2010 Acadeny A-"Bores"

So the 2010 Academy Awards has come and gone and since I know y'all are breathlessly waiting for my taken on the affair I won't disappoint.  Today's fractal "cookie" is called Gilded (in honor of "Oscar" of course.)  So--on with the review!
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Ho-hum--another award season has come and gone with a snoozefest of truly epic proportions.  This show was about as deadly dull as they come (so dull in fact we couldn't manage to watch the entire telecast).  From the duel hosts, (Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin) who simply weren't that funny to lame comedy bits (has Ben Stiller EVER been funny at the Oscars?) to a couple of production numbers shoehorned in that were just odd.  (I LOVED Neli Patrick Harris at the Tony Awards but his opening number was nowhere near Hugh Jackman's tour de force performance from  last year's telecast and LXD should have stood for "Listless and Excedeingly Dull" instead of Legion of Exgtraordinary Daners.  Worse, there weren't any surprises in the awards or any contraversial speeches to complain about: in fact, the whole telecast seemed scrubbed of anything remotely scandalous or salacious.  (Come on guys--not ONE Tiger Woods joke?)  At least there were a lot of fashion to bag on.  SO--on with the bagging!
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First the good...
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Sandra Bullock collected Oscar golden is beaded silver and, as always, looked spectacular in beaded silver.  Vera Farmiga looked as lovely as a long-stemmed red rose in her red, petaled gown.  Helen Mirren and Meryl Streep looked elegant and age-appropriate (and they so often don't do very well at these kind of events).  Anna Kendrick represented for the sweet young things in rose-petal pink.  Gabouray Sudabay represnted for the "big girls" proving that enough money and time ANYBODY can rock the Red Carpet.  Queen Latifa also looked "fabu" in a one-shouldered lilac satin gown with crystal-beaded detail.
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The "almst had its" included...
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Sigourney Weaver almost rocked the Red Carpet in this one-shouldered red-dress with a jeweled pin at the shoulder but then she had that indifferent hairstyle and she put this black ribbon detail that just cut her off weirdly.  Maybe next time Siggy-baby...  Mo'Nique looked elegant in blue but she felt the need to honor Hattie McDaniels by wearing a gardenia in her hair and it just ruined the whole effect.  (I understand she feels a special connection to this woman but COME ON!  It's time to move on...)  Miley Cytrus and Amanda Seyfried looked elegant in old-Hollywood glamour and looked great--for ladies in their forties... 
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And now the bad...
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Usually-stunning Sarah Jessica Parker looked nothing short of ridiculous in a yellow satin sack with this bizarre floral detail at the neck and back.  And we can't leave SJP without commenting on the "hair tumor" that was larger than her entire head.  Some fashonistas have said this was a "statement piece": if so that statement was " help!  I'm being swallowed by couture!"  She (and we) will be having nightmares for years to come.
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Dianne Kruger couldn't decide which of three dresses to wear to the Academy Awards so she stitched them together and became the Frankenstein's Monster of Oscar fashion.
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Jennifer Lopez wrapped herself in acres of fabric with this huge weird hip detail  that she couldn't move in.  So much for the "entrance" dress...
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Demi Moore wore or orange dress that just matched the color of her "mystic tan."  Then there were the acres and acres of ruffles that added way too much volume in the lower parts.
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There were only two words for the frothy confection that started out lavender and ended up black that Zoe Saldana chose: MUPPET DRESS!  She said she chose the dress because it "mirrored" her Avatar journey.  Maybe she shoudl have looked in a mirror before she left the house...  
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Maggie Gyllenhall chose a hand-painted blue satin number that ended up looking like something she could have picked up at Hilo Hattie's.  It might have worked at the runway show in Paris but it didn't work on the Red Carpet.
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No "Oscar" review would be complete without a mention of Charlize Theron and her lavender satin "cinaboobs".  A rare misstep for the usually spectacular blonde.
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This year's Red Carpet didn't have a Mickey Roarke moment for the men: most guys were blandly handsome (although it's a sad day when Zac Efron was the prettiest woman on the Red Carpet).  Still, you have to mention Robert Downey Jr. in sneakers and sloppy tux as well as Woody Harrelson who was just generally underdressed.  (But, then again,) he usually is.
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Leaving fashion, I need to take a moment to complain to the Academy about a couple of things: you guys included Michael Jackson who started in exactly ONE MOVIE in the list of those who passed (not to mention a bunch of people few but Hollywood insiders ever heard of) but left out Farrah Fawcett and Bea Arthur.  Worse, Star Trek was virtually snubbed (except for a couple of minor awards: yeah, it's a TV Reboot but so what?  It was still a darn good movie (and way better than District Nine that got nominated for Best Picture!)  What's up with that???
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So now the Awards season has come to a close.  See you again next year to dish on the good, bad and indifferent.
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'nuff said.

Alice: the Next Generation

In The Cards seems like an appropriate fractal image for my review of Alice In Wonderland not only for the "card" imagery but because of he red and white color scheme.  So--on with the review.
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If ever there was a Director "destined" to work on a new version of Alice In Wonderland I suppose it would be Tim Burton.  After all, he helmed projects like the screen adaptation of Sweeney Todd, as well as Edward Sciscrhands, not to mention quirky classic like Ed and Sleepy Hollow (all of which starred Johnny Depp--who also happens to have a featured role in this movie.)  I found it a bit surprising that this new "Alice" would come from the Disney Studios (who released the psychoedlic cartoon version some forty-odd years ago).  This is clearly an "Alice" for the next generation: I just wish it had been better.
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Viewers should know this movie isn't a remake of Alice In Wonderland--it's a sequel.  (I've seen a number of reviews that call the movie a remake and frankly it bugs me.)  Those expecting unrelenting cuteness won't find it in this Alice--nor will they find the psychedlia of the Disney cartoon.  This "Underland" is a dark and quirky place that has a certain murky beauty and quirkiness to spare.   Visually the movie is quite striking although in all honesty I don't think the 3DFX added anythink (unlike Avatar where they really took the movie to another level).  The Red Queens "cards" were the best depiction I'd ever seen but the rest of the visualizations didn't rise above the pedestrian.
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As for the story--this movie is nothing special: Alice is a product of repressive Victorian England and longing to break free of all the expecations placed on a girl of her station.  Once she arrives in "Underland" Alice finds the locals have expectations of their own.  Along the way there is villany aplenty and plenty of characters with motives and behavior as chaotic as you'd expect.  How does Alice dea?  Will she save Underland and gain her own sense of identity?  You'll have to see the movie to find out.  Suffice it to say you probably already know the answer.
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Mia Wasikowska (love that name!) is pretty as a picture as Alice and does well-enough with what she's given.   Johnny Depp (as the Mad Hatter) and Helena Bonham Carter (as the Red Queen) give a "been there, done that" performances in their roles.  Ann Hathaway didn't leave much of an impression as the White Queen but almost any pretty actress could have filled the role.  Stephen Fry and Michael Sheen leave surisingly little presence as the Cheshire Cat and the White Rabbit.  Still, you can't blame them since they can only work with what the script gives them.  Alan Rickman channels Severus Snape as the Caterpillar: I found that a bit distracted since I kept visualizing the "Harry Potter" villain.  (Is he the "go to" guy for Officious Englishmen?)
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I wanted to love this movie: really I did.  Alice In Wonderland has been a favorite since childhood,  I appreciate Tim Burton and Johnny Depp and their quirkiness.  I was hoping for a lot from this movie and it simply--didn't--deliver.  This version of Alice In Wonderland suffers from the unpardonable sin of being ORDINARY.  Was it a good movie?  Yes.  Was it $12 for a matinee good (In Riverside California)?  Not hardly.  Still, I suspect I'm in the minority: this movie made over 116 MILLION DOLLARS domestically in its opening weekend (shattering all kinds of Box Office rexords.)  Showings sold out all over and there were tons of people waiting in the line (in the rain no less) to get in.  Most people in the theater really seemed to enjoy the show so maybe you'll have to go and decide for yourself.
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FINAL GRADE: C+