Today’s post begins with a fractal called Chakra Spiral. It has nothing to do with anything: I just picked it because I liked the image and I thought the blog needed a shot of color. That being said, on with the review!-
Monday Robyn and I went to see the current box-office champ Jumper. I wasn’t expecting much since I’d read several reviews and seen extensive coverage of the press tour on KTLA. (20th Century Fox paid for Sam Rubin and about 20 other journalists to visit Cairo and Rome for a week) so I wasn’t expecting a lot--and I wasn’t let down.
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15 year-old loser Dan Rice (Haden Christiansen) discovers powers of teleportation after an accident sends him into an icy river. Since his home life is total crap and he has no friends Dan decides to simply fade away and let everyone think him dead. The movie then skips ahead five years to find Dan is living the high life as a NYC Playboy (making his money by robbing banks--he even leaves I.O.U.s) where he ends running afoul of the “Paladin“ Roland--played by Samuel L. Jackson in full “badass“ mode. We later learn that “Paladins” are a well-funded and highly organized group of fanatics who have been hunting “Jumpers” for years since "only God should have the power to be everywhere at once.”) Dan barely manages to escape Roland’s attack and, for reasons I can’t fathom. decides to go back home to find his old girlfriend Sarah (Rachel Bilson). Dan whisks Sarah off to Rome for a romantic holiday. At the Roman Coliseum they encounter another Jumper (played by Jamie Bell) who for reasons never explained has been tracking Dan for ten years--even though they look to be roughly the same age. What follows is a “round the world” chase and battle the Paladins and theJumpers. A weird subplot involving Dan's mother (played by Dianne Lane) who has a secret of her own is thrown in--but that makes no more sense than the rest of the story.
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I have so many problems with this movie I don't know where to begin. Haden Christiansen is pretty enough but he has the charisma of a limp dishrag and no chmistry with his leading lady. Jamie Bell’s motives are never explained--nor is much of anything else. Worse yet, Jumper doesn’t even stick to its own plot conceits--making any half-way aware watcher go “huh? How’d that happen?” There are more hole in the plot than you’d find in the average 100 pound wheel of Swiss Cheese and the story changes facts from begining to end--making for a confusing mess. Instead the movie relies on fast pace, cool teleportation effects and shots of famous places. (The movie had locations as diverse as Rome, the Pyramids of Giza, Paris, Tokyo, and New York City. (Maybe they had such a big travel budget they couldn’t afford decent actors or writers.)
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Is Jumper the worst movie I’ve ever seen? Not by a long shot--but it comes close. It is the worst movie I’ve seen since I’ve been reviewing movies on this blog. There is nothing worthwhile here for anyone who is half way rational--yet somehow this was the Number One movie at the Box Office this week--and may repeat that feat next week so what does it say about my credentials as a critic? Do yourself and everyone else a favor and avoid this colossal turkey.
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FINAL GRADE: F
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