Another Summer Season has come to an end so it’s time for this year’s RON AWARDS! Some of the categories will be repeats and some new. So--hit the Red Carpet, break out the champagne and put our your finest designer duds it’s time to head on to our glorious awards show!-
The “THEY ACTUALLY PUT AN ACTOR IN THE SUIT?” AWARD goes to Iron Man and Robert Downey Jr. The lead spends half the movie in a full suit of armor. True the armor is pretty spectacular and Robert Downey Jr. was no doubt laughing all the way to the bank since he didn't have to show up for those scene.
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The DIDN’T I SEE THIS MOVIE IN THE 80’S? AWARD goes to MADE OF HONOR. It was a pleasant-enough movie but we’ve seen it all before--twenty years ago. The NOT READY FOR THE BIG SCREEN AWARD goes to Patrick Dempsey. “Doctor McDreamy” needs to check back into Seattle Grace and be glad he has a hit TV Series.
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The UTTERLY OBNOXIOUS AWARD goes to What Happens In Vegas. Ah--if only it had stayed there . . . Ah well--at least Ashton Kutcher has his production company and career as an Assistant Football Coach to fall back on for money.
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The OOPSIE AWARD goes to Speed Racer. This hugely expensive, almost perfect (maybe too much so) translation of the Japanese anime cult classic tanked at the Box Office thanks to bad promotion and general lack of buzz. The movie also get the WOW! WHAT A TRIP AWARD for the eye-popping visuals (the only thing that makes this movie worthwhile).
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The ULTIMATE RECYCLE AWARD goes to Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Crystal Skull. Beautifully crafted, as you’d expect from George Lucas and Stephen Spielberg--but this movie is a tired retread of the whole franchise. It was fun but so much less than I expected. At least they brought back Karen Allen--who still looks amazing after twenty-plus years away from making movies. This movie also gets the WHAT THE F##K??? AWARD for its frankly bizarre ending.
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The AWESOME ANIMATION AWARD goes to Kung Fu Panda. Yes, the plot is completely predictable but the movie offers the perfect blend of action, comedy and heart in exactly the right proportions.--and the animation is, of course, awesome! The afore-mentioned Panda was the role Jack Black was born to play. I believe this will go down as one of the true classics of animation.
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The AT LEAST HE KNOWS HIS AUDIENCE AWARD goes to Adam Sandler for Don’t Mess With The Zohan. I don’t get the guy--really I don’t--but his audience ate this up. Ah well--at least it wasn’t a complete turkey like last year’s dismal disaster I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry.
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The HE REALLY SHOULD STICK TO WHAT HE KNOWS AWARD goes to Mike Myers for The Love Guru. It just wasn’t funny and not even endless promotion and the presence of Vern Troyer and Justin Timerlake could give this turkey wings. Ah well--I hear he’s signed up to do another “Austin Powers” movie as well as yet another installment of “Shrek.” Maybe they’ll get his career back on track.
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The “AT LEAST IT WAS BETTER THAN THE FIRST ONE” AWARD goes to The Incredible Hulk. A new Directly, largely new cast and a villain capable of giving the green guy a run for his money saved this outing from being an existential nightmare like the previous outing. Will it be enough to save the franchise? Dunno, but I’m thinking not--since the most notable comment was the cameo by Iron Man and the briefest glimpse of Captain America.
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The BEST LEAP FROM SMALL TO BIG SCREEN AWARD goes to Sex And The City. This was THE “chick flick” of the summer season--yet it even managed to appeal to men and people who weren’t fans of the series. Will a sequel be far behind?
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The “PAINFULLY CUTE” AWARD goes to Wall-E. You’ve got to give Disney/Pixar propos for building a movie around a lead who doesn’t speak (yet still manages to communicate GOBS of emotion) and they also score major points excellence in animation. Still, the extended “cutseypoo” scene and the ham-handed message manage to sink the movie for anyone over the age of six.
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The “INTERESTNG PREMISS” AWARD goes to Hancock--played so well by Will Smith. The first hour was spectacular and completely original but the movie winds up in the Land of Typical. Still, Smith makes the whole thing completely watchable. Yes, Hancock could have been better but it offered everything you could wish for in a summer movie.
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The “IT WAS SO MUCH BETTER THAN EVERYONE EXPECTED” AWARD goes to Kitt Kittridge: a tale of an American Girl. Toy-based movies are always suspect (at best) but this one proved to be surprisingly good. It opened against Hancock but managed to hold it’s own against the blockbuster.
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The “WHERE WILL THEY GO FROM HERE?” AWARD goes to the makers of The Dark Knight. It was long and spectacular--but maybe too much so. There was so much spectacle and content that I find myself wondering where they’re going to go from here.
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And while we’re talking about The Dark Knight--the “IF HE DOESN’T GET AN OSCAR, THERE’S NO JUSTICE” AWARD goes to Heath Leger for his portrayal of The Joker. The performance was subtle with an undercurrent of madness that made his role all the more frightening for it. Yes, he really is that good.
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The COUNTER PROGRAMMING AWARD goes to Mama Mia. The movie makers deliberately chose to open this movie against The Dark Knight knowing it would appeal to a completely different type of movie-goer--and the strategy worked! It was the best opening for a movie musical EVER and the Box Office hasn’t dropped off much since then. Kudos to you!
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And while we’re covering Mama Mia lets give out two more awards… The “IS THER ANYTHING SHE CAN’T DO?” AWARD goes to Meryl Streep. She sings, she dances, she even makes you believe the wildly bipolar emotions of a musical heroine--and she never drops out of character ONCE! The BIGGEST CASTING MISTAKE AWARD goes to Pierce Brosnan. He can carry a tune but what he does in this movie can hardly be called “singing”--and is acting and dancing can best be described as “wooden.” His every expression (since it’s the only one he has in the movie) seems to say “what the hell have I gotten myself into here?” And that’s too bad--because I generally like him as an actor.
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The WORST ANIMATED MOVIE AWARD goes to Space Chimps. You could forgive bad animation if the plot was remotely original or if the thing was even remotely funny! Too bad this one missed on all counts…
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The RODNEY DANGERFIELD AWARD goes to Brendan Fraser. He opened two action movies this summer and got blasted for both of them. Too bad because pretty much everything he has done is watchable (with the exception of Dudley Doright--which we’d all like to forget.) True, Journey to the Center of the Earth won’t usher in a new era of “Three D” movies and The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor has its painful moments but at least they’re FUN! What more can you ask for in a summer movie?
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The NOT *REALLY* THIS YEAR’S *BOURNE ULTIMATUM* AWARD goes to Traitor. Somebody needs to tell the Producers that “action” and “thought-provoking” generally don’t mix well in movies. Hopefully this won’t prevent Terrance Howard from making the leap from “Supporting Actor” and “Black” Movie Star to mainstream stardom.
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The “YEAH, LIKE THAT’S ACTUALLY GOING TO HAPPEN” AWARD goes to Swing Vote. Kevin Costner’s charm saves this unlikely movie from complete drek. It’s a nice fantasy that the “common man’ can still make a difference”. The public roundly ignored this mess--which is too bad ‘cause it was actually sort of a good movie…
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The “NEEDLESS REMAKE” AWARD goes to Death Race. Deathrace 2000 was a schlock “Z” grade funfest with some sly social commentary slipped in so cleverly most movie-goers missed it. This new version is sexed up and the violence is amped up for the video game generation. They should have just made a video game.
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The “BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT” AWARD goes to Star Wars: the Clone War. This could have been a perfect opportunity to take the “Star Wars” franchise to the next level: too bad Lucasfilms decided to put out this crap. Don’t waste your time or money on this piece of crap.
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The CRASH AND BURN (BUT NOT IN A GOOD WAY) AWARD goes to Vin Diesel. Once upon a time he was Box Office Gold but his movies have been making less and less money with each go-round. His latest effort, Babylon A.D. couldn’t even make it to Number One at the Box Office against a movie that had been out for three weeks. Ah well--maybe next time Vin…
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The HOW FAR THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN AWARD goes to Christopher McDonald. Back when he was young and hunky--calling himself “Chris”--he had a string of Box Office smashes. Now he’s fortyish and puffy--and stuck doing “Z Grade” movies. How sad . . .
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And speaking of that--Christopher McDonald’s latest “Z Grade” schlockfest inspires our next-to-last presentation. The “STICK TO ACTING HONEY” AWARD goes to Anna Farris for The House Bunny. She wrote, starred in and served as one of the Producers for the movie--and fought hard to make sure that it WAS made. Too bad the movie was so unrelentingly awful.
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The “WAY TO END THE SUMMER “AWARD goes to Tropic Thunder. I’m a bit surprised this big success was released so late in the season--but that might be part of the reason it is doing such big business. Still, it was a pretty bodacious way to end the summer.
RON’ “TOP FIVE” SUMMER MOVIES
1) THE DARK KNIGHT: the only way to describe this is an “epic” super-hero movie with an Oscar-worthy performance by Heath Ledger in his last role. (Who would have ever thought “Oscar worthy” and “super-hero movie” would be mentioned in the same sentence?)
2) HANCOCK: because Will Smith IS King of the July 4 Weekend Box Office--and it was a pretty interesting movie in its own right.
3) MAMA MIA: it was counter-programming GENIUS to open the movie opposite The Dark Knight. Mama Mia had an excellent “per screen” average and kept making money for weeks! (Just what every theater owner wants to see!)
4) KUNG FU PANDA: this is just a darn good little movie for ANY season.
5) IRON MAN: the “thinking man’s super-hero movie”.
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Oh, and today’s post began with a fractal called Handful of Stars. It seemed appropriate for an “awards” post.
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