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I've always had a fascination with John Carter even though I never managed to read the novels by Edgar Rice Burroughs (creator of Tarzan for those of you not in the know). When I heard they were finally turning into a movie I was really excited. I hadn't been more excited to see a movie since Cowboys And Aliens. Sadly, like Cowboys and Aliens I was sorely disappointed. Watching John Carter on screen I found myself flashing back to "C%A" but not in a good way.
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John Carter (Taylor Kitsch--who I've never heard of before) is a done as a pretty standard anti-hero (in this case a Civil War vet who gets zapped to the planet Mars) where he finds his soul and unites warring factions to fight a bigger menace. (Sounds like Cowboys And Aliens doesn't it?) The other characters are cardboard as well who exist only to move the story ahead. Worse, the slow pace and overly talky first half make the two hour plus running time seem more like four.
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The movie reportedly cost upwards of 250 million dollars but I sure didn't see it on the screen. Yes, there were lots of animated four-armed martians (well enough done and looking a lot like 3D versions of Boris Vallejo art) and some cool-looking critters. The ships reminded me a lot of those I'd seen in Cowboys And Aliens (not a good thing considering the similarities of the two films) The script didn't thrill me (although there was a nice, completely unexpected bit of a twist at the end that was pretty darn cool). Worse, Robyn and I shelled out an additional seven bucks to see it in 3D--NOT worth it! (In fact the 3D FX were virtually unnoticeable.)
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I really wish I'd have had something better to say about the movie but I just don't. The nicest thing I could say is that Robyn didn't hate it as much as I did--but even she didn't love it. There's really no reason to rush out to the theater to see this--or buy it when it comes out on DVD. Rent it if you must see it--or better yet wait 'til it comes out on HBO or Showtime (if you have a premium movie network).
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FINAL GRADE: C- (and that's being kind)
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