Oscar Goes Slum(dog)ing

This post is a first in a couple of ways. To wit: this is my first review of the Academy Awards telecast. Second: I was requested (or at least prompted) to write this by a friend. (So, Alison Young--this is your fault!) The fractal I chose was Nearly Perfect Star in honor of a nearly-perfect telecast.
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I watch the Oscars for pretty much two reasons. I want to see who’s wearing what (mainly so I can see if my definition of oops agrees with the critics) and in hopes of seeing something interesting (a controversial speech, a routine that falls flat, a completely unexpected award or a particularly touching moment. Sadly, there were no major meltdowns on stage, no major award surprises (with the possible exception of Sean Penn taking the “Best Actor” Oscar instead of Mickey Rourke.) Touching moments were two in number (Heath Ledger’s family accepting his “Best Supporting Actor” Award and Dustin Lance Black accepting his screen writing award.) The Ben Stiller channeling the latest incarnation of Juaquin Phoenix bit played well in the theater but I found it painfully unfunny. The Jennifer Aniston/Jack Black bit didn’t work well (and cried out for a comic “zinger” as ABC cut to a close up of Angelina Jolie looking bored and slightly pissed off--awkward!
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Hugh Jackman (when they let him on stage) proved to be an able host. His opening number was one of the best in “Awards” telecast history and his “Salute to Movie Musicals” (assisted by Beyonce and supporting players from High School Musical 3 and Mamma Mia! was loads of fun. The “Best Song” montage was decent (but it‘s hard to go wrong with a stage full of “Bollywood dancers and drummers.)
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Now for the fashion dish…
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Brangelina committed one of the biggest “fashion crimes” on the red carpet--they were boring. How could two such outstandingly PRETTY people look so blah? Sean Penn and Robin Wright-Penn did it right in basic black and managed to steal “best couple award for their severe, elegant style.
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Sarah Jessica Parker looked like an escaped Ballerina in her “Barely mint” mess of a dress that looked like halves of two separate dresses crawled onto her body and died! And what’s with the stripes in Matthew Broderick’s hair???
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I loved, Loved, LOVED Natalie Portman and Alicia Keys in raspberry pink (how it looked on my TV) or was it lilac (how it looked in pix.) Simple, elegant, perfect!
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I can’t decide whether I liked or disliked Kate Winslet’s gunmetal gray dress with the black lace details. (Actually the more I look at the pictures, the less I like it: it looks like two gowns trying to mate.)
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I actually LIKE “statement jewelry” but the statement that huge-ass necklace Amy Adams made was screaming “get me some denim!” I wasn’t a big fan of her dress either--too much going on there.
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What were you thinking Jessica Biehl? You’re usually SO gorgeous but this ill-fitting ivory travesty with the big floppy bow covering one boob (and BLACK SHOES no less!!! Anybody with a lick of fashion sense knows you never do that!) She looked pissed off all evening (and I guess if I had to wear that I'd looked pissed off too--but I'd never go strapless.)
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Penelope Cruz went vintage but I think it was maybe a soupcon wedding cake-y for my taste.
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Tilda Swinton (as usual) was a hot mess in brown and tan ruffles (complete with hair that matched the blouse!)--although she looked a bit less of a hot mess than usual (which I guess is a good thing).
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Mylie Cyrus came of looking like a “White Trash” Cinderella--and not in a good way. Vanessa Hudgeons had a “what was she thinking?” moment in a black and white mess of a dress but at least she had Zac Effron as arm candy.
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You’d think Beyonce would have fared better since she wore a dress from her own line Dereon but you’d be wrong. The mermaid gown looked like it was made from really ugly upholstery velvet. Honey--the sofa called--it wants its cover back!
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I didn’t love Taraji P Henson in ivory but I kinda liked Viola Davis in “Oscar” Gold lame. (OK, maybe it was a little “Vegas” but I still liked it.)
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The latest fashion trend on the red carpet is “origami” inspired gowns--a truly fabulous idea (for the runway) but it doesn’t quite work out in real life. (All those lovely pleats don’t hold up in the “Real” World…) I liked Marisa Tomei’s cream-colored, multi-pleated affair but the dress rather overwhelmed her tiny frame. Heidi Klum turned the origami style into the ultimate “Fashion Don’t: her Oscar gown looked like she wrapped herself (badly) in scarlet satin. There’s no point in even talking about her awful “soccer mom” hair or the 3,000 pounds of jewelry that DID NOT go with the outfit.
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I suppose I could make snide remarks about Whoopi Goldberg’s leopard-print housecoat but, really, there’s only so much she can do with that body--and I have to give her props for taking some risks. (Frankly, I like her and I can forgive her quirky fashion sense.) Likewise I appreciate Phillip Seymour Hoffman as an Actor but he shouldn’t be allowed to dress himself. Like the Whoopster there’s only so much he can do with his doughy body but that cheap-looking, ill-fitting black-on-black tuxedo of his was just WRONG! And what was with that stupid-ass stocking cap? Who does he think he is--Samuel L. Jackson? (He’s the king of bad hats on the red carpet.) Phil gets my award for hands-down worst dressed at the Oscars. (He even managed to outdo Mickey Rourke in his Saturday Night Fever homage--and that was going some!)
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I couldn’t wrap this commentary up without commenting on Sophia Loren at the Oscars: she’ll never see 70 again but she still looks great and has a slammin’ (yes slammin’!) body. Too bad she was buried in literally tons of yellow ruffles that made her look like a gigantic lemon pie had exploded on her.
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The Oscars are always overlong and under-dramatic. I might wish they recognized style over substance (since I’m not a big fan of “substantial” movies) but it’s always nice when they recognize a “little movie that could” (like Slumdog Millionaire that walked off with eight Academy Awards--including Best Picture and Best Director.) Still, I found Hugh Jackman a refreshing host and I could even tolerate the new form. Hope they keep it up next year.
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‘nuff said

Coraline Is Peachy (In All THREE Dimensions)

“Coraline” is a shade of peach: Coraline is also a peachy movie. (Didn’t you read the title of this pos?) That being said it should be fairly obvious why I chose Peachy as today’s post.
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I came to see Coraline with two minds: part of me thought it looked like a fun, somewhat over-the-top animated movie that was written from a novel by Neil Gaiman (who wrote the novel for Stardust--which I enjoyed thoroughly) and was made by a lot of the same people who did The Nightmare Before Christmas (which I also thoroughly enjoyed--but didn‘t review.) Still, the movie was being done in a 3D format (and I had many bad memories of old-fashioned 3D movies where you had to were cheap, cardboard glasses with one red and one blue lens--and even then the effect was pretty crappy.) My glasses aren’t well suited for putting a second pair on with them so I wasn’t sure how well I was going to even be able to SEE this movie. Still, we had passes from Costco and there wasn’t a lot else I really wanted to see so we went…
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Before I say anything about the movie let me say this--the 3D ROCKS! The 3D FX are spectacularly done without being tacky or overdone. (There are no hands/arrows/rockets/spiders shooting out of the screen. The images simply lift off the screen that simply gives this movie a subtly richer texture. Sadly, Coraline won’t be shown in 3D much longer (I think it wraps up this week.) so I’d go check it out sooner rather than later.
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The movie is the story of young Coraline Jones (voiced by world-weary Dakota Fanning) who moves to a new home (a Victorian mansion that has been broken up into apartments). Her parents (voiced by Terry Hatcher and John Hodgman) have no time for her (and not much in the way of decemt food either!) and the rest of the adults around her are frankly--odd… Corlaine finds her way into another world where her “Other” Mother has plenty of time to make delicious dinners and always has time to play. The “other” home is filled with wonder but there’s something weird there too--everyone has button eyes (like a rag doll!) What follows is a cautionary tale of “be careful what you wish for because you just might get it!” as Coraline find out the truth about her “Other Mother” and what this world really is like with the help of a talking cat (Keith David)…
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The movie has a decidedly “Goth” sensibility: the colors are muted and everything is frankly stylized. There is some slightly horrific elements but nothing outright horrible here: still, I wouldn’t want to take a child under the age of eight (or older if they have delicate sensibilities). I found it generally charming although there were some pacing problems (slow at first, rushed near the end) but all in all I found it quite enjoyable--and the 3D effects really add to the atmosphere. Coraline isn’t for everyone but fans of movies like The Nightmare Before Christmas will likely enjoy this as well.
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FINAL GRADE B+

"Push" Pulls In Limited Audience

Sometimes it’s easy to chose fractals for my posts: other times it becomes virtually impossible. What do you do for a review of a movie called Push? I didn’t have an easily-relatable image so I simply had to create a “chain-of-association” so the image will at least be kindasorta related to the topic. Here’s the chain: Push is set in Hong Kong where “Gong He Fat Choy” is the traditional New Year’s greeting. And that is why I chose Gong He Fat Choy as today’s fractal. Now feel free to enjoy today’s review (unless you’ve made other plans).
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I knew I’d be going to see Push as soon as I saw the trailers for this movie: I’m a sucker for all things psychic--at least in books, movies and TV. (Check out my post A Love Letter Long Delayed (written February 20, 2007 if you‘re curious to know why.) I had such high hopes (like I always do) when I went to see this movie and I was sadly disappointed. Here’s why…
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Push is one of those movies that starts in the middle: there’s a brief explanation of how “Division” (the super-secret governmental bad guy organization) evolved to study and control those who have psychic powers and two brief scenes involving a woman under the control of Division and a scene with our hero as a young man who is told by his father (about to be killed) that help the girl who gives him a flower. Then the movie flashes-forward to a dump in Hong Kong where our hero telekinetic (called a “mover”) Nick Gant (played by Chris Evans in “schlub“ mode) is confronted by Division “Sniffers” (sort of a combination retro cognitive and locator) looking for a case (that will “bring down Division.”) What follows is a long, involved and sometimes confusing journey through the seamy side of Hong Kong where Nick and young “Watcher” (precognative) Cassie (Dakota Fanning) who wants Nick to help free her Mother from Division. (She set the whole plot in motion.) What follows is the adventures of a motley collection of losers who end up working together to get the case and defeat Division once and for all.
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I had some problems with this movie--mainly the structure: I felt like I was watching a series pilot. There were tons of pre-existing relationships that didn’t quite require explanations (but they would have been a huge help). Some of the universe lacked internal cohesion (“Bleeders” had a sort of sonic scream that could do some serious damage and it didn’t make sense within the rest of the story.) The effects were purely OK (I’d say television level) but I would like to have seen better. And, like a series pilot the movie ends without a full resolution. (Was this movie designed to be the first of a trilogy? I don’t know.) At least they did ONE thing right: they said that knowing the future changes it (while precog usually gets stuck in the position that once the future is predicted it is set in stone.)
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Push has a strong but limited appeal: fans of superhero and action movies will likely enjoy it (at least somewhat) although they might find fault with the effects. That being said, I doubt a lot of “ordinary” people could really enjoy this movie. In the end it is more worth renting than rushing out to the theater to see it.
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FINAL GRADE: B-

Anniversary Blog: The Year Of Waiting...

I published my first blog entry on Valentine’s Day 2007 (mainly because my lady-wife Robyn was tired of me bitching about stuff in the paper). I found it a fun and creative if sometimes frustrating outlet to express my opinions on any and every topic that interested me. Today marks the advent of Year Number Three and I hope many more blogs will follow. As always I will try to entertain and amuse you but most of all make you think.
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I chose an Arabic Square image for my first post: it was relative to absolutely nothing but I thought the image was pretty. It was the start of an annual tradition to use “Arabic Squares” for anniversary posts. For this year’s anniversary post I have chosen Arabic Square 89. Now you can sit back and enjoy my “year in blogging” review.
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If there was a theme for this year in my I suppose I could call it “the Year of Waiting.” Those of you (most of my readers) know that it began with Robyn’s father falling on February 2 and being taken him his home to a hospital in San Diego. The injury combined with his caner was enough to begin the long, slow decline with ended with his death in October. The waiting was hard for Robyn and the disposition of the estate is nothing short of a torturous process I learned a lot about patience and being supportive from this and a little about grief.
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This was also the year of waiting to move: Robyn’s boss had been threatening to move inland for three years--this year it finally happened. Word came down in mid-June and we were gone from the O.C. by early August. To be completely honest I really wasn’t looking forward to it but I have found life in the I.E. to be much more pleasant than I’d anticipated. ("Ah Corona! Where the air, like my dearest-darling Genevieve, always smells vaguely of horse crap.") Yes, it gets hotter AND colder here than it ever did on the Coast but we have all the shopping (generally staffed by nicer and more helpful clerks) and much less traffic. We still miss seeing our good friends and our church family in Huntington Beach but that’s about all I regret about losing in the move. (I never thought I'd admit it but we "upped" or quality of life!) We’re also not that far from the O.C. so we pretty much see them as often as we used to (and I find that a bit surprising: I thought we'd never see them again).
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It still amazes me how (relatively) close I moved but how far I have come and how different things are in the I.E. Here in the I.E. there are about as many Indian Casinos as there are Starbucks. (There is one on every other corner--or so it seems.) Indian “issues” get the big press out here rather than the Vietnamese issues (but at least we don't have Indians trying to shut down Indian-owned newspapers). The restaurant reviews in our local paper tend to cover delis, steak houses and smaller eateries where the average personal can actually afford to eat! We used to get reviews for nouvelle cuisine and “fusion” restaurants where the bill would be well over $100 for two (not including booze!) I was also amazed that the paper spent nearly a solid month covering complaints from people living on golf courses getting broken windows. (Never once heard about that in the OC.)
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This was also the year of waiting for the election. I was waiting to see how many time John McCain could shoot himself in the foot (first by his ongoing support for the Iraq War then choosing Sarah Palin as his running men to insisting there was “nothing wrong with the economy” as the Stock Market was going into the toilet and companies began folding right and left) and still keep standing. (At least he was gracious in defeat, unlike the conservative pundits--but I'll be writing a post on that later.) It seems that California is more ready to have a black man in the White House than to allow same-sex couples the right to marry. (Wish I could say that surprised me but it didn’t…) The absolutely saddest consequence of the election was a rise in gun sales as certain sections of society prepared for the worst (which at least so far hasn’t materialized.)
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Speaking of the War in Iraq--we’ll be approaching YEAR SIX (that’s two years longer than both World Wars!) with no end in sight. President Obama has promised that our troops will be out in sixteen months (so we can concentrate on Aphganistan) The crazies from al-Qida and still as crazy as they ever were. As time goes on I become more and more convinced that the only way we’re ever going to get out of this mess is to walk away from the entire Middle East and let them settle it themselves (and they won’t do THAT until they are fighting with sticks and rocks.)
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America’s “Weasel” Mike Carona finally got his day in court and skated on most of the charges. His only conviction for Witness Tampering while avoiding everything else made me wonder if the Jury suffered from improctocephaly but I wasn’t sitting in the courtroom every day. Still, this “gentleman” (and I use the term VERY loosely) will end his life as a convicted felon and at least everyone finally got a chance to see what a sleaze bucket he truly was. Now he’ll go back to the obscurity he so richly deserves. If I could thing to the disgraced former Sherriff it would be this: if you lie down with dogs why did you act surprised when you got up with fleas? (This was also the year that “Haidlgate” finally closed as Greg Haidl finally got out of jail. Now there’s only the civil suit filed by the victim to get through…)
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Robyn and I joined the rest of the world celebrating “Earth Hour” back on March 29 and vowed we’d be having an “Earth Hour” each and every Saturday. That lasted about a week but I'm not going to talk about why…
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Duane “Dog The Bounty Hunter” Chapman lost his reality show after tapes of him using racial slurs surfaced but he got it back several months later. Folks still haven’t forgiven Don Imus for his “oops” in 2007. Makes me wonder what the difference between these two are…
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Eliot Spitzer should be on his knees thanking God for (now former) Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich (sp?) who crashed and burned over a scandal where he was accused of trying to sell the former Senate Seat of Barak Obama. I refrained from commentary on that story because I couldn’t think of anything to say other than “Legoyabitch” was obviously negatively-affected by all the hair product he used on his helmet head…
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This has been an “interesting” year for movies, some surprisingly good that I didn’t expect to enjoy (Sex And The City) some big budget disappointments (Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull, Star Wars: the Clone War and Speed Racer). Some were just plain good no matter what the genre (Kung Fu Panda) and some were just plain raunchy fun (Forgetting Sarah Marshal, Zack And Miri Make A Porno). At least one movie was a bit overblown for my taste (Batman Returns) and there was one movie that I liked but not many others did (The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian). And this was also the year of the three most horrifying words in the annals of movie making--PIERCE BROSNAN SINGING (Mama Mia.) This year also saw The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button (a movie I didn‘t enjoy all that much) get nominated for thirteen Academy Awards (more than any other film) so obviously I don’t know squat about the movies.
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This year I learned there are crazed Elmo and Patsy fans (well at least Elmo fans) as one of them took major exception to comments I made in the most annoying Christmas songs.) Who’d have thought anyone cared enough to comment?
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Heath and Deborah Campbell of Holland Township New Jersey made national news and lit up the photosphere when a local supermarket refused to make a birthday cake for their son Adolph Hitler. Since then these “worthies” have lost custody of little Adolph and his two sisters JoyceLynn Aryan Nation and Hanszlynn Himler Jeannie. I wonder why…
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I ended up doing half a dozen things on the list of “43 Things I Could Be Doing Instead Of Watching The Super Bowl” only not the one thing I thought I would.
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Michael Phelps got suspended from Swimming Competition for three months, lost his Kellogg’s endorsement deal and got dropped by a speaker’s bureau since pictures of him taking a hit from a bong. What I’m wondering is why we’re all making such a big fuss in the first place, I guess only time will tell how many more “Lives” this guy has in the media or if he’ll take the train to obscurity.
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“Octo-Mom” Nadja Suleman is out of the hospital and still in hiding. (She AND her Publicist have been getting death threats--which is crazy in and of itself.) The more this story unfolds the worse it looks for her. She has no job and her family is cracking under the pressure. She denies taking Welfare but we know she’s already gotten food stamps and other federal benefits for her kids. She denies having had plasitic surgery but it looks like she has--and she claims to be getting support from her Church but said church claims they hardly know her. This train wreck just becomes more epic with each passing week! Turns out that the fertility specialist she used has a lousy track record for IVF success: what a time for his luck to change. She’s also started her own begging web site since she has no visible means of support and no prospects on the horizon. The more that comes out the more the public turns against her.
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So what will next year hold? I don’t know. Guess you’ll have to stay tuned and read all about it in my upcoming blogs…
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‘nuff said.

American Idol Season Eight: Attack Of The Screaming Queens

American Idol has crept its way back onto our television screens and into our collective consciousnesses. It’ll be the end of May before this year’s circus comes to its inevitable end as a new winner is chosen. That’s the reason I chose Crown Of Stars 8 for today’s fractal: at least the image has a tangential relationship to today’s topic.
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Honestly I don’t know why I keep watching American Idol--at least the early rounds. I love a train wreck, be it actual or emotional, but after a while I become numb after seeing so much carnage. I don’t enjoy listening to bad singers and it just makes me sad when I see delusional people have their dreams shattered (and frankly it always amazes me that there are so many delusional people around.) People after their “fifteen minutes of fame” get boring after a while and there are clearly a lot of these in the show. Although I find I frequently (gasp!) agree with Simon Cowell I find his comments needlessly cutting and just not too amusing. (Yes, I know the music business is rough and you have a thick skin if you want to be involved but do we REALLY need to see it play out on our TV screens?) Now the show has added a fourth Judge (Kara DioGardio) and some wicked new twists like having friends “sing off” against each other for spots on the show. But more than anything else I find myself wondering if this season of “Idol” has been hijacked by a phalanx of screaming queens. (I' m as straight dude but, believe me, I know a Queen when I see one! Trust me on this.)
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Each and every one of the judges is a screaming queen in their own right: they’re all straight but so what! Simon Cowell is a classic “Fussy Queen”, Paula Abdul (depending on the day) is either a “Ditz Queen” or a “Fashion Queen”. Randy Jackson is, of course, the Funky Queen” and the new judge is the panel’s “Butch Queen.” (And while we‘re on the subject of the new judge--could someone please explain to me what‘s up with adding a fourth judge? Isn‘t the show already overstuffed to begin with? Doesn‘t make a lot of sense to me…)
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And then we have the contestants--and what a lot they are…
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If Nathaniel Marshall were any more “Nellie” he’d have to change his name to Alison Arngrim and wear his hair in pigtails. Yes, he has a good, big, voice perfect for “Idol-style” singing but his attitude is just to “la-ha!” for words. Add to it the fact that he looks like he just escaped from the touring cast of Godspell, the facial piercing, weird hair and bad tats he’s just scary--and not in a good way.
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Tatiana Del Toro has earned the dubious distinction of being the most annoying person to ever have “graced” American Idol. I have a soft spot in my heart for the chunky gals: she’s pretty enough and can sing. (You might say she can even sang!). Still, everything with her is so completely over-the-top that she becomes a caricature. I’d think she was out for her “fifteen minutes” but she’s keeping up the act. Honest to God I cringe every time she’s on screen and not singing. I want to reach through the picture tube and slap her silly.
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Then we have Nick Mitchell who’s “alter ego” Norman Gentle comes off like Andy Dick doing a send-up of the show. The guy is good looking and has some serious pipes but his shtick is simply way too much and it gets old faster than Simon Cowell‘s sniping. I don’t think it’s going to fit well with the show or play well on screen. Maybe he should have tried out for Last Comic Standing.
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I don’t know what to make of Kristen McNamara. (Fold her this way she‘s a pterodactyl, fold her that way she‘s a cute paper hat!) Is she a rocker chick, a country girl (she certainly has “country” pipes) or something else entirely. I can’t believe they let her in over the girl she faced in the “sing off.” (Basically, she got through because she was cuter and weighed less: there, I’ve said it.)
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Adam Lambert looks to me like a pretty classic “Theater Queen.” He’s got good looks and a certain “Gothboi” style but I don’t know how well that’s going to go over in Middle America. Sorry to say it but I expect he’ll be gone soon…
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Stephen Fowler came off as a “hot ghetto mess" on stage. He’s another one I can’t believe they put through: it just gets harder as the weeks go by not easier. Maybe the producers want to have the first person to literally self-immolate on stage. I don’t like him: hope he goes quickly.
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Fowler leads off the category I call “Cannon Fodder” the contestants who don’t have a chance in hell of winning and will probably make an early exits. Joining him are Felicia Barton, Kendall Beard, Anne Marie Boskovich, Casey Carlson, Kai Kalama, Mischavonna Henson, Ju’Not Joyner, Jessie Langseth, Jorge Nunez (who‘s way too ethnic for Middle America), Jeanine Vailles, Alex Wagner-Trugman (who really seems like a nice kid but has a snowball‘s chance-in-hell of winning) and Stevie Wright (another young lady who seems nice enough but probably won’t make it past the preliminaries.)
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There are a few people failed to make an impression on me during the ramp up. These people include Kris Allen, Ricky Braddy. Megan Corkrey, Brent Keith, and Von Smith. If these people failed to make an impression on me they failed to make an impression on a lot of America: they’ll have a long hard road to climb out of this hole to make it to the top.
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Right now here are the people I actually like…
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Matt Breitzke and Michael Sarver: two family man from Middle America both a little chunky and less than conventionally handsome. Sarver has the better voice but I like Breitzke’s polite but in-your-face attitude and the rough quality of his singing style. I’m rooting for both of them.
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Anoop Desai: he looks like an Indian nerd and sings and dances like one of the classic Motown artists. He’s fun to watch on stage and should take the lingering memory of Sanjaya out of my mind. (No it won’t: I’ll never be able to froget that Ponyhawk no matter how hard I try…)
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Danny Gokey came in with a good story (wife recently passing away, coming to the try-outs with his BFF who didn’t make it at the very end but still stood by his friend) and his voice is quite good too. He’s got a certain style and some musical ability too.
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Alexis Grace:a funky-chick, single Mom with a big voice and a sweet attitude. I don't know if she has the talent to make it all the way and I have some severe doubts whether she should be leaving her young child for such a long time. Still, I hope she does well but I have a feeling she'll end up being another Brooke White.
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Scott MacIntyre: this guy is my sentimental favorite (because he’s virtually blind--making him, by definition, my people!) He’s also a fine singer and instrumentalist. What I worry about is that when he comes out from behind his piano he becomes a non-entity and this may well spell his doom in the competition.
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Lil Rounds (actually her “rounds“ are pretty big but she works it). A tough but kind, down-and-out Mom with a big, big voice! Dunno how she’ll do with varying styles but the soul songs she has done so far really shine.
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Taylor Vaifanua: what can I say? She’s six feet tall and built like a brick--you know . . . She’s also only sixteen but she’s still hot. Looking at her has got me thinking about Island Girl by Elton John. Yes, it’s official, I’m a dirty old man. There are three or four other contestants who round out the field but I don’t know enough about them to even give them a mention in this post.
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Of course it wouldn’t be “Idol” without a little controversy. Joanna Pacitti made the top 36 but got booted because she had connections with two executives in the production company. (These days the American Idol Producers are bending over backward to avoid even the appearance of impropriety. She was replaced by nonentity Felicia Barton who will make an early exit.
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So that’s the latest poop on American Idol. What will happen next? Who goes home? Only time will tell but I can only say that I hope the “attack of the screaming queens” ends soon.
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-nuff said.

My Favprote Classic Greens--Mondegreens That Is

I picked Squared Arabic 84 for one reason and one reason alone--the color. If you can’t figure out why that’s important please take a second to glance up at the title of this post it should come clear. (If you still can’t figure it out after THAT please stop reading my blog: it’ll just confuse you and I wouldn’t want to be responsible for your brain cramp.)
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I love “Mondegreens”--not sure why, maybe it's because I’ve suffered with the condition for a very long time. For those of you unlucky enough NOT to know what the term mondegreen is or where it comes from, read on and find out. According to Wikipedia (for what‘s THAT‘S worth) “a mondegreen is the mishearing or misinterpretation of a phrase, typically a standardized phrase such as a line in a poem or a lyric in a song, due to near homophony, in a way that yields a new meaning to the phrase. It should not be confused with soramimi which are songs that produce different meanings than those originally intended, when interpreted in another language.” (I'll be doing a post on my favorite soramimis later.) The term was coined by American author Sylvia Wright in a 1954 essay entitled The Death of Lady Mondegreen. A popular folk song of the time had this chorus…
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Ye Highlands and ye Lowlands,
Oh, where hae ye been?
They hae slain the Earl of Murray,
And Lady Mondegreen. (The REAL lyric, of course, was “And laid him on the green.” )
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Ms. Wright may well have been the first person to put a name to this particular phenomenon but it’s been going on for quite some time. Kids passed these church gems around for ages. Some of them I’ve actually heard but all of them are favorites…
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“Gladly, the CROSS-EYED BEAR” (Well, at least he‘s a pleasant cross-eyed bear! You can tell because he‘s “gladly.”) The real lyric is "Gladly, the cross I’d bear…"
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Here’s one from the 23rd Psalm: “Surely good MRS. MURPHY will follow me all the days of my life". (If you can’t figure this one out go get a Bible and look it up!) I just wanna know how "good" she really is since she's following you all the time. Does she clean up after you or what?
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Here’s a fun mangle from The Lord’s Prayer: Our father ART in heaven, HAROLD be thy name.” (OK, is our father “Art” or “Harold”?) Weirdly enough I once heard someone pronounce it as “Howard!” Here are some other Mondegreen mangles: “Our Father who HARD HIT KEVIN Thy king FLUNG DUNG…” It goes on to ask “Harold/Howard” to “Lead A SNOT into temptation” and to “deliver us a WEEVIL” or is it “a WEEBLE (TM)?”
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One of the fellow members of Creation Unlimited (from back in the dawn of time in the 1970s) who shall remain nameless to protect the guilty said he thought for the longest time the old hymn was called “The Old Rugged CROTCH”. (One word: eeew!)
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Here’s a delicious mess from Onward Christian Soldiers: “Christ our BROILED BASTARD LEANS against the PHONE”. (Personally I always thought it was “Christ our royal MASTIFF“ but maybe that‘s because I like Mastiffs…)
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Bringing In The Sheaves has been misheard as Bringing in the CHEESE, Bringing In The SHEEP and even Bringing in the SHEETS. (I thought the song was Bringing In The Sheets for years--but we hung or clothes out on a line way back when and when the wind came up you REALLY needed to bring in the sheets or they'd get dirty again…)
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Mike Andrews, former Choir Director at Community U.M.C. told me about a hymn called “Lead on, O KINKY TURTLE.” Still, looking for that hymn but I never thought of turtles as being particularly kinky.…
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Church music isn’t the only thing that gets the Mondegreen mangle: patriotic songs and sayings also go through the ringer. For example…
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“My country TISOVEE. Sweet land of LIBERTINES. Land where my fathers died. Land of the Pilgrim‘s BRIDE…”
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Or: “I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic FOUR WITCHES STANS.”
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Or maybe this delight from The Battle Hymn Of The Republic: “MYNIZA seen the glory of the coming of the BORED. She is trampling out the vintage where the GRAPE GIRAFFES are stored…” (Didn‘t Butterfly McQueen play “Miyniza“ in Gone With The Wind? And while I‘m on the subject of pointless questions--what are “grape giraffes“ anyway?)
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America The Beautiful gets this Mondegreen mangle: O beautiful for SPACESHIP skies, for amber waves of grain. For purple FOUNTAINS MAGIC TREES above the FRUITLESS plain. America, America, God SHARED his GRAPES WITH ME…”
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Here’s a bit from This Land Is Your Land. “…from California to the New York island. From the redwood forest to the GHOSTLY waters… Interesting…
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There’s a whole web site devoted to misheard “Rock and Roll” lyrics. Check out Kissthisguy.com to see if your favorite is there. I’ll be providing a list of my favorite misquotes in another post--later. In the meantime…
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… ‘nuff said.

In This Case Eight Is MORE Than Enough

Usually I write a post first and then find a fractal that relates to what I’ve written. When I was looking for a suitable fractal for my last post I came across A Strange Little Woman and knew it would be perfect for a commentary on the “Octo-Mom.” (Not that I have anything original to say--or likely hasn‘t been said better elsewhere but I‘d like to vent…)
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As of today (February 5) Nadia (sp?) Suleman has been released from the Kaiser Permanente Hospital in Bellflower (California) and promptly went to ground without speaking to anyone. Rumor has it that she’s “looking for the right offer” before she tells her story and releases pictures of the precious little tots. Sources claim she wants two million dollars for the story and exclusive pics and other “sources say she wants a TV talk show. Is it true--nobody knows but we DO know she’s hired not ONE but TWO Publicists to help her navigate this troubled river. (Why she didn’t hire a psychologist for some major counseling is beyond me--but I suppose that’s a topic for another time…)
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I’m not a member of the press but I have a few questions. Here’s the first one--Nadia honey--have you lost your mind??? No, let me rephrase that--when did you lose your mind?
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Here are some other questions… What made you think being a divorced single mother (living with your parents no less) who already HAD six kids (and no visible means of support) that having more babies was a good idea? How did you think you were going to raise 14 kids? Did you consider how this would impact the kids you already have and your poor parents who got sucked into the middle of this? How ’bout the neighbors who have TV trucks from all over the world parked on their street 24-7? Where did you find a fertility specialist to implant 8 embryos (and where did you get the money to pay for the procedure?) Did you really think your friends, neighbors and the community would actually support you in this crazy endeavor? Did you really expect to get a TV Deal and major fame from birthing a litter? And last but not least--did you think you and your “little” family would end up as anything BUT some sort of sick sideshow?
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I guess we’re going to have to wait for the book/magazine spread/Oprah Interview to get all the answers but personally I suspect Ms. Suleman didn’t think about anything other than the fact that she wanted more babies. Does she have some sort of psychological condition that should be looked into? Honestly I don’t know (although I think maybe she does). I’m pretty sure the public won’t embrace her and her family as anything more than a curiosity but I could be wrong. I suppose I can understand her reticence about giving up some of the unborn children once it was clear that they all “took” but I simply can’t fathom why she (or any reasonable medical professional) would allow this to happen in the first place. Honestly I wish Ms. Suleman and her brood nothing but the best but I just don’t see their lives ending up like that.
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‘nuff said.

The Baron Weighs In On The Michael Phelps "Non"troversy

A post about Michael Phelps demands something gold (in honor of all those Olympic Medals). He is a star (at least in once sense of the word) so Gold Star seemed like a fine choice. That being said--on with today’s rant.
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The latest “tempest in a teapot” involves photos of multiple Olympic-medal winner Michael Phelps taking a marijuana hit from a bong at party while visiting the University of North Carolina last November. The photos were first published by a British Tabloid then bought by Star Magazine for saturation in the United States. Phelps was quick to admit the photo was genuine and issue an apology and promise his fans that it would “never happen again.” Personally I want to know if he’ll never smoke pot again or if he just won’t let himself be photographed doing stupid sh#t--but I guess that’s just the cynic in me.
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Media pundits are quick to complain about how this incident has “tarnished” Michael Phelps reputation as a role model but the general public doesn’t seem to care one way or another. The pundits wonder where the public outrage is: nobody really seems to care. Maybe it was because Phelps was quick to issue an apology or maybe it was because folks realized he’s a 23 year old kid with tons of money and access to the highlife. What did they really expect to happen? Personally I think we have a lot more important things to be outraged out than one guy doing something dumb.
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As for me, it didn’t change my opinion of Michael Phelps in the least--mainly because I didn’t think that much of him to begin with. When you break it down to it’s simplest level all Phelps did was take advantage of his genetically freakish body (long arms and legs, flipper feet and gigantic hands) to best advantage. Yes, what he did was pretty amazing (Lord knows 99.99993853% of the populace could come nowhere near the feat) but, come on people, the feat was SWIMMING! Could someone please tell me what’s so special about that? In all honesty what’s the point of choosing someone who can swim fast as a role model? It just doesn’t make a lot of sense to me…
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Ten years from now if Michael Phelps is doing cancer research, leading the fight against world hunger or even teaching kids in the inner city I’d be happy to make him a role model. However, if all he accomplishes is managing to hold a few records for a while then he deserves obscurity. I have hopes but I really doubt we’ll hear much from the big guy.
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Think about it.