brad and Kate are drafted into playing Mary and Joseph for the Christmas Service (where we get to see what a self-centered jerk Brad really is). Then we’re off to see Brad’s Mom hippie-chick Mom Paula (Sissy Spacek, completely wasted here). She’s shacking up with Brad’s former best friend Darryl. Finally things come completely apart just as the hapless pair arrive at Kate’s Dad Creighton’s place--before everything gets tied up in a pretty package by movie’s end. John Voight does a nice job as the guy who Explains It All.
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There are some good jokes along the way (but a lot of the movie just makes you want to cringe (and, as I said earlier, NOT in a good way.) Brad’s a jerk, as hypersensitive and controlling as he is self-centered and Kate is a cold fish who is just as manipulative and controlling as Brad in her own way. Nobody except the two Dad’s are remotely self-aware or are particularly likeable. The language is pretty rough and there is some violence and gross humor but no nudity. We only paid $6.50 for our tickets which is why I’m probably giving it a “C” instead of a “D-”. There’s nothing really WRONG with the movie--but there’s not a lot right with it either.
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FINAL GRADE: C-

The Most Annoying People At Thanksgiving Dinner

Today’s post begins with a fractal called Give Thanks. What better image could I pick for a post involving Thanksgiving--however indirectly? Now--on with today’s rant!
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The good folks over at Holytaco.com (love that name!) have just released their list of the 7 Most Annoying People At Thanksgiving Dinner. Check out their commentary using this link if you’ve a mind: I like the conversation snippets. http://www.holytaco.com/7-most-annoying-people-thanksgiving . I don’t know how they came up with the list but I feel I have to comment. Enjoy--unless you’ve made other plans.
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7) THE RELIGIOUS RELATIVE
You would think that as a self-professed Christian I’d have more tolerance for this sort of guest but you’d be very wrong! It’s fine if everyone at the table is on the same philosophical page but someone with extreme beliefs can really ruin the meal. The only thing worse is being the only moderate in a room full of zealots (I replaced the word “crazies”) which has happened to me more than once. When confronted with a Religious Relative make sure they hook up with someone of similar taste so they can bond or find someone with completely opposite views and watch the fireworks. (Any social boo-boos you make will then likely be lost in the shuffle.)
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6) THE PERSON WITH THE SECRET EVERYONE ALREADY KNOWS
Yep--so true. And probably the less said about that the better! Family secrets, no matter how many people know them, are best left secret. If they should come out--make sure you aren’t the one telling.
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5) THE FANTASY FOOTBALL GUY
I’m not a “sports” person (surprise!) so any of this sort of talk tends to make my eyes glaze over. We have a couple of fantasy footballers in my family (they know who they are and most of them don’t read my blog but their mothers’ do) but they don’t often go off into their particular fantasy world. Still, I know gamers who don’t know when to stop talking about their particular hobby and that’s annoying too.
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4) THE NEW BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND THAT WON'T LAST
We’ve dealt with this a few times in our family dinners and it can be a bit awkward. Tell you what’s the absolute worst thought: thinking you know, I really liked the last one s/he brought. Wonder why they broke up? Saying it’s even worse. Endure them and hope for the best. Enjoy them whiel they're with you: the new boy/girlfriend might make amusing conversation fodder later.
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3) THE OVERLY POLITICAL RELATIVE
Hmm--I’m sensing a pattern here: fanatics of any sort, be they religious, hobbyists or political are to be discouraged. Sadly, unlike friends you can’t tell family they’re idiots for holding a particular belief. At least you shouldn’t. I did--once--and, well… Let’s not go back there. Like any other fanatic. Avoid them if you can, find them a soul mate or their antithesis then sit back and watch the fun.
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2) THE SUPER OLD GRANDPARENT
I was right with the Holy Taco guys--at least ‘til they got here. Yes, super-old relative can be difficult or time consuming but, believe me, having them at Thanksgiving Dinner is better than seeing them in a “Board and Care Facility” or not having them around--especially the first holiday they aren‘t there. Trust me on this one. Enjoy them while you can because they won’t be here that much longer and once they’re gone there’s no more chance to make memories.
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1) THE RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC
Honestly, I’m of two minds about this one. A lot of my earliest holiday memories are marred because of people drinking too much and starting trouble. Sobriety is a good thing. Still, those who wear their sobriety like some badge of honor and insist on judging others because they choose to take a drink just gets my goat--and I hardly ever drink. Appreciate the recovering alcoholic and toast their accomplishment with the drink of your choice.
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The list is interesting but I think they missed a few candidates for “most annoying people at Thanksgiving Dinner.” Allow me to submit the following additional suggestions. (I think you’ll find them just as annoying if not more than the previous seven.)
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BERT/BERTHAN BETTER-THAN-YOU
No matter what you accomplish they’ve outdone you. Their house is bigger, car is newer and they have better toys than you do. Their kids are smarter, better looking and more athletically-inclined than yours. Their job is better and their friends are more interesting. The only thing that’s lower than you is their golf score. If their friends of yours you can drop them but if you’re related you’re bound to have to see them once in a while. The solution--next year let THEM host the Thanksgiving Dinner (and when they serve dinner five hours late you can laugh behind your hand.)
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THE JUDGE
The Judge sets themselves up as judge, jury and executioner no matter what the situation may be--whether their opinion is requested or not. OK, sorry confession time: this is me more often than I’d like to admit. (But then I‘m not the only Judge.) Dealing with the Judge is never easy: all you can do is slog through until you get a chance to judge the Judge!
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THE ADVISOR
Dear Abby, Dr. Phil, Deepak Chopra and Doctor Laura all rolled into one ball of walking annoyance. Whether you need it or want it they’re their with advice on how you should be living your life. Avoid them if you can and know that their heart is in the right place if you can’t--but refrain from beaning them with a dinner roll. It just makes things worst.
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THE HYPERACTIVE CHILD
Bane of the child-free, this little "darling" is a non-stop pinball bouncing hither and you and never lighting in one place. The faulty volume control is only enhanced by random hypersonic shrieks capable of shattering crystal and unprepared eardrums. Parents and grandparents of the hyperactive child have had time to prepare the unwary guest can only cringe (since getting to the seat of the problem isn't an opiton here--however much one might wish to paddle the little dear.) Booze and pills (for either the guest or the child) are the preferred solution to this problem.
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THE FASHIONISTA
Almost every family has one: the stick-thin female who is always clad from head to toe in T.H.E. latest designer duds--and managing to look good no matter how outrageous the style. Worse, she’s likely to tell you in no uncertain terms what’s wrong with your clothes and how to improve your wardrobe. When confronted with the Fashionista all you have to do is blow really hard and the wind will sweep the twig away so you won’t have to deal with them any longer.
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The list could go on and on: the Athlete, the Name Dropper (I’ve been guilty of this one) the Chronic Complainer, the Hypochondriac, the first-time Grandma... But know this, how ever many people you can slot into one of these categories--YOU are on somebody’s list somewhere. Accept your family faults and all and hope that others return the favor. They’re the only family you’ve got and you can’t trade ’em in--no matter how much you might want to sometimes. In the end it will be better for everybody.
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Happy Thanksgiving.

"True Blood" Has Real Bite

There are times I really miss my Mind Boggling Fractals program: I don’t have any "blood"-related fractal images (other than one I’ve already used) and I dearly wish I could have created something new. Since that is no longer an option I’m forced to use Bloodrose a second time. I think it’s pretty obvious why I chose that image.
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Maybe you can blame Anne Rice and her breakout novel Interview With The Vampire (followed by several sequels) or maybe it’s just one of those weird cyclical things: whatever the reason the past few years have seen a whole raft of fiction series chronicling human/vampire interactions. You have sweet romances like Twilight by Stephanie Miller (which I reviewed on November 24), The Nymphos of Rocky Flats and it’s sequels by Mario Acevedo (featuring Vampire P.I. Felix Gomez) to the sexed-up romps of Betsy the Vampire Queen by Mary Janice Davidson. Possibly the most successful series in the genre are the Sookie Stackhouse novels by Arkansas author Charlaine Harris.
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As I said in the Twilight review, I’m not a big fan of “vampire fiction” (I AM the wrong age and gender after all) but I do love psis (do any of you remember my love letter to Zena Henderson when I first started my blog?) and I was further intrigued to see the books were set in a region of Northwest Louisiana which is home to my Mother’s people. I got a good deal from the Science Fiction Book Club so I bought the first four books and hoped for the best.
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What I found was a well-written novel with heat and humor populated by interesting (dare I say realistic?) characters and a cool mystery with some sexy elements. In this series vampires have “come out of the coffin” and revealed themselves to the world thanks to the invention of a blood substitute that allows vamps to survive without feeding on humans. In all honesty I was more interested in the world than the relationship between Sookie and “Vampire Bill.” but the first book interested me enough to want to read the rest of the series. I’ve read all the books and, in spite of a few problems, I’ve been interested enough to keep following the series--even to television.
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I always worry when a book I like makes the transition to the screen: will the vision of the creators come anywhere close to mine? Will the actors do justice to their characters? Will they feel the need to change the thing so much that I can’t recognize the source material? I knew some changes would have to be made (the Sookie Stackhouse novels are written in the first person--hard to do on screen for example) but I had hopes for the show.
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Executive Producer Alan Ball brought the show to HBO--a company known for taking risks. The company isn’t afraid to spend money to put a good series on the air and it shows with True Blood. Everything in the series “rings true” from the setting to the character accents to all the additional material available on line. (You don’t have to be a fan of the books to get into the series and most fans of the books seem to enjoy the series for its own merits.) True Blood is loaded with profanity, nudity, graphic sex and violence which will turn off some viewers but others won’t mind.
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Anna Paquin has the right look and accent as Sookie the telepathic waitress: she brings a certain tough vulnerability to her role. Sadly, her telepathic powers seem to fail her at the most inconvenient times (but that happens in any show with telepaths.) Brit Stephen Moyer has the right look for Vampire Bill but his characterization often verges on a bad “Elvis” impersonation (to my mind at least). Sam Trammell (a New Orleans native) does fine as shape-shifter and bar owner Sam Merlotte. Aussie Ryan Kwanten has the thankless job of playing Sookie’s brother Jason. (He’s not the nicest person in the world and he isn’t the brightest bulb on the string and ends up naked or nearly-so in every episode.) Michael Raymond-James is spot-on as Rene. (He obviously spent a lot of time listening to Cajun Dialect For Actors.) Chris Bauer has another thankless role as Detective Andy Bellfleur who can’t solve a crime if the perp is handed to him on a platter. William Sanderson (“I‘m Larry, this is my brother Darryl and my other brother Darryl“) plays Sherriff Bud Dearborn (who gets a more sympathetic depiction on screen than he did in the books.)
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The character that gets the biggest page to screen makeover is Tara Thornton (played by Rutina Wesley), She goes from a white shop owner to a totally ghetto black bartender loaded down with issues. I found this change from book-to-screen the most startling but it works in this context. Her story arc is one of the most interesting through the season (and it ain’t nearly over yet.)
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For me, the biggest disappointment in the show was the casting of Alexander Skarsgård as Viking vampire Eric Northman. He has the height and coloration but lacks the charisma and projects about as much menace as a salmon smorgasbord. Of course, the actor wasn’t given that much to do in the first season: Eric plays a larger part in the second book so I guess I’ll have to wait to see how well he does in the second season (but I’m not holding out a lot of hope. Dutch actor Rutger Hauer could have played the part quite well--but he's gotten too old now.
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I also find I really miss "Bubba" the vampire but I know why the Producers chose not to include him in the series. (Read the books or e-Mail me privately if you want to know why.)
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True Blood is decidedly adult so those with “delicate” sensibilities should probably avoid the show. Still, it’s a good show for those with an eye for quality television with an edge and of course horror and vampire fans will eat it up.

Sometimes I Think It Would Be Fun To Have Problems Like This.PART DEUX

I don’t have that many fractals dealing with diamonds or jewels so for this update I chose CrossDiamond because the post involves diamonds and everyone involved are no doubt cross (at the very least). That being said, on with the corrections!
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I wasn’t able to find any information on the Saks Fifth Avenue Jewelry Store case (not that I tried all that hard) but my sister Andrea Keskey in Oceanside found the story and sent me a link. Check it out here if you’re interested in seeing the original story: http://blog.oregonlive.com/complaintdesk/2008/11/should_saks_fifth_avenue_sue_o.html . I made some mistakes in most post of November 22 so, in the interest of “journalistic integrity” I humbly submit these corrections for your listening and dancing pleasure.
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The incident happened in a downtown Portland Oregon Saks Fifth Avenue store NOT Orange County as I had reported. The total was $76,000 not 78.000. The customer’s name is Emily Pickering and the Saks General Manager who made the calls seeking to correct the mistake is Bill Halleran. (The two Sales Clerks who made the mistake were not named in the article.)
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Laura Gunderson, a Reporter for The Oregonian solicited comments from several people that I found interesting (so I’ll include them here.
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Portland Lawyer Perry Heitman believes (as I do) the “fault” lies with Saks Fifth Avenue. The store is responsible for setting the prices and making sure they are correct.
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Boutique owner Paul Schneider (of art and jewelry boutique Twist) agrees. (Quoting from the article) “When a customer is quoted a price, pays and the retailer accepts the payment, a binding agreement has been reached. Schneider and other retailers questioned whether it's worth the cost to sue a customer, considering a company's public relations and the fact that retailers earn a mark-up on jewelry and have already factored in a certain amount of losses to their budget each year. Saks should be more concerned that their sales clerks aren't better trained on the value and pricing of the pieces they're selling” To which I say--testify brother! (If/when I ever get back to Portland I hope I‘ll be able to pay a visit to the store: Mr. Schneider sounds like a reasonable and intelligent businessman.)
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Most consumers and those commenting on the case agreed that, legal or not, the customer was ethically obligated to return or pay for the brooch (which also agreed with my position). Still, I have to wonder how they’d react if a windfall of this magnitude fell into their laps (but that’s just the cynic in me).
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So, there you have the corrected/updated version of the story.

"Twilight" Time Not For Everyone

It’s a beautiful thing when a fractal image and a post mesh so perfectly. Today is one of those cases because this review is going to cause a huge storm with Twilight fans. (If you haven’t guessed the image is called Twilight Storm).
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As I grow older it seems I get farther and farther away from what’s “hip” and “happening”. I had no idea that Twilight even existed much less was a literary phenomenon on par with the “Harry Potter” novels until last Labor Day Weekend when my sister-in-law Wendy Pyle clued me in. Of course, by then the author was on book Number Four (with many more to come I‘m sure) so I’m not about to get on the bandwagon at this late date.
The movie made from the first book debuted on November 21 (and made seven million dollars at the midnight show alone). Robyn and I saw it in a ¾ full theater Sunday afternoon and we helped the movie rake in over 78 million dollars.
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Here’s my review…
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You don’t have to read the book to know what’s happening in Twilight. In fact, a viewer who is remotely aware can pretty much figure out what will happen from the first snippet of dialog so I won’t bore you with much of a plot summary. In short, new outsider (girl) meets bad boy (vampire) falls, in love and gets in trouble with badder boys (also vampires). It stars a bunch of actors I’d never heard of (with the exception of Peter Facinelli--mainly because he’s married to Jenny Garth (who was on Dancing With The Stars a few seasons ago).
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I could have gotten past a familiar (dare I say derivative?) plot if I’d liked the characters better. Lead actress Kristen Stewart plays Bella as just this side of clinically depressed. Pretty boy Robert Pattinson (who‘s biggest role was Cedric Diggory in the fourth “Harry Potter“ movie) is all over the emotional map as Edward Cullen a “vegetarian” vampire. (He also wears more makeup than the female lead and just about everyone in the cast) At least the “normal” kids as Bella’s high school are portrayed in a realistic manner (although I find myself wondering why everyone was so interested in a girl who hardly seems interested in them). The rest of Edward’s “family” are barely drawn and the bad guys get even less back-story. (Here’s where reading the book probably would have helped me.) The movie is shot through a blue filter and a lot of time the action moves with glacial slowness and everyoe seems to be generally "down". The few action sequences sprinkled through the movie don’t have much better special effects than you’d find on a good television show.
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Still, fairness requires me to be completely honest. Obviously, I’m not the desired demographic for Twilight so it would have been a real surprise if I’d enjoyed it. Robyn liked the movie better than I did (but she had some problems with
Twilight as well.) Still, there were a lot of black-clad teen and tween girls (and Moms of said girls) who all seemed to really enjoy the movie. (There was even a round of applause in the theater while the credits rolled) Whether you like it or not Twilight has become part of the cultural landscape so you’d better be prepared for more movies and other books/shows/movies with a similar theme. (Tomorrow I‘ll be reviewing Season One of True Blood which is an example of what I was just talking about.)
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FINAL GRADE (for Fans) A
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FINAL GRADE (for non-Fans) C+

Sometimes I Think It Would Be Fun To Have Problems Like This..

An Explosion Of Jewels is the featured fractal of today’s post: read on and you’ll see why it is so singularly appropriate…
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I heard something in passing on the KTLA Morning News yesterday (November 21) that I found interesting enough to ponder and write about. I got only the most basic facts and wasn’t able to find any more info on line but the story goes something like this: an Orange County woman went to Saks Fifth Avenue and purchased a diamond brooch and earrings for $28,000. The two clerks on duty sold her the items as a set. She paid for everything and went away happy. Some time later though, the store manager called her and told her the two items were not a set (and were thus valued at $78,000). He told the woman she would have to return the items or she could buy them at a discount. The woman refused both solutions so now she is being sued by the store.
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Maybe I’m wrong here but I think this one should be a no-brainer for everyone involved. (Of course, I may not have all the facts to I can’t be absolutely certain--and God knows I’m no lawyer.) Assuming the customer bought the items in good faith then it’s not her fault if the clerks made a mistake. Furthermore I’m pretty sure that if the Sak’s’ jewelry department had sold a $28,000 item for $78,000 they wouldn’t be bending over backward to refund the overage. I’m pretty sure the store has a HUGE markup of jewelry (like most luxury goods) so they’re still making a profit at the severely discounted rate.
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Returning the jewelry or paying the discounted price would certainly be the ethical thing to do but I don’t see where the store would have any legal right to sue the customer. Saks Fifth Avenue needs to buck up and take it in the shorts (like every other business who makes a mistake) and fire the clerks or train their employees better. I’m pretty sure the store is going to lose this case: not only will they lose their profit, they’ll end up paying the court costs and losing a good customer. Not to mention the bad publicity. I don’t see how the “Legal Eagles” at Saks think this is a good idea. (Maybe they thought the customer would cave at the threat of a suit but they were wrong.)
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I’d like to think that I’d be ethical enough to return or pay up if I was confronted by a situation like this(but, in all honesty, I probably wouldn’t: I’d probably fight back just like the customer. I’m cheap and I have larceny in my heart--even if I‘d never seek to cheat someone.) Whatever happens, this isn’t going to be a good thing for anyone involved--but it would sure be fun to have problems like this for--for a while at least.
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Think about it.

Adventures In Debt Collection (That I Don't Owe)

Today’s post features a fractal I call Going Nova. I chose it because that’s what I felt like doing: read on and you’ll see why…
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What’s more annoying than having to deal with debt collectors who constantly harass you over the phone? Having to deal with said debt collectors when you don’t owe them any money! Read on and I’ll tell you my tale of woe…
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The trouble started a couple of months ago: it was a random weekday much like any other when the phone rang and a recorded message began to play. We had a rather long, chatty message on our answering machine at the time--so the recorded message played right over that--and failed to record anything. The happened several more times and I eventually started trying to get to the phone to pick up enough of the message to find out what was going on. All I got was “this is an important matter. Please call 800-###-#### as soon as possible.” So--when they called back later in the day I actually managed to get to the phone before they hung up.
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The nice mechanical voice asked me to input the last four digits of my Social Security Number: to this day I’m not sure why I did but I did. (I’d have felt a lot less sanguine about input ALL NINE digits.) Of course my digits didn’t match their records so I had to “wait for an agent.” I did--and was subjected to fifteen minutes of annoyingly chirpy “hold” music--only to be told that nobody was available to take my call and please call back later. I did. THIRTY SECONDS LATER. That’s when I found out I was dealing with the Bank America Mortgage Department. I kept hitting “zeroes” and after a while the mechanical gate guardian decided to connect me with someone living and breathing.
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I spoke to a nice lady in the Midwest named Chelsea. She told me that nobody was able to assist me but she’d be happy to take my number and someone would get back to me in 24-48 hours. “But--I don’t have a loan with you?” I told her. “At least I don’t think so..” She asked me for my street address--which I gave--and she told me that didn’t match anything in their records. Chelsea suggested that someone in my household might have a delinquent account with a different part of the company. (She said it wasn’t likely but I should check.)
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As it happens, Robyn does have an account with a related institute but she is up to date. So when I got yet another call from them last week I was confident that they had the wrong number. Still, I missed part of the message that gave me an option to opt out or complain to someone. So--I pounded random numbers and waited until a live person picked up.
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Oddly enough, it was “Chelsea” again--with the same song and dance about there being nobody to help me but give her my number and…” At this point I told the dear lady “I’m 100% certain nobody in this household has business with you! How do I stop these calls?” Chelsea was clearly flummoxed by this question but she dutifully put me on hold while she tried to find someone to help me out. It took her a while (it seemed like forever) but she eventually came back on the line and said I should simply follow the prompts the next time they called. (Why she or someone couldn’t simply take me off the list was something I couldn’t find out.)
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Earlier today BofA called back and I dutifully followed the prompts: it gave me a number of choices which ended with something like “if this is not you press Four!” Needless to say I pressed four…
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This time I didn’t have to wait more than a few seconds to be connected to a nice man named Rich. Our conversation went something like this..
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HE: “Thank you for calling Bank of America Mortage Lending--how may I help you?”
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ME: “I didn’t call you--you called me and I’m frankly annoyed!”
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HE: “And why is that?” Rich sounded frankly skeptical. I told him my name and that I didn’t have an account with BofA. He took a few pieces of information and was finally able to confirm that indeed I did NOT have an account. Rich apologized profusely and promised to take my number off their system. Hopefully this will put an end to my adventures in debt collection but I have no guarantee.
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What really bothers me about the whole thing is the complete impersonality of the process: dealing with a machine is difficult enough (if the machine waits until the *BEEP* to start talking) but being called out of the blue and then forced to WAIT while they decide whether or not they can spare a live person to speak with you seems frankly rude. Honestly, I get that the loan companies not only have a RIGHT but a NEED to collect their debt: still, I think there needs to be a way to opt out of these calls when the debt isn’t yours that doesn’t involved multiple phone calls and hours of waiting listening to elevator music.
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Ah well--it could have been worse. I could have had my identity stolen and been in real trouble. I should probably count my blessings that it wasn't any worse…

I Forgot To Post This.Back In October..

I wrote this post in early October but somehow I forgot to post it until I noticed that TV shows were starting to be canceled. Then I started writing the follow-up post when I found out that I’d oopsed and failed to put up the original. Ah well--since I took the time to write the thing I decided to post it--even if it IS late.
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Today’s post begins with an image called Crystal 6. The “six” has nothing to do with anything but since I will be gazing into my “Crystal Ball” to make my predictions we’ll just have to wait to see how well everything turns out.
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So here we have as complete as list of TV shows that I could find. I’ll tell you a bit about all of them then make a prediction. Come back in late May 2009 to see how well I did.
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90210 (CW): Beverly Hills 90210 gets sexed-up for the new millennium. PREDICTION: dunno why network execs felt the need to pull this show out but it’s doing gangbusters. If it survives Dancing With The Stars the show may well end up saving the CW’s butt and keep the weblet alive.
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AMERICA’S TOUGHEST JOBS (NBC): a reality show where contestants do tough jobs. (The title really explains it all.) PREDICTION: America won’t care any more than I do so this turkey won’t see Season Two.
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CRUSOE (NBC): the classic becomes a weekly television series. PREDICTION: looks good, has a lot of money behind it and tons of international participation but I just don’t see the show catching on. It will go off the schedule before Robinson Crusoe gets rescued.
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DO NOT DISTURB (FOX): sitcom about the staff of a hip NYC hotel--compete with all the racial and sexual stereotypes in place for our amusement. PREDICTION: Do Not Disturb won’t disturb viewers for a second season.
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EASY MONEY (CW) : what were the CW Execs smoking when they “green-lighted” a drama about a family running a high-interest loan business? Yep--that’s “must see TV” NOT!!! PREDICTION: the show is already confined to the wasteland that is Sunday on the CW. Nobody will see this show and it’ll go away--eventually.
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ELEVENTH HOUR (CBS): Fringe for the CSI crowd. PREDICTION: all the expense but none of the sexiness of Fringe. Eleventh Hour clocks out by the eleventh episode.
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FRINGE (FOX): high concept science fiction/adventure show involving an odd team of Agents investigating “Fringe” science. PREDICTION: uncertain. A lot of potential and the show is been getting a lot of buzz. Still, it is expensive and long delays may cause casual viewers to lose interest. Still, I hope this one goes.
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GARY UNMARRIED (CBS); Jay Mohr is a sad-sack single Dad trying to adjust to single life when the ex dumps his two kids on him. PREDICTION: the show needs better than it’s premise if it expects to survive.
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HOLE IN THE WALL (FOX): what may well be the dumbest idea for a game show EVER. Teams of three try to fit themselves through oddly shaped holes in a Styrofoam wall rushing toward them. PREDICTION: Hole in the Wall leaves a hole in the schedule.
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IN HARM’S WAY (CW): another “the title says it all” Reality Series. PREDICTION: cable does it better and has for a long time. Look for a quick exit.
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KATH AND KIM: a huge comedy in Australia about a daughter who comes home after only a few weeks of marriage. PREDICTION: I didn’t get My Name is Earl or The Office--and I don’t get this show either. Still, it’ll probably do pretty well--at least for a season or two.
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KNIGHT RIDER (NBC): the old warhorse gets yet ANOTHER makeover. PREDICTION: if there’s any justice K.I.T.T. will crash and burn before season’s end and we’ll be spared having to watch any more.
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LIFE ON MARS (ABC); a modern-day Police Detective wakes from a coma to find himself in 1973. PREDICTION: ABC must think a lot of this show since it’ gets the “sweet spot” behind Grey’s Anatomy. Still--we saw what happened to Big Shots last year in the same place. I don’t know whether this will be a huge hit or a huge disappointment.
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MY OWN WORST ENEMY (NBC): what is it with this season’s thing about “worst” shows? My Own Worst Enemy stars Christian Slater as Henry a mild-mannered accountant AND Edward (a suave, sexy spy) yet they are one and the same! The whole thing seems far-fetched to me (and if you read this Blog regularly you know that’s going some!) but I’ll watch it just to see how they pull it off. PREDICTION: Christian Slater is a fine actor but his “indie film” credits won’t count for much with a mainstream viewing audience so My Own Worst Enemy shoots itself in the head before season’s end.
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OPPORTUNITY KNOCKS (ABC): a game show featuring average Americans being asked questions about their own lives--but the show literally comes to them. PREDICTION: the novelty quickly wears off and the show is pulled to make room for new episodes of Wipeout (the improbable hit of last summer.)
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PRIVILEGED (CW): Gossip Girl lite--this time set in sunny Palm Beach. PREDICITON: if Gossip Girl and 90210 make it, this show probably will as well.
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STYLISTA (CW) yet another reality competition--this time with 11 would-be “Fashion Editors” competing for a job at Elle magazine. Wow! That sounds about as exciting as watching ink dry… PREDICTION: close the book on this turkey at the end of the first cycle.
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SURVIVING SUBURBIA (CW):
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THE EX LIST (CBS): a twenty-something looks for love among all her many exes. PREDICTION: this show is on at the wrong time to catch on with the desired demographic so draw a line through The Ex List before season’s end.
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THE MENTALIST (CBS): a less-fun version of Psych (which has been on for two years.) PREDICTION: won’t catch on with either the “sci fi” or “CSI” crowd so The Mentalist gets swept off stage by February.
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VALENTINE (CW): Aphrodite and her kinfolk move to Los Angeles for a romantic comedy. PREDICTION: Sunday night is a “crapfest” on the CW so we know where this show is going even before we seen the first episode!
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WORST WEEK (CBS): this show about an engaged man trying to win over his fiancée’s parents was picked as the season’s “Best New Comedy” by TV Guide. PREDICTION: dunno what the folks at TV Guide but I just can’t see it making a whole season. It may not be the “worst” show on the schedule but this mean-spirited comedy sure ain’t the best!
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Check back in late May to see how well I did.

A Sad Result of the Election...

Today’s post begins with a fractal simply called Why? I chose it because I simply asked myself “why” when I read the article that inspired today’s rant. Read on and you’ll probably end up saying “why?” as well! WARNING: today’s rant will be fairly short and likely offend quite a few people (so read on at your own risk.)
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I read something in today’s (November 13) Press-Enterprise that really made me sad: in the week of November 3-9 gun sales skyrocketed in the Inland Empire. Still, before you start “dissing” the I.E. you should know that this happened all over the nation. Local gun dealers attributed this to the election of Barack Obama and other Democrats. Local gun dealers aid they hadn’t seen such a spike in sales since the Los Angeles Riots of 1993.
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Frankly, this surprises and saddens me: what are they thinking that would cause people to react like this. Are these idiots afraid that some Liberal is going to come into your home and redecorate it in the latest style, force you into a Gay Marriage, and teach your children evolution and political history? Are they truly afraid that their world is going to change so much they have to shoot to kill? Maybe they are afraid the police will come and (to paraphrase Charleton Heston) pry their guns out of their cold, dead hands? Come on people! (If y’all truly believe this maybe we should think about revoking your right to vote, drive a car and even feed yourself. You need a keeper--badly!)
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Lest any of my readers think I really mean that--let me go on the record as saying that that was intended to be a sarcastic observance of a social situation NOT an actual suggestion (although I do think this behavior is utterly insane.) I find it sad to think there are people who are that afraid and uneducated that they would choose behavior like this rather than simply accepting that the political landscape has changed and working within the new framework. No doubt the landscape will change again (I’m afraid sooner rather than later) and I doubt that the Democrats won’t be taking up arms. I don’t even know what to suggest here--other than that liberals and middle-of-the-road folks like me need to watch their backs.
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Think about it.

This "Porno" Is A Romantic Comedy In Disguise

Crazylove seemed like a perfect fractal image for a review of Zack And Miri Make a Porno. Read the review and you’ll see why.
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Writer-Director Kevin Smith has made raunchy, subversive movies like Clerks. He’s also made gooey romantic comedies such as Jersey Girl. With Zack And Miri Make A Porno he has somehow managed to craft a movie that is both a sweet romantic comedy and a raunchy, subversive sexfest.
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Barista (and generally loveable schlub) Zack (Seth Rogen in his 914th movie this year) has been happily living with luscious loser Miri (blonde hottie Elizabeth Banks). When their lights and water are shut off they decide to make an amateur porn flick figuring they could make enough money to get out of debt. They assemble as cast of equally-loveable losers and financed on a shoestring from money gotten from Zack’s fellow Barista Delaney (Craig Robinson). Will this band of misfits find friendship and even love with one another? Will they hit snags along with way? Will Zack and Miri finally admit they are more than friends? Will everything turn out sweet and wonderful in the end? You can probably guess. (Seeing the title pretty much describes the plot: there‘s nothing else that needs to be said.)
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Seth Rogen is in virtually every scene and he carries the movie (and where but the movies or TV could someone like Zack bag a total hottie like Miri?) Fine supporting performances are turned in by Banks and Robinson as well as long-time Kevin Smith collaborators Jeff Anderson (Deacon) and Jason Mewes (Lester). Blond boyish Ricky Mabe hardly looks old enough to SEE the movie (let alone get involved in everything he does.) Former adult film stars Traci Lords (Bubbles--and I‘m not going to share how she got that name!) and Katie Morgan get most of the nude action (and grosses jokes.) “Superman” Brandon Routh and “Apple Guy” Justin Long play gay lovers and high school classmates of Zack and Miri (who inadvertently get the whole idea of making a porno rolling.)
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Zack And Miri.. is a very “hard” R (pun intended). The language is strong enough to make a sailor blush and plenty of nudity (including things we don’t want to see). As one might expect there’s also a lot of very graphic behavior. The plot is pretty standard (but one doesn’t go to a movie like this for deep story points.) Robyn and I both cringed as often as we laughed out loud (and we DID laugh a lot.) This is NOT a “family” movie even in the most-remote sense of the word and those of delicate sensibilities should avoid it (and not even go see a moving playing in a nearby theater: it’s that graphic.) Still, if you can handle “blue” material you’ll probably have a good time.
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FINAL GRADE: B+

The Baron Comments on Oxford University's "Top Ten Most Annoying Phrases"

How do you pick a fractal image for a post about the top ten most annoying phrases in current use? Frankly, there’s no easy fit for this one so I ended up picking something pretty that has absolutely NO relation to the topic. So--enjoy today’s post and the fractal Silver And Gold Rings. (I picked it because the circles look like zeroes--and the image has zero relationship to the topic.)
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It seems Researchers at the University of Oxford (England, in case you don’t happen to know) have a lot of extra time on their hands: they recently released a list of the top to “most annoying” phrases in the English language. How they came to decide which phrases make the list and where they ranked is beyond me--but I thought the list was interesting enough to warrant comment--considering how many of these phrases I use. So--in ascending order here is the Oxford list and my commentary.
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10) IT’S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE: maybe this one is a little overused (the phrase creeps into my vocabulary often enough) but it’s so darn useful! How better can you say to someone that a concept is simplicity itself and they ought to be able to grasp it without any problem? Come on people! It’s not rocket science!
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09) 24-7: this one isn’t one of my most-overused (but it has crept into my personal dialog more than once). Dunno why they included it because I don’t even know a lot of people who use it on a regular basis. And frankly, 24-7 is handy shorthand for “all day-every day.”
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08) SHOULDN’T OF: OK, this is just plain bad grammar--but I have to confess that I use this one now and again (usually when I’m in a rush.) The correct form is shouldn’t have. (Hmm--maybe I shouldn’t of mentioned that in my blog . . .) This is just a product of the laziness of English speakers. Say “shouldn’t have” in normal conversation it almost becomes shouldn’t HAVE. You Oxford scholars should maybe be a bit more mellow--since the lazy habit started in England.
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07) IT’S A NIGHTMARE: Has this been over-used to the point it would even make it on a list? I didn’t know! It’s a nightmare!
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06) ABSOULTELY!: I’m seriously guilty of over-using this one in conversation and even in my writing--but, come on people--there really isn’t a better way to let someone know you agree with them. Absolutely!
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05) WITH ALL DUE RESPECT: this one might very well top the list of my “most annoying” phrases (at least to my on line friends.) Sadly in my case “with all due respect” is usually followed by something like “you’re an idiot!” But, with all due respect--if you need to be told--you NEED to be told!
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04) AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME: I blame Whitney Houston for this one after she popularized that damn song in the 80s. (I also blame her for global warmiong and the Iran-Contra scandal but that's probably irrelevant.) Thank God it’s not on my personal list--at least not at this moment in time! What’s wrong with saying “right now?”
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03) I PERSONALLY: personally, I don’t see anything wrong with this--although I suppose it may be a bit redundant. Maybe those Oxford blokes just object to sloppy speech…
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02) FAIRLY UNIQUE: this phrase has NEVER and WILL NEVER pass my lips! It’s either unique (like no other) or it isn’t! By definition there can’t be a middle ground! This one needs to be banned! Banned I tell you! Now!
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And Number One… (drum roll please!)
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01) AT THE END OF THE DAY: I don’t know where this phrase came from or why it has become so popular. I guess it’s the current version of “what it boils down to” or “when all is said at done”. Frankly, there’s no convenient way to express the concept. Ah well, at the end of the day it’s just a bunch of eggheads’ opinions.
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Frankly, I’d replace a few of these things with words and phrases that I find personally annoying. Here’s my list…
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01) MISPRONOUNCING THE WORDS “NUCLEAR” AND “REALTOR”: come on people! It’s “new-KLEE-ur” NOT “new-QUE-Ler” and "REAL-tore" NOT "ree-LET-tore." Learn to pronounce the words correctly or don’t use them!!!
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02) USING INSTANT MESSAGE ABBRIEVIATIONS IN “REAL” SPEECH: I’m guilty of this one and it truly annoys me. Nobody in general, and especially not white men in their 50s should use phrases like “IMHO” or “OBTW” Pretty young ladies like Victoria Rosser(who sings in my Church choir) look at you like you’ve lost your mind.
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03) OH-MY-GAWD: this one just needs to die! (Even though I do use it myself--way more than I should).
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04) “NO WAY” FOLLOWED BY “WAY” OR “YES WAY”: this was over with Wayne’s World and yet it won’t leave the popular lexicon.
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05) HEL-LO!: it’s rude--and, worse, it’s OVER! Time to find a new way to let that lemon on your left that s/he is an idiot!
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06 WHATEVER! or even worse WHAT-EV!: you’ve gotta admire the “diss” in this word in the phrase but it so lacks elegance!
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And while we’re on the subject… 07: “DISS”: not only the WORD but the whole CONCEPT needs to go! For example “she totally “dissed” (disrespected) me! What it boils down to is that this individual did something you don’t like and therefore you have a right to retaliate in whatever childish, mean-spirited or just plain stupid manner the speaker sees fit! Time for that whole line to be over and done!
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While I’m on the subject I’m sure there are a few phrases my friends and family wish I would drop. Here are my candidates…
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01) ..AND I MEAN THAT IN THE NICEST, MOST CONSTRUCTIVE WAY!: which is always said right after I make some particularly cutting comment like “you voted FOR Proposition 8? Have you lost your mind??? (And I mean that in the nicest, most constructive way!)
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02) OH PUH-LEASE!: old(er) white guys just shouldn’t be saying that.
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03) LET’S GET ON WITH IT--SHALL WE?: this is my pet phrase for “get to the point” or “time to move along to the next point.” I have no patience with folks who don’t get it--and it really annoys people. Particularly the ones who don‘t get it…
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04) THAT’S A WHOLE NOTHER STORY: this phrase got started in the 1970s and, like disco, has never left my lexicon! Really it’s such a non-sequitur. Can one have a partial ‘nother? And if it was another story--what was the first one? This is a phrase that just--needs--to--go.
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05) TOTALLY: it was cool (for a minute) in the 1980s--but like “Mall Hair” and “parachute pants” it needs to go into the annals of “fashion don’ts” like the rest of the decade.
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So that’s my list. How many of these grammatical sins are you guilty of?
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Think about it.

A "Bittersweet" Victory

Today’s post begins with a fractal called Latte Swirl. I picked it because “Latte” is a bittersweet beverage that somehow mirrors my feelings on the election. That being said--on with today’s rant.
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So Barack Obama is now our President-elect--and I’m a happy boy. As a left-leaning independent I just didn’t feel that John McCain was in touch with the pulse of the American people. Obama had a decisive victory in the Electoral College and won the popular vote by a reasonable margin. (Unlike “Dubya’s” “Mandate from the American people”--a 51 to 49% vote--this was a clear and complete victory.) I am glad to see that America has finally gotten past the issue of color and made a choice on ability rather than race.
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Still, Obama’s victory has me a bit worried: McCain lost because he was too-closely tied to President Bush and most people believe “Dubya” has made a royal hash out of things. People are looking for a change--any change--but I worry that they will fall quickly away when they realize that Obama isn’t going to be able to simply wave a magic wand and “fix” everything. It took a long time to get into this mess--and it’s going to take a lot of time, effort and sacrifice to get us out. I just hope the American people give him time to make a difference.
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It turned out that Sarah Palin wasn’t nearly as beneficial as McCain hoped she would have been: yes, she emerged the conservative base of the Republican Party--but she turned off an equal number of independents by her reactionary views. Yay America! You got that one right. If this election taught the Republicans anything it is that they are going to have to make a stronger effort to reach out to women and minorities: maybe they will even back off from the hard Right Wing stance and maybe steers it away from the control of the Evangelical Right. Still, Sarah Palin is being touted as one of the "Rising Stars" of the Republican Party so no doubt we'll be seeing her again in 2012--if not before.
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Frankly, I was also pleased to see that Proposition 4 was defeated roundly. This issue requiring Doctors to notify parents of a teen girl before she got an abortion--and wait 48 hours--was nothing more than an attack on Roe V Wade. Californians saw through that one. Prop 7--the messy energy innitiative--also went down to defeat. (We really dodged a bullet there.) I’m pleased that Proposition 1A passed and I only hope I live long enough to ride the high speed train between San Diego and San Francisco.
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Still, with the sweet there comes a little biter: Proposition 2 passed. While I’m glad that farm animals will have a better life I’m sure that the California consumer will end up taking it in the pocketbook. (“Free range“ chicken, beef and eggs were available for anyone who wanted them.) For those of you in favor--don’t whine when the price of meat, milk and eggs goes through the roof.
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I was disappointed (if not completely surprised) to see that Proposition 8 seems to have failed. It seems odd to me that Californians gave chickens and cattle more rights than gay couples in the state. To me, this is a victory for ignorance, fear and intolerance. I only hope that same-sex civil unions will one day have an equal status with “traditional” marriage in America.
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Still, no matter which way you voted, you’re political affiliation, nobody can deny the next few years are really going to be--interesting . . .
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Think about it.