Top Ten WORST Family Members At The Funeral

Whenever I touch on matters-religious (even tangentially) I always choose a "stained glass" fractal. Knowing that, I think the reason I chose Stained Glass 13 should be fairly obvious. That being said--on with the post!
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I've been composing this list in my head for quite some time and finally decided to take allegorical pen to metaphorical paper to publish the list (for which I will probably catch holy hell from certain quarters). The relationships are arbitrary for the most part and, needless to say, the names have been omitted (to protect me from the guilty). Read on at your own risk--YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
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And here we go...
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10) THE POLITICAL COUSIN: s/he has the power to turn any situation into a political confrontation no matter how inappropriate. (Of course this one only really bothers you if you're of a different political party or have delicate social sensibilities.)
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09) THE DRUNKEN COUSIN; every family has that member who tends to assuage their grief with alcohol (and it's all downhill from here). Drunks come in several varieties (and the drunkard may change types in the middle of the episode) but generally you can expect something like this. The Maudlin Drunk gets sentimental, even weepy: this just ends up being embarrassing for everybody. The Happy Drunk is the life of the party--until s/he does something stupid and a fight erupts. The Confrontational Drunk is, well, confrontational: what more need be said? The most desirable drunk is The Sleepy Drunk who generally ends up nodding off in a corner--which is fine until you have to clear the place out and deal with him or her.
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08) THE TWO-FACED NIECE: she simply oozes concern while she's scoping out the deceased possessions to make sure she gets the good stuff from the estate. She makes a lot of empty promises that never quite come to pass down the line--all the while stressing family loyalty. She's dangerous so watch out for her.
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07) THE LEGALISTIC NEPHEW: this guy somehow manages to come up with "verbal agreements" regarding the good stuff in the estate. You've never heard any of this but he'll look you in the eye and swear it's the truth on a stack of Bibles. Everything is fine until you tell him you've never heard of any of these--then things get ugly...
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06) THE GREEDY IN-LAWS: you can tell them by their screech of "mine! mine! mine!" They want to make sure they get their piece of the pie and, one way or another, they're going to get it--sooner rather than later. These folks are going to be trouble for a long, long time...
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05) THE GRUDGE-BEARING BROTHER: he won't let go of his anger for anything so he just adds more stress to the gathering than there already is. Like Levon, he wears his war wound like a crown. (Calling his child Jesus--"because he likes the name" is purely optional) Even in this time of sorrow he's unwilling to put aside the hurt for anything or anyone. He's not fun to be around...
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04) THE DRAMA QUEEN SISTER: this girl manages to make it all about her--how much she musses the deceased, how devoted she is to the survivors... You name it, she's right there in the middle of everything--and it's all completely over the top. Her antics are fun for a while but eventually the schtick just gets tiresome and you wish she'd learn to control herself (or better yet, go away.)
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03) THE HEN-PECKED HUSBAND: this poor schmuck can't do anything (and I mean ANYTHING) without first consulting with his wife and getting her permision (often in writing.) You wanna feel sorry for the guy but after a while dealing with him (and the little woman pulling the strings) gets completely tiresome and you want to start screaming or knocking some sense into the guy. Sadly, neither is a productive strategy so you're just gonna have to suck it up and just deal with the wife. It's so much easier...
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02) THE JUDGEMENTAL MOTHER-IN-LAW: Sister Bertha Better-Than-You, fresh from the "Amen Pew" at the First Self-Righteous Chucho has come down from her seat at the left hand of the Heavenly Father to render her opinion of you (to anyone but you) and, sadly, you failed miserably. You will never meet her standards (and if by some miracle you manage to cut the mustard in one area you'll soon find yourself lacking in another area). You can win with this woman, you can't break even and she won't let you get out of the game--so avoid her if you can. Leave as quickly as possible if you can't.
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And the NUMBER ONE person you'd least live to have at the Funeral is...
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01) THE UNPREPARED DECEASED: no, most of these good people didn't plan to die. Chances are they didn't want to think about their demise so they didn't plan ahead. This leaves the survivors in a muddled mess that only starts with the funeral. From there it just keeps getting worse: the headaches start with funeral panning and don't end any time soon. The only way to prevent this is to take control of your own destiny and plan ahead so your survivors won't have the problems when you take your final bow.
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That's the list. Let the kicking begin...
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'nuff said.