This "Porno" Is A Romantic Comedy In Disguise

Crazylove seemed like a perfect fractal image for a review of Zack And Miri Make a Porno. Read the review and you’ll see why.
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Writer-Director Kevin Smith has made raunchy, subversive movies like Clerks. He’s also made gooey romantic comedies such as Jersey Girl. With Zack And Miri Make A Porno he has somehow managed to craft a movie that is both a sweet romantic comedy and a raunchy, subversive sexfest.
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Barista (and generally loveable schlub) Zack (Seth Rogen in his 914th movie this year) has been happily living with luscious loser Miri (blonde hottie Elizabeth Banks). When their lights and water are shut off they decide to make an amateur porn flick figuring they could make enough money to get out of debt. They assemble as cast of equally-loveable losers and financed on a shoestring from money gotten from Zack’s fellow Barista Delaney (Craig Robinson). Will this band of misfits find friendship and even love with one another? Will they hit snags along with way? Will Zack and Miri finally admit they are more than friends? Will everything turn out sweet and wonderful in the end? You can probably guess. (Seeing the title pretty much describes the plot: there‘s nothing else that needs to be said.)
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Seth Rogen is in virtually every scene and he carries the movie (and where but the movies or TV could someone like Zack bag a total hottie like Miri?) Fine supporting performances are turned in by Banks and Robinson as well as long-time Kevin Smith collaborators Jeff Anderson (Deacon) and Jason Mewes (Lester). Blond boyish Ricky Mabe hardly looks old enough to SEE the movie (let alone get involved in everything he does.) Former adult film stars Traci Lords (Bubbles--and I‘m not going to share how she got that name!) and Katie Morgan get most of the nude action (and grosses jokes.) “Superman” Brandon Routh and “Apple Guy” Justin Long play gay lovers and high school classmates of Zack and Miri (who inadvertently get the whole idea of making a porno rolling.)
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Zack And Miri.. is a very “hard” R (pun intended). The language is strong enough to make a sailor blush and plenty of nudity (including things we don’t want to see). As one might expect there’s also a lot of very graphic behavior. The plot is pretty standard (but one doesn’t go to a movie like this for deep story points.) Robyn and I both cringed as often as we laughed out loud (and we DID laugh a lot.) This is NOT a “family” movie even in the most-remote sense of the word and those of delicate sensibilities should avoid it (and not even go see a moving playing in a nearby theater: it’s that graphic.) Still, if you can handle “blue” material you’ll probably have a good time.
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FINAL GRADE: B+

The Baron Comments on Oxford University's "Top Ten Most Annoying Phrases"

How do you pick a fractal image for a post about the top ten most annoying phrases in current use? Frankly, there’s no easy fit for this one so I ended up picking something pretty that has absolutely NO relation to the topic. So--enjoy today’s post and the fractal Silver And Gold Rings. (I picked it because the circles look like zeroes--and the image has zero relationship to the topic.)
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It seems Researchers at the University of Oxford (England, in case you don’t happen to know) have a lot of extra time on their hands: they recently released a list of the top to “most annoying” phrases in the English language. How they came to decide which phrases make the list and where they ranked is beyond me--but I thought the list was interesting enough to warrant comment--considering how many of these phrases I use. So--in ascending order here is the Oxford list and my commentary.
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10) IT’S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE: maybe this one is a little overused (the phrase creeps into my vocabulary often enough) but it’s so darn useful! How better can you say to someone that a concept is simplicity itself and they ought to be able to grasp it without any problem? Come on people! It’s not rocket science!
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09) 24-7: this one isn’t one of my most-overused (but it has crept into my personal dialog more than once). Dunno why they included it because I don’t even know a lot of people who use it on a regular basis. And frankly, 24-7 is handy shorthand for “all day-every day.”
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08) SHOULDN’T OF: OK, this is just plain bad grammar--but I have to confess that I use this one now and again (usually when I’m in a rush.) The correct form is shouldn’t have. (Hmm--maybe I shouldn’t of mentioned that in my blog . . .) This is just a product of the laziness of English speakers. Say “shouldn’t have” in normal conversation it almost becomes shouldn’t HAVE. You Oxford scholars should maybe be a bit more mellow--since the lazy habit started in England.
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07) IT’S A NIGHTMARE: Has this been over-used to the point it would even make it on a list? I didn’t know! It’s a nightmare!
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06) ABSOULTELY!: I’m seriously guilty of over-using this one in conversation and even in my writing--but, come on people--there really isn’t a better way to let someone know you agree with them. Absolutely!
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05) WITH ALL DUE RESPECT: this one might very well top the list of my “most annoying” phrases (at least to my on line friends.) Sadly in my case “with all due respect” is usually followed by something like “you’re an idiot!” But, with all due respect--if you need to be told--you NEED to be told!
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04) AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME: I blame Whitney Houston for this one after she popularized that damn song in the 80s. (I also blame her for global warmiong and the Iran-Contra scandal but that's probably irrelevant.) Thank God it’s not on my personal list--at least not at this moment in time! What’s wrong with saying “right now?”
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03) I PERSONALLY: personally, I don’t see anything wrong with this--although I suppose it may be a bit redundant. Maybe those Oxford blokes just object to sloppy speech…
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02) FAIRLY UNIQUE: this phrase has NEVER and WILL NEVER pass my lips! It’s either unique (like no other) or it isn’t! By definition there can’t be a middle ground! This one needs to be banned! Banned I tell you! Now!
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And Number One… (drum roll please!)
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01) AT THE END OF THE DAY: I don’t know where this phrase came from or why it has become so popular. I guess it’s the current version of “what it boils down to” or “when all is said at done”. Frankly, there’s no convenient way to express the concept. Ah well, at the end of the day it’s just a bunch of eggheads’ opinions.
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Frankly, I’d replace a few of these things with words and phrases that I find personally annoying. Here’s my list…
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01) MISPRONOUNCING THE WORDS “NUCLEAR” AND “REALTOR”: come on people! It’s “new-KLEE-ur” NOT “new-QUE-Ler” and "REAL-tore" NOT "ree-LET-tore." Learn to pronounce the words correctly or don’t use them!!!
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02) USING INSTANT MESSAGE ABBRIEVIATIONS IN “REAL” SPEECH: I’m guilty of this one and it truly annoys me. Nobody in general, and especially not white men in their 50s should use phrases like “IMHO” or “OBTW” Pretty young ladies like Victoria Rosser(who sings in my Church choir) look at you like you’ve lost your mind.
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03) OH-MY-GAWD: this one just needs to die! (Even though I do use it myself--way more than I should).
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04) “NO WAY” FOLLOWED BY “WAY” OR “YES WAY”: this was over with Wayne’s World and yet it won’t leave the popular lexicon.
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05) HEL-LO!: it’s rude--and, worse, it’s OVER! Time to find a new way to let that lemon on your left that s/he is an idiot!
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06 WHATEVER! or even worse WHAT-EV!: you’ve gotta admire the “diss” in this word in the phrase but it so lacks elegance!
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And while we’re on the subject… 07: “DISS”: not only the WORD but the whole CONCEPT needs to go! For example “she totally “dissed” (disrespected) me! What it boils down to is that this individual did something you don’t like and therefore you have a right to retaliate in whatever childish, mean-spirited or just plain stupid manner the speaker sees fit! Time for that whole line to be over and done!
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While I’m on the subject I’m sure there are a few phrases my friends and family wish I would drop. Here are my candidates…
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01) ..AND I MEAN THAT IN THE NICEST, MOST CONSTRUCTIVE WAY!: which is always said right after I make some particularly cutting comment like “you voted FOR Proposition 8? Have you lost your mind??? (And I mean that in the nicest, most constructive way!)
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02) OH PUH-LEASE!: old(er) white guys just shouldn’t be saying that.
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03) LET’S GET ON WITH IT--SHALL WE?: this is my pet phrase for “get to the point” or “time to move along to the next point.” I have no patience with folks who don’t get it--and it really annoys people. Particularly the ones who don‘t get it…
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04) THAT’S A WHOLE NOTHER STORY: this phrase got started in the 1970s and, like disco, has never left my lexicon! Really it’s such a non-sequitur. Can one have a partial ‘nother? And if it was another story--what was the first one? This is a phrase that just--needs--to--go.
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05) TOTALLY: it was cool (for a minute) in the 1980s--but like “Mall Hair” and “parachute pants” it needs to go into the annals of “fashion don’ts” like the rest of the decade.
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So that’s my list. How many of these grammatical sins are you guilty of?
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Think about it.

A "Bittersweet" Victory

Today’s post begins with a fractal called Latte Swirl. I picked it because “Latte” is a bittersweet beverage that somehow mirrors my feelings on the election. That being said--on with today’s rant.
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So Barack Obama is now our President-elect--and I’m a happy boy. As a left-leaning independent I just didn’t feel that John McCain was in touch with the pulse of the American people. Obama had a decisive victory in the Electoral College and won the popular vote by a reasonable margin. (Unlike “Dubya’s” “Mandate from the American people”--a 51 to 49% vote--this was a clear and complete victory.) I am glad to see that America has finally gotten past the issue of color and made a choice on ability rather than race.
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Still, Obama’s victory has me a bit worried: McCain lost because he was too-closely tied to President Bush and most people believe “Dubya” has made a royal hash out of things. People are looking for a change--any change--but I worry that they will fall quickly away when they realize that Obama isn’t going to be able to simply wave a magic wand and “fix” everything. It took a long time to get into this mess--and it’s going to take a lot of time, effort and sacrifice to get us out. I just hope the American people give him time to make a difference.
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It turned out that Sarah Palin wasn’t nearly as beneficial as McCain hoped she would have been: yes, she emerged the conservative base of the Republican Party--but she turned off an equal number of independents by her reactionary views. Yay America! You got that one right. If this election taught the Republicans anything it is that they are going to have to make a stronger effort to reach out to women and minorities: maybe they will even back off from the hard Right Wing stance and maybe steers it away from the control of the Evangelical Right. Still, Sarah Palin is being touted as one of the "Rising Stars" of the Republican Party so no doubt we'll be seeing her again in 2012--if not before.
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Frankly, I was also pleased to see that Proposition 4 was defeated roundly. This issue requiring Doctors to notify parents of a teen girl before she got an abortion--and wait 48 hours--was nothing more than an attack on Roe V Wade. Californians saw through that one. Prop 7--the messy energy innitiative--also went down to defeat. (We really dodged a bullet there.) I’m pleased that Proposition 1A passed and I only hope I live long enough to ride the high speed train between San Diego and San Francisco.
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Still, with the sweet there comes a little biter: Proposition 2 passed. While I’m glad that farm animals will have a better life I’m sure that the California consumer will end up taking it in the pocketbook. (“Free range“ chicken, beef and eggs were available for anyone who wanted them.) For those of you in favor--don’t whine when the price of meat, milk and eggs goes through the roof.
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I was disappointed (if not completely surprised) to see that Proposition 8 seems to have failed. It seems odd to me that Californians gave chickens and cattle more rights than gay couples in the state. To me, this is a victory for ignorance, fear and intolerance. I only hope that same-sex civil unions will one day have an equal status with “traditional” marriage in America.
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Still, no matter which way you voted, you’re political affiliation, nobody can deny the next few years are really going to be--interesting . . .
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Think about it.

Who Is The Biggest "Horse's Ass"?

My loyal readers (all four of you) know why I haven’t blogged in a while: for those who don’t--we had a family tragedy. Robyn’s Dad died recently and we have been dealing wht that. Still--I need to get back on the wagon so here it goes. Today’s post begins with a fractal called Is It Me? I chose that title because when I made the image I said “is it me or does that look like a butt?” A fractal that looks like a butt seems appropriate for a post about who might be the biggest horses ass in the latest Obama Trauma. It’s getting a little old but the controversy--WILL-NOT-DIE and I had to put in my two cents.
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Some of you may remember the furor that was raised when Linda Fedele President of the Chaffey Community Republican Women Federated printed a fake “food stamp” featuring a drawing of Barack Obama surrounded by chicken, ribs, watermelon and Kool Aid. When the controversy bubbled up someone from her family claimed it wasn’t at all racist and had no idea why anyone would be upset by this. The whole family seemed utterly clueless that this might cause upset.
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When I heard this I was literally screaming at the TV set: I was frankly dumbfounded (not literally but you get the point) that anyone in this day and age could be so completely insensitive or totally out of the loop. Still, it took this woman nearly a week to issue (IMHO) a half-hearted apology and resign her position as President of the Chaffey Community. She found the image on the Internet and claims she had “no idea” it would cause anyone upset.
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A few days later the self-proclaimed “creator” of the “Obama Bucks” image came forward to our local paper the Press Enterprise--long may they reign in typographical error glory! Tim (he wouldn’t give his last name) runs a website called “PleaseGodNo.com (love then name, BTW) but when I went to check it out I was re-directed to the main Obama donations site. Tim says he’s a proud Democrat and he created the image as a satirical take on how right-wing types thought would happen if Obama was elected.
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Honestly, I get Tim’s point. That being said--I think any Satirist worth their salt has to realize what a difficult art it is: you have to be obvious enough to make your point yet let the audience know you are doing it with a wink and a nudge. Otherwise you risk being taken seriously! (Think the recent New Yorker cover depicting Barak Obama as a terrorist and his wife as an African militant.) You can also look back at Jonathan Swift who’s A Modest Proposal shocked a nation when he suggested that Englishmen should use Irish babies as food!
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Obviously there was a lapse in good judgment--not to mention taste--on both sides here. Still, there’s one more player in the Who Is The Biggest Horse’s Ass Sweepstakes… Now we have a bunch of authors in the photosphere trashing the Inland Empire. They classify the region as a land of Redneck-filled trailer parks full of uneducated rubes. Yes, some parts of the IE are like that--but I venture to say you could find similar areas wherever you go (even in highly-cultured places like San Francisco and New York City.) But there are also plenty of educated people and reasonable people on both sides of the aisle. Trashing a whole region just because you don’t agree with one person really isn’t cool.
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So--who is the biggest “horse’s ass”? We have three excellent candidates but I’ll leave it to you to pick your favorite. All I can say is that you do your best NEVER to be the horse’s hiney.
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Think about it.

"Chihuahua" Goes To The Dogs

Today’s post begins with a fractal called Cinco De Mayo. It was the only thing I could find that had a remotely “Mexican” theme (since I needed because I’ll be reviewing Beverly Hills Chihuahua.) Ah well--on with the review!
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Mexico, Beverly Hills and Chihuahuas all get sanitized and sprinkled with Disney Magic in their latest effort Beverly Hills Chihuahua. Everything is charming and cute beyond belief--but, then again, this is a kid’s comedy and nothing akin to a “serious” movie--and on that level it succeeds. You get everything you expect except the big song-and-dance number featured so prominently in the previews--which, to my way of thinking, is a huge bummer.)
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There are few surprises in this by-the-numbers story: a Beverly Hills cosmetics mogul (played by Jamie Lee Curtis--rockin‘ her naturally gray hair) dotes on her child-substitute Chloe (voiced by Drew Barrymore.) and has a remarkably congenial relationship with her hunky Mexican Gardener (Landscaper) (played by Manolo Cardona). When “Aunt Viv” is suddenly called away she leaves Chloe in the care of irresponsible party-girl niece Rachel (Piper Parabo). An ill-advised trip to Mexico results in Chloe straying away and getting captured for the Dog Fights. While Rachel looks for the dog assisted by Gardener Sam and HIS Chihuahua Papi (voiced by George Lopez) Chloe is helped home by once-and-future Police Dog Delgado (voiced by Andy Garcia). Edward James Olmos gives voice to Diablo (the lead “bad“ dog) while Cheech Marin and Paul Rodriguez give voice to a pair of comic villains Manuel and Chico (who just happen to be a rat and iguana). Opera singer Placido Domingo gives voice to wild Chihuahua Montezuma (“call me Monte”) in an all-too brief scene. Will the good guys end up happy? Will the bad guys get their just deserts in a comical way? Will there be a sequel? Come on people! This is a Disney movie! You already know the answer!
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For what it is, Beverly Hills Chihuahua is pretty good--funny, sweet and sentimental without being too cloying. It’s a “safe” movie that the kids can enjoy without the parents completely falling asleep. True, there isn’t an original plot idea or joke in the movie (except for the excised production number--the funniest thing in the whole production) but everything works. Beverly Hills Chihuahua is far and away from being a timeless classic but it IS a pleasant afternoon diversion the whole family could enjoy.
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FINAL GRADE: B-

The Baron Weighs In On Proposition 8

I made today’s fractal, Marital Pride, when the idea of same-sex marriage was first floated in California several years ago. (In fact, I already used it for a cookie in a previous post about the same question.) I’m for it and was saddened when Prop 22 passed. I was surprised (and admittedly pleased) when the California State Supreme Court overturned it. It DIDN’T surprise me in the least when Prop 8 made its way to the ballot and I knew it was going to get ugly.
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Still I decided not to comment on the case until I saw a commercial in favor of Prop 8 that has been getting a lot of airplay. The lies were so blatant and the slant to ridiculous that I just had to comment because it plays on fears of supporters (who won’t look at the issue critically). I couldn’t find the stand-alone commercial on line but this comment on the commercial pretty much covers my objections to the ad. (Check out this link to see for yourself: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u-pSye9W7FY .) I wonder why proponents of Prop 8 chose to be dishonest in their campaign. Could it be because they know there have no legal grounds to stand on?
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Honestly, I get why some people find the prospect of same-sex marriage unsettling. I understand they think it is immoral (even unnatural.) Still, this isn’t a question of MORALITY. It is a question of LEGALITY--nothing more. Prop 22 was overturned because the State Supreme Court found that “separate” WAS NOT “equal” in this case. There is no LEGAL reason why same-sex couples shouldn’t be granted the same rights as hetero couples.
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I won’t debate the morality question--mainly because there’s no point to it. Nothing I say will change opinions and I’ve pretty much heard and rejected any arguments the other side can bring to the table. You have the right to your beliefs and I will defend that right to the death even though I disagree with you. Lets agree to disagree agreeably and leave it at that.
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But maybe I CAN do something to calm the fears of those opposed to same-sex marriage. It’s not going to be the end of world--I promise! Legions of married men and women aren’t going to leave their spouses and families to take up with someone of the same sex because they FINALLY have the right to marry! Homosexuals won’t be sending “Recruiters” into the schools to entice youngsters into the lifestyle. (I’ve seen the “Gay Agenda” and there just isn’t time on the schedule.) They aren’t going to come storming into your churches demanding you change your theology. (If that’s happening it is happening WITHIN the church body and the church, as a body, can either accept or reject it.) Same-sex marriage isn’t going to diminish heterosexual marriage in any way, tangible or intangible. ALL it will do is give same-sex couples equal protection under the law.
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When women got the vote there were those who said it would destroy the country: it didn’t. When segregation was ended there were those who said it would destroy the country: it didn’t. When women took on larger roles in the armed forces there were those who said it would be the end of the country: it wasn’t. And believe me--same-sex marriage won’t be the end of the country either.
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Think about it.

Ron's Top-Ten Weird Food Cravings

Today’s post begins with a fractal called Tooth Spiral: It seemed appropriate for a post about eating. Hope you enjoy it.
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I don’t know if anyone else besides be gets weird food cravings but I find myself craving strange things at the oddest times. Robyn and I were shopping at our favorite “Membership Superstore” and we came across a new product--waffle batter in a spray can! Mind you--I don’t even like waffles that much but now that’s all I think about for the past two weeks. A little before that our Minister mentioned a Del Taco Burrito and then nothing would do but that I go get one. I did and it was a gloppy, gluey mess and I can’t ever imagine ordering another one. But I’ll probably start craving one again at some weird time.
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So here’s a list of food cravings. What are yours?
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WAFFLES
There’s nothing better than a nice warm waffle when the butter melts and the syrup is just poured. But the waffle starts cooling almost immediately and pretty soon turns into a cold mess on the plate. Worse, I don’t think I’ve ever managed to finish a plate of waffles without them going cold--yet now I’m thinking about how much I’d love some…
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DELUXE DEL MEAT BURRITO
I don’t often go to Del Taco (mainly because I’m not a big fan of their pseudo-Mexican food. Still, every once-in-a-while I find myself craving one of these things. HAD one (in the car no less--and that was a BIG mistake!) I don’t know why I like these things so well (maybe it’s ‘cause I don’t like anything else on the Del Taco menu) but I still do.
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SPAM
When I was little I remember my Mom making Fried Spam and Eggs as a special breakfast (or sometimes Sunday Dinner) for our family. It was something I always looked forward to and found myself vaguely missing once she stopped doing it. I was reminiscing about Spam and Robyn actually bought a six-pack of Spam at Costco. It just wasn’t the same: in fact--I don’t know for the life of me what I saw in the stuff. (It took us almost a year to force ourselves through the six-pack.) Still, I find myself glancing longingly at the Spam when we pass it in the “tinned meats” aisle.
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GRITS
Daddy was from Texas and Mom was from Louisiana so Grits made a regular appearance on our breakfast table. Most Northerners don’t appreciate the magnificence that is grits. Even today I’ll end up ordering grits instead of potatoes when the choice is offered on a breakfast menu.
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JELLY CANDY
Back when Dinosaurs walked the Earth Supermarkets used to have bins of individually-wrapped candies, peppermints, caramels, butterscotch, lemon drops and other stuff. We had a candy dish in the house and my personal fave was the Brach’s Jelly Candies. I loved the strawberry, orange, lemon, lime and even licorice fruit chews but I didn’t care for the grape-flavored ones. That was what I always reached for first (unless there was Hershey’s Kisses in the dish.) Even today I’ll still go for these things when I can find ‘em.
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BREAD PUDDING
Another childhood favorite. Nobody has ever made Bread Pudding like my Mom (except maybe my aunts back in Louisiana. It was like no other bread pudding I’ve ever had. In fact--when I was an adult I’d come home to visit and go to the supermarket and buy bread and milk and beg her to make it. Of course she never wrote the recipe down and I never learned how to make it so I guess the secret died with her. Robyn has tried making bread pudding and it’s tasty--but it’s just not Mom’s.
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CHIP BEEF ON TOAST
This was usually a “quick dinner” at our house and I always loved it. (Of course I didn‘t find out the stuff was also called “Shit On A Shingle” until I was an adult--and it might have changed my mind if I had but that‘s a whole nother post.) Every once in a while I’ll see it on a restaurant menu and think about ordering it even if I know it won’t be what I got at home.
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McRIB SANDWICH
What is it about these formed-pork, sauce-covered monstrosities that inspires such lust in my heart? Still, every time McDonald’s brings them back I find myself wanting one--I don’t know why.
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ARROZ CON POLLO
I didn’t discover this dish until I was in my forties--and I can’t find many Mexican places that even have it on the Menu. In fact I’ve only been able to find it at one place where I really like it--the Chili Pepper in Orange California. Still, this stuff is so good I’ve even ordered it for breakfast!
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TRIPLE-CHOCOLATE ORGASM CAKE
Robyn adapted this recipe for a Bundt Cake from the recipe book she got with her pan. It’s a “Mix” recipe with Devil’s Food Cake, Chocolate Pudding and Chocolate Chips. (The recipe calls for a chocolate frosting as well but Robyn does it with a cream-cheese glaze that’s way better--it cuts the sweetness just enough. This is her “go to” recipe for pot lucks and gatherings and most people “go to” the cake to the point where we don’t have much (if any) to take home. Since Robyn is no longer allowed to eat chocolate she’s pretty much quit making it--but I DO miss it so.
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Maybe my food cravings aren’t all that strange but I do love them so. So much that I just might have to post this and make myself a Spam and Chipped Beef On Toast with a side of Grits and some jelly-candy stuff Triple Chocolate Orgasm Cake for lunch! Yum! Yum!