Defending Stupidity: Perez Hilton Vs. Miss California

It's spring and the latest "tempest in a teapot" has been lighting up the airwaves and the blogosphere (and distracting us from stuff that really matters.) Since the story doesn't seem to be going away I decided to add my two cents to the debate (since I have nothing relevant to say regarding the important stories of the day.) Spring Storm is an easy and obvious choice for the post. Now--on with the rant!
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It's the story that WILL NOT go away--no matter how much we want it to. Last Sunday night (April 19) openly gay "celebrity blogger" Perez Hilton asked Miss California USA Carrie Prejean the "question heard 'round the world" on whether or not she approved of same-sex marriage. Miss Prejean said she was against it because of her Christian belief--which angered Hilton to the point that he blasted her on his blog--calling her (and I quote) a "dumb bitch." Five days later the tempest still rages. It's hard to decide the biggest idiot in this story, Hilton, Miss California USA or all the folk who simply won't let this go. Personally, I think they should all be awarded dunce caps and sent to the back of the class.
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Here's why...
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ALL contestants in the Miss USA Pageant are given the questions IN ADVANCE. Contestants don't know which question they'll get but they still have an opportunity to prepare their responses. Carrie Prejean said she knew the question was coming yet still gave a stumbling, inarticulate answer almost on a level with the (in)famous reply in the Miss Teen USA Pageant a few years ago. Beauty pageant contestants are schooled in the fine art of "dancing a little sidestep" to avoid awkward situations. Perez Hilton and (according to Donald Trump) other judges scored her down--thus costing Miss California the crown.
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That should have been that but Monday (April 20) Hilton posted a video on his blog that set a match to the powder keg. Perez Hilton had every right to make an ass of himself (those who follow his career know he's good at that) and he's never been shy about expressing his feelings. He also, IMHO, had every right to score her down for her answer. Still, if the question of journalistic responsibility doesn't come up, the idea of common sense should. Hilton doesn't see himself as the defender of same-sex marriage rights: he claims he's simply one person expressing his opinion. Still, someone with as such a high profile as Perez Hilton ends up (intentionally or not) a cause and his ill-chosen words end up doing more damage than good.
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As for all the bloggers, and TV Talking Heads, there's one thing they fail to point out. Yes, Carrie Prejean lost the title of Miss USA but she gained so much more in publicity. Do you even know without looking it up who won this year's title? (It's Kristen Dalton of North Carolina: I looked it up for you.) If Miss California plays her cards right she'll have a much bigger career than the girl who won the pageant.
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Me, I have loads of problems with this story from all sides. FIRST: with everything going on in the country and world today--why is this even an issue? (Still, I'm wasting space in my blog and you're wasting time reading my rant--so obviously I'm a contributor to the problem.) SECOND: there's a bit of a disconnect for me when I think of a young lady who puts herself out as an advocate of traditional Christian values yet struts herself in stiletto heels and a teeny-weenie bikini as a sex object. (Somehow that doesn't equate with traditional Christian values to me.) Miss Prejean is free to espouse ANY values she chooses: we should respect and applaud her for that. Still, others (the Judges) have just as much right to disagree and score her down. Nobody should be complaining about "unfairness." It is what it is: deal with it and move on. As for Perez Hilton--he really needs to be a bit more responsible for what he puts out in the world. His words and actions affect others and last much longer than the few minutes it took to post a rant.
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'nuff said.

Rock 'n Roll On The Green: Mondegreen That Is

Today's post begins a new era in my blogging career--the day I start composing my blogs directly on Blogspot; my computer has developed a delightful new bug in that when I tried to compose something on MSWord and transfer it to Windows Mail it shuts down both programs. So form now on it looks like I'll have to hand copy my blog entries or simply plan to type and edit them in directly. Ah well--enough with the complaining lets get on with the post!

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Way back in December I promised you a post on Rock 'n Roll Mondegreens--it took me a while but here it is. The fractal, Squared Arabic 54, was chosen for one reason and one reason only. To quote Mr. Scott from Star Trek--"it's green!" That being said lets get to the good stuff. WARNING: some of the content below may be a bit racy so the easily offended should STOP READING NOW.

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It turns out there's a scientific reason people come up with oddly twisted lyrics for song. British researchers determined there was an unconscious visual component to speech. We humans are lip-readers all unaware and are far more likely to mis-hear something if we can't see lips moving. (Singing magnifies the problem) Still, it makes for some truly amusing moments in song listening--and some of us (read me) are more prone to the problem than others.

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There are three misheard lyrics (so misheard by so many) that they have become part of the popular culture. (Many people believe the mangled lyrics are what is actually being sung.) I've misheard ALL of them--in just this way so here they are:

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1) from Bad Moon Rising by Credence Clearwater Revival. "Don't go out tonight/they're bound to take your life/there's THE BATHROOM ON THE RIGHT." (The "bathroom on the right" is actually a "BAD MOON ON THE RISE".)

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2) from The Joker by the Steve Miller Band: "some people call me Maurice 'cause I speak of the POMPATISS of love". (Could someone tell me what the hell is a "pompatiss?") The correct word is PROPERTIES but you couldn't prove it by me or the millions of listeners who have heard it the other way.

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3) Jimi Hendrix gave us "'scuse me while I KISS THIS GUY." The real words are "'scuse me while I KISS THE SKY" (although you have to wonder if Jimi had had a few drinks in him and the light wasn't too bright what would have happened...) This lyric spawned a wed site (kissthisguy.com) and an entire cottage industry of mangled masterpieces. (Check it out if you have some time. There's some cute stuff there--and some kinda dumb stuff too.)

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Here are some of my own personal "Mondegreens" presented for your listening and dancing pleasure.

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Tim McGraw sings in Let It Go: "ELEPHANTS and GOATS are standin' in the shadows..." The real "critters" in the shadows are SKELETONS and GHOSTS but really I like my version better.

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Gavin DeGraw has given me pause in a couple of his songs. In I Think You Cheated On Me I SWEAR he says of his girl "she stepped into someone else's eyes, someone else's arms, someone else's OBVIOUS POO." In I'm In Love With A Girl he lets us know "she knows how to treat a PECKER RIGHT..."

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Another song that has been on the charts recently is I Love You by Ingrid Michaelson in which she tells the world "I love you more than MICHAEL LOVES A PRIMATE". Well--Michael (Jackson) DOES love a primate--or at least he did (remember Bubbles the Chimp?) but the real words are "I love you more than I COULD EVER PROMISE"

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Sometimes people come up with different mangles for the same lyric. For example in You Picked A Fine Time To Leave Me Lucille by Kenny Rogers I hear the line "four UGLY children and a COP in the field." My nephew Lance and his step-dad here it as "four HUNDRED children..." and a friend of mine who asked to remain anonymous (for reasons that will soon become obvious) thinks it is "four HORNY children ARE A-COPPIN' A FEEL..." The correct lyrics are "four hungry children and a crop in the field."

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For reasons unknown (maybe British researches will spend millions of dollars and years figuring this one out) there seems to be an obsession with food when it comes to Mondegreens. In La Isla Bonita by Madonna I hear "last night I dreamt of SOME BAGELS/young girl with eyes like POTATOES". (In reality the lyrics are "last night I dreamt of SAN PEDRO/young girl with eyes like THE DESERT...") To which all I have to say is--what ARE "eyes like the desert?"--dry and brown?

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I haven't heard this one personally but it supports my point (and I think it's funny so I'm including it here:) in Taking Care of Business by Bachman-Turner Overdrive there are those who swear the lyric is BAKIN' CARROT BISCUITS..." (If you can make carrot bread I suppose you can bake carrot biscuits...)

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Here's a "food-related misquote from Drowning by the Backstreet Boys: "girl you NEED A BREATH MINT but it's OK." The real lyrics are "girl, you leave me breathless but it's OK..."

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Way back in 1983 Dexy's Midnight Runners told the world in Come on Eileen: "I swear I COOK BEANS. At this moment I COOK ONLY PEAS." The correct lyrics are: "I swear what it means. At this moment you mean everything."

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These next ones are food-related just fun (and I couldn't resist the urge to tag some of my friends in this post). Andrea Pittsenbarger thought the lyrics to Benny and the Jets were "she's got electric BOOBS." Me I knew it was "electric boots" although I thought the next line was "AND NO-HAIR SOUP". (It's really "a mohair suit".) I could probably write a while post on Elton John misquotes but I'll leave that for another day.

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My friend "Sprocket" Schmidt thought the Go Gos song was "I LOVE TOM SEAVER". (And, really--who doesn't?) Still, I thought it was "ALEX THE SEAL." Come on people! "Alex" is a good name for a seal--isn't it?

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At one point I thought the lyrics to You're The One That I Want from Grease were "I got SHOES, they're MADE OF PLYWOOD." (It really is "I got chills they're multiplyin'"--but you could have shoes made of plywood...

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And then there are the times you just have to be GLAD the lyrics are misheard. I remember a conversation with a friend after we overheard her 5 year old daughter singing "Like a CURTAIN, SHUT for the very first time..." and all I could do was shake my head and say--"aren't you glad she doesn't know what right words are?"

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Occasionally there are times when the lyrics really ARE what they seem to be. Some of you will remember when Nirvana ushered in the "age of grunge" with Smells Like Teen Spirit and the immortal chorus "Here we are now--entertain us/I feel stupid and contagious..." My own personal favorite though is America who had me scratching my head with line like "'cause the free wind is blowing through your hair/and the day surrounds your daylight there/seasons crying no despair/alligator lizards in the air..."

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As long as there are songs and people who hear them there will be Mondegreens. So--long live song and long live the mondegreen! Keep yours eyes peeled: I may feel the need to publish even more of these gems.

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'nuff said

I Love You Man: I Liked Your Movie

Today’s post begins with a fractal called Crazylove. It seemed a suitable image for a film about a “bro”mance. So, if you want to learn what a bromance is and read my review of I Love You Man, you need do nothing further than scan down the page.
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It turns out there’s a new term in popular culture for the close (though sexless) emotional bonds between two males. That word is bromance. I had one (without knowing it) for a long time with my best friend Sprocket for a long time before such things became fashionable but that’s a post for another time. Now is the time for my latest movie review.
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Adult sex comedies have been back since The 40 Year Old Virgin and Wedding Crashers did so well at the Box Office. I Love You Man goes back to the “tried and true” formula of raunchy jokes and foul language and humor which is as often gross and painful to watch as it is side-splittingly funny. Here Paul Rudd plays Peter Klaven a young Real Estate Agent who is about to marry Zooey the girl of his dreams (Rashida Jones) after knowing her for eight months. He relates well to women (so well that he might as well be gay) but doesn’t have any male friends. Zooey is going to have SIX Bridesmaids so Paul is frantic to find groomsmen.
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Desperate, Peter lets anyone hook him up with (expectedly) disastrous results. Barry (John Favreau) is the supremely uncaring husband of Zooey’s best friend Denise (Jamie Presley) seems to get the worst of it by a spectacularly depicted “vomit comet.” Peter’s gay brother Robbie (Andy Samberg) sets him up with an otherwise nice guy (Joe Lo Truglio) with a voice that is the aural equivelant of nails on a chalk board. Even Peter Mother (Jane Curtain) sets him up with fresh from Chicago Doug (Thomas Lemon risking being type cast with yet another gay character) who gets the wrong idea. Fellow Realtor Tavin Downey (Rob Heubel) wants to be Peter’s friend (or does he want to split the commission for selling Lou Ferigno’s Hollywood Hills home. (Ferigno plays himself in a couple of funny scenes.) Eventually he meets penultimate “guy’s guy” Sydney Fife (Jason Segel--who thankfully keeps his clothes on in this movie) and a bromance made in heaven is born. Of course the road to true “bromance” is a rocky one but everybody (except the cheese ball Realtor) ends up happy in the end.
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There aren’t as many belly laughs and I would have liked from a movie like this and there were way too many “vomit” and “dog poop” jokes although the Puggle Anwar Sadat (playing himself) is too cute for words. There’s no nudity (surprising) but the language could make a sailor blush. I enjoyed the movie but Robyn (and I suspect most of the women in the audience) didn’t like it as much as we guys did. It’s a fun movie but nothing that can’t wait to be seen on DVD.
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FINAL GRADE: B-

Monsters VS Aliens: Everything Old Is New Again

I thought it might be difficult to come up with an image for my review of Monsters VS Aliens but then I realized I had not ONE but TWO really good choices, Alien Leaves (one of the first fractal images I ever created) and Monster Eye. In the end I finally chose Monster Eye because, like the movie, it was more colorful and just plain more fun! SO--on with the review!
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With Monsters VS Aliens everything old is refreshingly new again! In this delightful animated feature 1950s “Monster” movies are given a magnificent update with eye-popping colors, magnificent drawing and perfect voice casting to make it the first “must see” family film of 2009.
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The plot is pretty basic. It begins when bride-to-be Susan (voiced by perky Reese Witherspoon) is about to marry egotistical Weatherman-on-the-rise Derek (Paul Rudd) when a meteor lands on her and causes her to become 50 feet tall. She’s (of course) captured and hauled of to monster jail under the charge of General W.R. Monger (get the pun?) in a fully over-the-top voiceover by Kiefer Sutherland. She meets brainless B.O.B. the Blob (Seth Rogen in a more family-friendly version of the characters he plays in Judd Apatow movies), “Mad” Scientist Dr. Cockroach (Hugh Laurie--holding nothing back in a decidedly non-British fashion) Insectasaurus (basically a gigantic caterpillar) and “lounge lizard” the Missing Link (Rainn Wilson). When an alien robot invades the United States and the military can’t stop them the President (Stephen Colbert) sets the monsters on it in return for their freedom. When the robot fails alien conqueror Galaxar (Will Arnet) comes in for the final battle.
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Will Susan mold the Monsters into a fearsome fighting force to defeat the alien? Will she finally realize she has a destiny beyond Derek? Will General W.R. Monger soften his heart and actually learn to respect the creatures he’s been holding prisoner for half a century? You can probably guess the answers. (It IS a family film after all!) Still, the film is funny enough for adults to enjoy (with a lot of jokes that’ll go right over the kiddies heads but nothing that will leave them behind) and enough action to please the most die-hard adventure junkie. There’s even a nice “female empowerment” message that you don’t get in a lot of animated films.
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Monsters VS Aliens really IS the first “must see” family film of 2009. Grab the kids and head out to the theater. I understand it’s even better in “Three-D” (we saw it in the regular format because we’re cheap) Check it out--then go buy the DVD!
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FINAL GRADE: A+